It has been 23 days since my last drink and today is the first day that I actually woke up and didn't crave a drink. That is subject to change as the day progresses, and likely it will and that's ok because I can't really control that. Over the last two weeks or so, when the craving and obsession has been really strong, the thought has occurred to me that I never really tried to control my drinking in the past. Sure, I tried to quit many many times without success, but I don't think I earnestly attempted to drink like a "gentleman". If I was going to drink, I was going to get drunk. It says in the BB (paraphrased of course) that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people...the thought that he/she will someday control and enjoy drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker...I always read that and thought- 'I never wanted to control my drinking, I never once tried to prove that I was a normal drinker. If anything I would prove that I wasn't a normal drinker and be proud'. What scares me is that the thought that perhaps I CAN control it has popped up here and there lately. It's like I'm so convinced (and rightfully so) that drinking the way I have been only leads to jail and mental hospitals, but if I just weren't so depressed and bored, if I were engaged in life again whether that is school/work/etc, that I wouldn't want or need to have 20 drinks, maybe I could just have 4 or 5. It's like slowly but surely everything is coming true of my alcoholic thinking, and that scares the crap out of me. The blackouts, the violence, the shady decisions, the drunk driving, the demoralization,etc...all that alcoholic behavior/thinking doesn't scare me at all compared to that little thought- "Maybe I can control it"
Thanks for letting me share.
-- Edited by Dodsworth on Thursday 21st of January 2010 01:06:55 PM
"The blackouts, the violence, the shady decisions, the drunk driving, the demoralization,etc...all that alcoholic behavior/thinking doesn't scare me at all compared to that little thought- "Maybe I can control it""
Dodsworth, I understand exactly what you mean. That little phrase can scare me & catch me off guard & I've been sober for 7 yrs - a day at a time.
Just the other day, I was chatting to an alcoholic who made a comment about his alcoholism being the (and I quote) "secondary problem" and since he has sorted out alot of his dysfunctional behaviour (he is like me the child of alcoholic parents) he has no problem controlling his alcohol intake.
God! For a split second the thought went through my head IMMEDIATELY..........hey I wonder if I could control it...........
Thank God I stick close to the tools of this program and know that's the cunning baffling & powerful part of this illness trying to grab me again...........
Never ceases to amaze me just how quick my thinking can change and how out of the blue..........God.
Dodds, that's your disease talking directly to you, and it should scare you. That last time that I detoxed myself, I was living alone, in the wake of the final separation from my wife, and it was a big old house (1930 3 story) to be living in by oneself. You never heard so many noises and creaks, wood floors and stairs that sounded like someone was walking up them every night while I was trying to sleep. I called my mother in the middle of night (who's in the program) and told her that I had strong sense of a demonic presence in my bedroom and she said that there is one, it's your disease.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 21st of January 2010 03:51:30 PM
Yup there it is,didnt we all think well,we'll drink wine instead of whiskey,.i'll stop after couple 6 packs,take a week off from drinking(that definitely didnt work)after leaving mental institution knew then I was okay cause I just got 'cured ' in the nut house!!my first of 3 wives were all just not seeing it correctly,i just like to catch a buzz!!probably just throwing up from flu bug or something and IM shaky cause im just a little under weather..many years later does it say,okay your alright now,much wiser and older ,just have a few cordial ones.....(like bill) wondering how did this happen again!It is our reaction to the drug that makes us drunks not how much we drink!!!!!! We have an allergy to it.............congrats on 23 days man!!I would suggest running,not walking to the next meeting,call someone sober and continue sharing,,,that Monster waits patiently for all of us!!!"We keep what we have only with vigilance" Be vigilant,doing everything necessary to guard your recovery..peace
-- Edited by mikef on Thursday 21st of January 2010 05:24:54 PM
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I love the Alanon slogan - the three C's which can apply just as well to us as them in Alanon.
I didn't CAUSE it.
I can't CURE it.
I can't CONTROL it.
Nor can I control other people, places or things, which is why I need to get a manager in, someone who CAN control things, I call mine HP, which can mean Higher Power, Harry Potter or Henry Pinkerton, I don't care what HP means I just know IT WORKS, just as I have no understanding of the way money comes and goes into and out of my bank account.
How in hell does that work?? I go to a cashpoint, punch in a number and money comes out the hole??? I never will fully understand this concept, so what do I do? Stop using it cos I don't understand it?? Hell, no I will use this concept regularly because it makes my life so much easier.
Exactly like my HP does. I don't have to believe, I only have to accept and use. SIMPLES
__________________
Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Aloha Dods...When I found out that this disease is a progressive one and came to believe it with the help of others I gave up all idea of control and have never used it as a focus. I've never met a control drinker anyway...not in my life time? How do you reach your home if you only go part of the way there? Can't figure it.
Thanks for sharing Dod, your thoughts are real and honest.
I am particularly fond of how you talk about places in the book. In some of my early days and weeks of sobriety, I couldnt and didnt compare what I read in the book to myself, cuz I was way to busy just trying to stay sober and listen to what my sponsor was telling me to do and that took up alot of my time.
Today when I read certain spots in the book or I hear others share what some places in the book means to them , it helps me to stop and think about how it all relates to me.
I remember many times when I was drinking I tried to control my drinking. Sure there were times when I set out to get good and drunk and did. But for the most part I tried to control it cuz I didnt want to make an idiot out of myself and of course I knew when I drank I got into trouble almost every time, so I figured if I could keep a handle on things, I might not get so drunk , therefor get into trouble. But see ... Im a real alcoholic and no matter how hard I might have tried to control my consumption, it rarely worked, cuz there is this switch in my head that goes off after I take the first drink, and then Im off and runnin. Now, mind you Im off and running all the while telling myself to keep it cool Lori, act like a lady, dont swear, dont stumble, dont fall, dont fight, etc, etc. But I couldnt help myself after so many drinks were in me, I was then out of control.
My sickness doesn't talk to me, or try to talk me into drinking. It is not out in the parking lot of an AA meeting doing push ups just waiting for me to fail and give in. My sickness is under arrest to a certain degree depending on how I feel, think, act and behave on any given day.
I could relate so well to your share, remembering that it was pretty much so just like that for me in early sobriety. My head was all over the place and I would share some things with my sponsor and her reply to much of my mumble jumble was .. " Lori, you dont have permission to think yet ". See, I was trying so hard to figure everything out and make things work immediately for me. I wanted to be well, and healthy and on the road going fast , instead of starting off slow, then gaining speed. I needed to take baby steps and learn that I had to be guided. I needed a teacher , who was my sponsor and I also needed to learn to be the student and relax and take the suggestions that were given to me.
Control my drinking ??? No way, not for me. Im convinced Im one drink away from death. And until I really knew this about myself, felt it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I could not stay sober.
Just keep telling yourself that the boredom and depression will end. It is almost like your body and parts of your mind are not going to shift into gear until they are sure that you are going to give them some stability. Wait it out. Understand the punishment you have placed on your mind and body. Give them time to heal by being clean in mind and body and that includes your spiritual side. It will pass like a dark cloud. It will then take simply the "maintenance program" that AA gives you. Hang in there! Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Dods, I never tried too hard to control it either...cuz I couldn't. I drank to get smashed every time because that's all I ever wanted from alcohol. I did try switching back from Vodka to beer and that worked for all of a day because beer could not get me drunk as fast so I could drink it all night without making an ass of myself or blacking out....but eventually went back to the hard stuff cuz I wanted to be that drunk...to pass out. I tried only having 1 big glass but they were always like 7-11 big gulp glasses and even after 1 of those, I would sit looking at the glass like..."WTF...I'm barely buzzed!!!" and I would pour another...and another..and so on. Drunk to a normal person became what I thought felt like "tipsy"...my perception regarding alcohol is all out of whack and that is what makes me an alcoholic and what forms the allergy component they talk about in the big book. I drink it and I cannot gage my body's reaction...I want more even though I am plenty drunk already...it's just messed up. Plus....I had a job and stuff and a relationship and alcohol started taking away that stuff because what happens over time is you lose the ability to amuse yourself, find interest in things, and have fun without alcohol. Alcohol ruins your ability to appreciate anything you have anyway (if you are alcoholic like us). So being rich or occupied wouldn't have made me drink like a gentleman because I would have ruined that and wound up in the same place like I hear in soooo many people's stories who did have "everything" and drank it all away. What I never really tried was to live life without alcohol and that is challenging but oh so necessary for this alcoholic.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
You said it yourself, like me you never wanted to control the drinking, just the consequences.
I never sat down to have 4 or 5 drinks in my life, what's the point? If you told me here are 3 beers and that's all you can have I wouldn't drink any of them, why tease yourself?
You're in the right place for the above reasons.
You're not engaged in life because you're a alchoholic, and you won't be engaged in life without soberiety, then you think you could have a few drinks without wanting more??
Once you are a pickle you can't go back to being a cucumber, this is the great fact of alcoholism.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
A big congratulations on the work you have done. It is onvious how much hard work you have been doing. I see such a change in your Posts.....
The blackouts, the violence, the shady decisions, the drunk driving, the demoralization,etc...all that alcoholic behavior/thinking doesn't scare me at all compared to that little thought- "Maybe I can control it"
and your last words, I could not agree more, Nothing could ever be scarier....
Get involved in AA I always thought I would neverf have anything to do if I stopped. Now I have no time to just rest it seems. I work alot I have work problems you know why because I have a job. I an AA job too so do you get busy brother. Time flies when you stop thinking about yoself. PS YOu will never control yo drinkin if your anything like me. Your a pickle not a cucumber
