I live in a city that I absolutely love, I moved here from San Francisco (another city that I absolutely love) about 2 1/2 years ago. When I got here I was sort of desperate for an apartment, looked around & settled- yes, settled- for the one I took. Where I've been ever since. The place is run by a slumlord & is unsafe. I've known this since day 1, and I still brought my daughter into the house & made excuses here & there for why we lived there. Reality: this is not an apartment where a grown woman with a good job should live. Well... I finally grew a backbone, decided to exercise my rights as a tenant, and called the landlord out on the many, many shortcomings of the apartment. Not the least of which are toxic mold, rodent infestation, and an unsafe entryway. Oh, and a gas leak. Also in that apartment are the many memories of my last year of drinking that- for lack of a better word- haunt me. So I found an apartment on the other (better) side of town, a nice place. Nice place. Close to my home group, close to my daughter's school, well managed- in short, the type of place that I deserve, someplace where I won't be embarrassed to bring people. I'm waiting to hear if my application was approved.
I tell my sponsor all of this & she tells me that I should have run it by her first. This constitutes a major change in my first year of sobriety that I shouldn't be making. Suddenly I felt really bad about being proud of finding a new, better place for my family. Like, really bad! I'm 39 years old, I know what I want for myself & my family, and it starts with sobriety and serenity. I can see where I might want to call my sponsor if I were running off to California & getting married, but I'm making these improvements to better my situation. Anyway, this is the same sponsor who told me I shouldn't be taking anti-depressants as prescribed by the MD I see every week & talk to almost every day. As much as I like going through the steps with her and being accountable to her, I don't feel like I need to ask her permission. Maybe I'm wrong.
Your sponsor is saying that all this should be run be her first--talking about it is fine and how it could effect your 1 year.
But no cannot tell you not to move--it is your life and if you feel you need to move--then go ahead.
If it will make life more manageable for you and family--given what you said about the conditions of living quarters now--then by all means go ahead and move.
But keep in touch if you want to keep this sponsor, otherwise if need be find one in the new area you are moving to.
It sounds like things could be better for you, after you settle down in the new location.
"As much as I like going through the steps with her and being accountable to her,"
There are some brilliant sponsors out there - there are also those who appear to forget their remit.
Interfering in your meds? Unacceptable in my view.
It may well be she was a little surprised you didn't mention 'the moving idea' to her but perhaps if you didn't feel you wanted to mention it to her or couldn't..........well maybe the relationship needs a closer look. Especially since you say "more sponsor angst"...... I was terrified of moving on from my sponsor..........but I needed to to save my sanity.......I felt mine had become a total control freak and was abusing our time together....I needed out. You may not be in that situation at all. This is only what happened to me.
I had 3 sponsors during my first 2 years in sobriety. Looking back I can see my first sponsor was an ogre & a bit suffocating but she was exactly what I needed at that time..........she seems to work alot with newcomers who then move on and find other sponsors...........her strength probably lies in being great with newcomers......
The AA leaflet on sponsorship helped me and also the excerpts on sponsorship from "Living Sober' which I found truly invaluable. They helped me see what my sponsor's remit was & wasn't and also what would perhaps be expected of me or not. The first few pages of Living Sober also encouraged me to not be afraid to question what works for me in AA and what doesn't.
I am 7 years sober and do not have a sponsor at the moment (since 5 years) - though am thinking it's time I got myself one again. The time feels right. I am extremely close to a couple of ladies in AA who are there for me if I am going through the steps with a newcomer.
Tradition 10- AA has no opinion on outside issues...
MY 10cents- Sponsors help you with alcoholism (working the steps, being a support system). Doctors help you with what they spent time and money on- a medical degree...
What is that old saying? Take what you want and leave the rest...This is one of those situations imho where that adage applies.
I'm glad that you made the move. Sounds like it was overdue. I think that you're sponsor might have been worried about you changing your financial picture, but it doesn't sound like you did. It's not like you're buying a house of something. Bottom line is that a sponsor shouldn't be in the business of making decisions for you. Making suggestion when asked, yes, but I find that comment to be on the controlling side. If it were me, I'd let it go. "Take what you need and leave the rest". If she makes another comment like that, gently tell her that this isn't something that you need help with.
Dean
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 14th of January 2010 12:23:10 PM
As a sponsor, I've learnt from my sponsor. Run things past me, but make your own decision. Sounds like the reasons for the house move are good (from this distance).
I always tell my sponsees that I can help them with their ongoing sobriety and the steps but that is still their responsibility and that I am not a pschyciatrist, medical practitioner, financial advisor, relationship counsellor, (I am a relationship manager, but not in AA!), solicitor, lawyer or any other specialist whether that specialist needs qualifications or not. As a sponsor I can only deal with alcoholism.
I heard in a meeting someone suggesting to someone that they should 'get off the anti depressants now!' I then heard someone else ask the first where she got her medical degree. Says it all.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I have to agree with everyone that posted in here. I take anti-depressants and if someone decided that A.A. could fix a chemical imbalance I would tell them they were crazy. I don't do well with this type of comment. This is life and death to me and I need to act accordingly. I have one of those sponsors that is real tough too. It's what I personally need though. We are cut from the same cloth in many ways so it works for me. I wish you luck and hope you get the apartment! It's in Gods hands now!
You will inherently come to learn more and more about what are triggers for your drinking. Do you think moving all your things will be a stressful trigger? Obviously not or you would have mentioned it to your sponsor. You are not seeing it as a major change like she is. Sounds like you are seeing it as healthy progress. People will always see things differently and she is seeing it just purely through the eyes of being your sponsor. She isn't you and that's okay. After more time in sobriety, I realized it wasn't my quest to become the same person that my sponsor was, but to become the person I was supposed to be and only God knows that. So basically, chill and don't drink and it will all unfold naturally (wish I had known that earlier and I wish I always practiced this). Your sponsor is human and can make mistakes. Sounds like she's probably made 90 percent great suggestions and 10 percent ones that make no sense for you. Okay...so that's not bad. Sponsors provide service to us free of charge and that rocks. Only in AA do you find this. Now if you get guilted and harped on...you don't need that, but if it's you doing it to yourself cuz you think you need to be "the perfect sponsee"...nah...break it back down to the basics....Are you sober today? Do you have a program of recovery? If the answer is yes, you are doing great. The end.
Mark
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