Hi Tessa,
I'm Rob & I'm an alcoholic. Sometimes I get tired of working the program and don't neccessarily want a drunk, but just want a break. I kinda understand what you fell. Being serious about our recovery is a sh*tload of work. I'm always emotionally and mentally drained after a meeting, even if I pass on sharing and don't actively listen or engage.

But...I keep going back. I take breaks by vegetating infront of the TV for an hour or two, going fishing, or doing something that doesn't open up a trigger-point, but also doesn't require that I think about recovery.

That's just me. I've been in the program 7 months and I'm about to get my 2nd 30-day. coin.

Rob

Aloha Tessa...If you're feeling guilt for having not gone to a meeting you might be
going for the wrong reason.  You've got nothing to prove to anyone in the rooms. If
they are pushing and urging it might be that they are using you to keep their hope
boat afloat.  If they see you making it they are convinced the program is working
and more so if they do it your way.  I use to witness that in early recovery also and
it use to make me angry and then angry is what I use to do best when fearful so
I learned how to just smile and either walk away from them or tell them to leave.
Hurt someone's feelings...I am alcoholic its one of the things I did best and then
I learn that often times the hurt feelings are also a result of their choices not mine.

Sorry you're getting that result from your meetings.  Hope your meetings haven't
become a substitute addiction and you just have to use.  Fr. Martin had really good
input to the alcoholic regarding that substitute addiction and I believe it is on tape.

Anyhow you're now getting a negative affect from a part of recovery...not good.
How shaky are you feeling and what are you afraid of?  If your sponsor isn't there
and the whole meeting room isn't there for you, where is your literature and Higher
Power?

We're here for you.  You're not alone.  Congradulations on your up coming
anniversary I hope it's a blast.   I've got one coming up on the 8th.  One of
my morning meeting fellows got excited for me and told me "You've got good
reason to go out and celebrate" and then he over tried to get across that he
was just kidding.  I laughed with him over it.  My sobriety isn't up for loss or sale
for any reason.

Stick around and stay sober with us.   ((((Hugs))))

((((Tessa))))  I know that language and feeling also.  In the beginning I didn't get
to far from the rooms (I came in from Al-Anon) and the fellowship but then I knew
that if it was real I was gonna have to risk the test.  Alcoholics are risk takers so that
was usual for me.  I got scared and didn't relapse on drinking.  I did on some lousey
alcoholic behaviors but not booze (dry drunking).  Miserable episodes that could have
been worse and even fatal if I had done them the way I use to with booze.  Doing the
crazies without alcohol makes them much worse so I threw up my hands and re-
committed to recovery. 

Today one of my solid principles is "take what I like and leave the rest".  Yes it is
a slogan and it is a rule for me.  It has helped me disconnect buttons that were
easy to be pushed by the early fellowship.  I can genuinely hug any other member
with the realization that I don't have to hold on to them.

Plus I've been around for a while and look like I'm pretty fixed in program (or maybe
that's a fixture in program.  Old timers get that distiction like it or not.) In a bit more
time your experience and strength will grow to the point where you're not being
"suggested at as much as suggested from."   I don't think you'll get lost.

I really appreciate you all being here just to have someone to talk too besides my RL friends who always seem to know what's best for me. It's now 1:23 am & I'm feeling much better & after a day full of morbid thoughts I've made it into another day & the insane urge for a drink has left me now. I know the urge will always pass because I've been at this point before. It's just getting through it without a drink that's the hardest. TY

Hello Tessa, and welcome to the group, glad you are here.
You've most certainly done the right thing by sharing what is goin on in your life. getting it out there and off your chest.

As has been mentioned and also come true for me when Im approaching a sober anniversary I do tend to get all squirrely.

I remember being 2 yrs sober and my sponsor told me that now it was time for me to see what needed to be shared more at a meeting rather than what I could get from a meeting.
I also came to the realization at this point that meetings most certainly do NOT keep me sober. God, me and the 12 steps were gonna do that. And it was also time for me to find some balance in my life concerning what I did or did not do on a daily basis. I had to begin to work more on Me and let daily meetings turn into approx 3 meetings a week. I got sober to live life, not live my life inside the walls of AA Rooms .

Today for me its God first, then my family, then AA . And this works wonderfully for me. I have found the decent amount of balance I need, I have learned to practice the principles in all my affairs, and still have plenty of time to work with other AAers.

Maybe its time for you to start sponsoring other women ? ( if you havent already .... )

Hello Tessa

I moved away from face to face AA meetings totally for a while - I truly needed the space to regain some sanity.

I kept extremely close to my Big Book - it is my understanding all the shares in the second half of the book are there for people who can't get to meetings.

I am not suggesting one abandons meetings for ever - no - that wouldn't be for me. But we are all different and the book Living Sober is a wonderful little book for help in these situations.

Oh! I had the scaremongerers!  Yes! they were out in force........I totally agree with Jerry F on this often being an indication of their own fears. 

My very favourite AA leaflet is 'A members guide to AA'  Brilliant.  That also helped me with my fears.

Another help for some of us who find ourselves in this kind of situation is to take ourselves off (if we can) to a meeting in another town - that helped me too!  I was able to sit and absorb stuff in the meeting with out being pounced upon.  This MIP website is BRILLIANT for that too.  You are not an absolute newcomer - I wold possibly have some reservations then , but you are not.

Sometimes you can just give too much of yourself as well.

That can be also in 'carrying' the message.   Yes, of course it's vital for us to carry the message - but NOT to the point of exhausting ourselves either mentally or physically.  I began to resent the constant pressure to carry the message. Like everything in life - a balance is vital I think.

I just got to the point where I was terribly run down, exhausted and had way too many human beings telling me what to do. 

Yes it took courage - but I stayed, like I said, very close to the Big Book & practised the steps on a daily basis and read AA literature.  I desperately needed to be able to breathe for a bit.

When i returned to meetings (after at least 8 - 9 months)  I felt strong and also able to say no to things and I also had learned a vital lesson - I had learned I did not have to substitute one 'addiction' for another and I could, (and can) with my HP and the  maintenance of a 'fit spiritual condition' truly LIVE sober!

The above is only MY experience strength and hope and I am not advocating anything either way - simply sharing with you - how it was for me.  I was terrified when that little inner voice said Louisa! Take a break for a bit.....I though "Oh here we go ! Cunning Baffling & Powerful ! !

But no, I made a rational decision after 2yrs or so that I now feel was vital for my growth.

Lots of love, (Oh my God! i've gone on a bit!!) Oops!
Louisa xx