Terrible night tonight. Had someone say some pretty tough things about parts of my personality I already hate (basically about me being insecure). Was like salt in a wound. I'm so sick of feeling vulnerable and weak. My heart is absolutely leaden.
Insecurity runs rampant in me as well. Someone at a meeting last night said something that I relate to absolutely. He said that when he was drinking or even in his early sobriety he would see how others APPEARED on the outside and came to the conclusion that they felt the same way on the inside as they appeared on the outside. To a large degree that isn't true for anyone, alcoholic or not. He would internalize these perceptions as reality. I don't know if that helps, but it comforts me to think that everyone is putting on a bit of a show.
Hi runnergirl, that's a common thread amongst us, but it doesn't have to be like that. We gain a lot of self esteem from just staying sober. We don't have to hide out anymore. Working the steps builds true self esteem. We learn to make better choices. Self esteem is a product of living in accordance with the principles that we believe in. It's that simple. Deep down we know that drinking the way that we do/did is wrong. Things that happen and poor choices that we make when drinking cause more wrongs. We drink to squash the shameful feelings that our actions produce and it becomes a viscious cycle. Getting sober, making amends, changing the way we act/behave, helps us make better choices, taking care of our responsibilities... This is what builds self esteem, character, serenity, and happiness.
Hey Runergirl,we are human and we do 'get in a funk" but I also have found,for me, getting as close as I can with mY God' daily...,'working the spiritual principles of the steps, and reaching out to help someone else usually brings me around.Some days defintely harder than others but I have to work for it.There is a small pamphlet called the '4 AGREEMENTS' that says.'personal importance or taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about "me'.Its definetely not what we are taught in life but if we could learn to not let what others think of us or take anything personal how free we could be..? I try and work on this each day and its hard,but like anything else it takes work(I TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONAL!!!)We should be receptive but not struck down,.Easier said than done huh!! anyway.thanks for sharing we all get here at some time or another!! Stay sober and the sun will definitely come out!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I hear what you're saying and can only agree with what others have said.
Honestly, it really does get better. Oh! How I used to get the biggest stick I could find and beat myself with it for being 'weak' and some would say 'oversensitive' and insecure.
Yes I still have my moments of insecurity today but I cannot believe looking back that this Louisa today is that same shy, terrified Louisa of early sobriety.
Now put that stick down! None of us is perfect...NONE of us! And like Dodsworth says..........appearances can be deceptive.........alot of folk are far more insecure than they let on.......
I promise you.......it does get better.........
lots of love Louisa xx
-- Edited by louisa on Thursday 14th of January 2010 12:37:35 PM
Runner Girl, I can relate. Growing up I was insecure. Felt separate, different and alone most of the time. Even when I was around people. I can also relate to what the others in the above posts have wrote. By doing the work in this 12- Step program we re-build our life based on solid principles. A practical means to a spritual solution. This leads us to be happy, joyous and free. The "Promises" will come true if we work the 12-steps in our daily life:
A few of them- We will know a new freedom and happiness. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us.
Just thought I would add something to all of the above responses that were so right on....
In the first few years of my recovery....I picked, on purpose, a woman that was my Sponsor, that was "tough as nails" i did this so I could feel for sure, that she was not going to be buying any of my BS. and I had a lot of BS in me....
anyway one day, I was telling here just how hurt I was about something someone said about me, almost identical, as a matter of fact to your Post. Well in her usual way, she busted me.....and looked me in the eyes, (we were at one of our weekly meetings in this Japenese Resturant with our 12 x 12s. anyway she said, "Toni, what others think or say about you is none of your business!"
Do you know Laurie, I had to ponder that, and take it in, and even began liking the idea so much that I brought that thought with me all the way through into my life. Use it all the time.
Peope can be cruel, people do gossip, and have known of many occasions where i might have been or not have been part of that gossip, but it has never, knock on wood, affected me in any way.....Because today I really do believe that what others think or say about me.....is none of my business.
It is only your actions and words that matter, no one elses.
Loving actions of kindness are what matter to me....go find some of those people, and get them in your life.......well of course that is only a suggestion......
So hope all these great suggestions have helped, and that you are feeling out of those dumps you were feeling..
A Big Hug dear,
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 14th of January 2010 06:30:59 PM
Everything said before me is good stuff and spot-on.
You have a desire to stop drinking. Therefore you have strength. You came to AA. Therefore you have courage. You posted on this site and hopefully purged some of that despair. Therefore you have wisdom.
You accessed this website repeatedly. Therefore you are smarter than a Kangaroo. Kangaroos are no good with computers.
As a rule, when someone is trying to rub your nose in poo...it's to stand on your back because it's the only way they can rise above thier own shi*.
When they say what needs changing to get sober? The answer is everything. I can tell you that through this journey, I have changed in ways I did not anticipate. I thought I knew myself when in actuality, I didn't know myself at all. When I started getting sober, I thought I was the biggest fuck up in the whole world. I thought I was so flawed and sick and mentally defective that I could never get better. I tried some old ways of dealing with that and like the literature states...none of the old ways worked any more. It has been a harrowing journey into self that is sometimes scary and difficult, but I can say, I no longer feel I am the worst piece of crap on the planet. I am no longer petrified to live life and just accept things as they come. I have insecurities but they don't completely cripple me to the point that I cannot tolerate the world and have to numb myself daily to feel okay. I have a disease here and I think too much...I obsess and analyze crap to death. It took a year and 3 months of sobriety to get to the point of being my own friend just a little bit instead of my worst enemy. So, while it has been a hard road at times, I am so grateful just for where I am at today sitting alone in my apartment. A little over a year ago I was thoroughly convinced I could not take care of myself, could not function without alcohol, could not handle any adult responsibilities, and that I would go thoroughly insane if I had to spend much more than an hour by myself, and yet here I am. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but those promises do materialize if you don't drink and if you work for them. You will feel better about yourself slowly in the program if you let it work for you. I thought it was BS when they said "let us love you til you can love yourself" but I see that happening to me a little bit at a time. Have faith Laurie, you can change and we are all here to help you through it. That is what AA is all about....cuz in order to not drink....these things need to change about us.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
An early sponsor helped me out with this after a meeting one night and after I related somewhat of the same condition..."She said this blah blah." He listened and then responded with "So words really can hurt you huh?" I knee jerked that response and wanted to say "no they can't" and I almost could hear him reading my mind because he added "unless you allow them to." Learn how not to give things that other people hand you, power over you. Some of my changes became "What you said might have some truth to it...I'll check it out and talk with you later" or if what was said was blatantly untrue I spoke up with "That's not true." If it was true and I was working with it I would say "I found that one out myself and have got some work done on it...thanks." The thanks was optional. Who I am and what I am and who I want to become and what is between me and my HP and my HP's instrument...my sponsor. I'm not up for grabs any longer and have opted out of being a victim. Free at last...((((hugs))))
You're all very sweet to reply. Thanks a ton. Of course the evening involved alcohol too, which certainly didn't help me any. I might be ready to admit the "a" word soon. Have plans to go to a meeting with a friend after I get back. It's a women's only meeting on that Monday morning. Today was better, but I really need to get my head on straight before I go home (in just one week now). I'm going to do some serious examination of self until then.
That serious examination works best with the willingness to do it with an experienced recovering lady in the fellowship. If you use the same brain and mind that you use to move around this disease in you'll learn only a little. Suggestion; ask an experience recovering woman for help either in the meeting or here. ((((hugs))))
I agree with Jerry. Also the first parts of step 3 start working (or they did for me) when I started sharing my problems with my sponsor and then suddenly I did a little bit of a better job of letting go of things. Giving it over to God was foreign to me and too big of a leap at first.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Runnergirl, you could always try a meeting in Singapore. Plenty of expats there so it will be in English. In HK the meetings have a steady stream of visitors from other places.
Terrible night tonight. Had someone say some pretty tough things about parts of my personality I already hate (basically about me being insecure). Was like salt in a wound. I'm so sick of feeling vulnerable and weak. My heart is absolutely leaden.
Oh ain't we alkies sensitive peeps?? I totally identify. If I walked into a room of 100 people and 99 people spoke to me and 1 didn't I would worry about that for days, 'What did she mean? Have I done something to upset her?' when in all probability SHE was having a shitty day, and didn't know how to handle it, so went back to the old behaviour - put someone else down so that way I will feel better.
I can assure you THAT don't work, and I am guessing that IF this person is an AA meber in recovery He/She will also be feeling pretty bad about it too (they won't admit to it, but they will be feeling it) Allow others to have a bad day without taking it personally.
Also, think about what they said and is there any truth in it? My feelings regularly got hurt, and I stormed out of meetings with a blazing resentment, only to ring my sponsor and tell her about it only to fins the reason I got so stroppy about it was because it was TRUE!!! I though some people only shared certain stuff to get at ME!!!
It's funny now, I know now that I ain't that bloody important that people will talk about ME in meetings, they talk about themselves, but if they press my buttons, they need to be pressed and I need to look at ME and sort out whateve it is that comes up in talking to my sponsor.
Also, it could well be someone who isn't in AA?? Well, that don't count, cos they can't help it. They can't help it any more than an AA member can if they're in a bad space.
Don't worry your little head about it any longer, ask God to help you to put it out of your head, and ask that the other person will find what they need to to help them.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
