Have noticed that some here are reminding me so much of what it was like to be in the grip of the disease of Alcoholism
All I knew back then was that I was alcoholic, had been so for many years, and the swinging door of AA, and so grateful that no matter how long I stayed away, was Always welcomed backrecalling that progression, and to be really honest, I always missed that concept, until it got inside and was taking me to deaths door.
I was admittedly one of the sicker ones, and simply did not have a clue as to how to do what I watched others do, many times when at a meeting, I would think to myself, these folks are just acting, for if they were really alcoholics, they would be going home and drinking and then doing all the mouthwash stuff, and better clothes etc. and coming to the meetings, talking about how there were in Recovery, and not drinking.
Deep inside somewhere I knew that was not true, but I simply did not have a clue.It was the ALCOHOL controlling my thinking and actionsalcohol had been in control for a long time, watched my husband leave after many years of trying his very best to support me and help me, but he just finally gave up.
Lots of friends did the same, my children lived in another state in the final days of my drinking, that were so very grim.
Many times in my recovery I have had to sort of pinch myself to make sure I was really still here..
Had a very difficult time with the Higher Power Concept or God concept, as I had been raised to a degree in the Catholic Church, or their doctrines, and always when in church, which was not that often only felt fear when I would see a Priest giving a sermon.
So that was my first concern or problem, the second was just as troubling, and that was turning over my will, I had survived in life at times just by the sheer will to survive in my life, from some very old family secrets, I say secrets cause they were always sweep under the rug..
We are all here together, some new, some still struggling, some with many years of continuous sobriety, in this one day at time Program.and to those that are still struggling my heart is aching..thinking of that phase Windows of Opportunity.
The internet was not around in the years of slipping and sliding and always drinking. And thanks to John the founder of MIP, feel that this site has helped so many achieve a healthy new sober life, just by the folks that would not go to AA, out of fear, but would come here, and read and write at times.
Each and every one of us, only has Today, not tomorrow, and today I Pray to my HP whom I choose to call God today, that firstly, he will help me stay sober and reach out to anyone that wants to not drink just for today, consider going to a Meeting, and asking for a Sponsor so you can walk up the 12 Steps of Recovery into a new life that is waiting, it is not easy, but it is possible.
This Post was meant as a Prayer for anyone struggling, but to be honest I dont think I have ever seen a Prayer this.long.
Thanks Toni!I can feel your spirit...If God is for us,who can be against us!We all will struggle at any given time but more so if we don't surrender and turn it over... I am an alcoholic everyday,but today I have the choice to be a "recovering alcoholic by practicing my program.....(excerpts)
-- Edited by mikef on Thursday 28th of January 2010 05:32:16 PM
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Wow. Thanks, Toni. I'm in a pretty crappy place today, trying to reconcile a lot of the things you mention in your post/prayer. I guess I don't have to worry yet about the Higher Power part yet; just getting through Step 1 would be an accomplishment. My faith has been all over the board for a long time... Catholic schools, believer, cynic, Christian, Unitarian Universalist, Buddhist/Christian... I so want to believe, but it just doesn't come easy for me anymore. At 39 I'm dealing with a lot of issues from my childhood that should have been worked on many, many years ago... might be a big part of this.
I have plans to see a friend tonight which could turn out two ways. One involves coffee, the other does not. I really want to be happy, but there are times the "quick fix" of drinking seems so much easier.
Anyway, I'm ranting, but I want to say thanks... Maybe there is a caring HP, because reading your post was what I really needed at this moment.
Laurie
p.s. Friend just cancelled so maybe I can drag my arse to a meeting... What a novel idea, eh?
What inspired this Post, was you saying in one of your responses that you did not know if you would be returning for a while, that got to me.
As a good friend of yours, me, I say this cause when I read your thoughts, your actions, I feel like I know you so very very well, you remind me of myself way back when.
As far as the 1st Step, "We admitted we were Alcoholics.....that our lives were unmanagable"
I said a Prayer for you today, that NO MATTER What, just stay here on this site......and if a meeting is in the future, in your mind and plans, well all the much better, but Just for Today just keep coming back, or in this note to you, I put it in the Please stay and wait for the Miracle..... will happen, it happened for all of us. If it could happen to a drunk like I was back then then it can happen to anyone.......
Every single person understands your thoughts and actions, for we all shared those thoughts and actions too.
That is why this AMAZING MIRACLE OF being a Recovering Alcoholic as opposed to someone that drank 80 proof, from 600 am in the morning, continue drinking until I passed out, then repeat the above at night time. Lost in the disease.
"W.......Laurie......E" see I put you smack dab in the middle of the WE Program that WE share, no one can do this alone.
Lots of love in my heart for you in your struggles my friend, I know you, I really do.....
When you mentioned you might have coffee or see how the event goes, here's a thought, maybe it Could work, when you sit down with your friend, ask yourself "Who is going to be in Control?" As an experiment, try to see if you can say to yourself, I am only practicing this, but I am in control of my body and what i put in it today.....who knows, you just might be surprised, an if your friend pushes, easy answer, "just not drinking today". You could might find that very VERY empowering!!!
Anyway happy you saw the post, it was really written just for you from Just toni
A gaint Hug is being sent with this response. PS. oops, missed those last words, possible a meeting, YAHOO if you go we will all have a party, a sober party, when you come home, ok???
tonicakes
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 28th of January 2010 06:44:40 PM
p.s. Friend just cancelled so maybe I can drag my arse to a meeting... What a novel idea, eh?
Would it really piss you off if I said 'THIS SOUNDS LIKE DIVINE INTERVENTION TO ME GIRL!!!' Remember we want a meeting report when you return!!
Great post, I am happy to say that on most days alcohol no longer controls my life, but after the day I had yesterday, I reckon it saw a tiny chink in the recovery armour and jumped right in there, and the story is too long to post here, but I took a major resentment to a female member whose behaviour really pissed me off, resultng in me being late for something I had planned to do when I got home from the PMNW day we were at in a school around 14 miles away.
She took a strop, left and went home without so much as a by your leave (I have often heard that phrase in films/TV, but never ever thought the time would come when I would use it!!) and also without the guy she had brought along with her, which meant I had to take him home afterwards which added over 30 minutes to my home time, and I had to manically ring round family to try to get someone to look after the grandkids for an hour until I got back.
Fortunately, the guy who I had taken with me, talked me out of ringing her until tomorrow, till I had cooled down a bit, and that was exactly the right thing to do. I also wrote a full A4 size page in my diary all about it, and by bedtime I had forgotten about it, so I won't speak to her until next time I see her around, and then it will be said calmly.
P.S. PMNW is a full day in schools, doing 6 workshops to 6 different groups of kids, which is a very important area of service, so I have to use people who are committed, rather than someone who just likes the buzz she gets from speaking toa classroom full of kids.
-- Edited by Avril G on Friday 29th of January 2010 06:54:52 AM
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Thanks Toni. That was an awesome post. Again at RG - Toni is a pretty valuable resource of knowledge...definitely one of the more important people that helped me to stay sober for the past 16 months. So I will add, to her "If it worked for me.." by saying It worked for me and one of the main reasons is people in the rooms like Toni and many of the others on this board.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
_ p.s. Friend just cancelled so maybe I can drag my arse to a meeting... What a novel idea, eh? __
I second what Avril wrote. I now call events like this god (higher power) working in my life. God does for me what I can't do for myself. He's opening up doors of opportunity for you. If you miss this one, don't worry, he'll provide another.
Hi all, Just wanted to drop in and say hi. Went to three meetings so far this week. And guess what? They were all exactly what I needed that day. It's great to meet people in the program and actually get hugs or handshakes and see smiling faces and be able to laugh at what I used to cry over. I wake up in the morning knowing I will most likely stay sober today if I remember that I am an alcoholic and practicing the principles of the program........(honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness) are a great start for this alcoholic. Great post and I hope you make it to a meeting Laurie. The only meeting we are ever late to is our first! Prayers be with you all
