Hi, I have 44 days sobriety from a bottle or two a night of wine habit. I'd been doing that for about 10 years but have had the addiction illness since I was a young child. It's manifested itself in my life in many ways over the years. I finally realized that I'm an alcoholic this past November. I'm 59 years old but feel better about myself than I have in a long, long time. The problem is that my husband is still an active drinker - whiskey is his drink of choice. He's been an alcoholic for 35 years. Now that I'm sober, I can't stand it anymore. He's a very sick man and really needs to detox. However, my understanding is that AA meetings are not the place to bring up this type of topic. I have attended Al-anon in the past but now I'm at the point where I don't think I can live with him anymore. How does one know when to call it quits or when to keep trying to live with it but use the Al-anon philosophy? I started this journey 44 days ago trying to ignore his behavior and just focus on my own sobriety, but that's getting harder and harder to do. In the meantime he's really effecting my life and future retirement by not dealing with ANY of his issues - like getting Medicare and his retirement benefits. Intervention? Throw him out? I'm so happy that I've FINALLY found AA. The meetings are a spiritual experience for me - there's such power and healing there. I want to let go and trust God but in the meantime I feel like he feels entitled to keep living as he has because I'm putting it up with it. Again, if this is the wrong place to bring this up, I apologize. Should I google Al-anon boards? I'm conflicted because I'm so new to the program. Thanks for any help. MAL
Hi Mal and a big congrats on 44 days! That's a heck of a start. Do what you can to keep the focus on you and your recovery. We suggest no major changes until reaching a year of sobriety. Everything looks different from that point. It may still be an intollerable situation but you'll have a much better idea how to deal with it. A lot of times things get handled without input from us. Get yourself a wise old sponsor that's been around the block a few times and ask her how to deal with these kind of things. Here's another thought. If you get sober and enjoy yourself, it might be attractive enough for your husband to follow you in. It's happened before. One thing's for sure, it works by attraction not promotion. Keep coming back.
Dean
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 9th of January 2010 10:18:55 PM
Wow, you almost shared my story. Well part of it anyway.
Congratulations on finding AA and staying sober. Trust me , you are on your way down a path to a wonderful life !! Good for you
Dean gave some great suggestions. Especially the one about finding a sponsor. I dont know what Id do without my sponsor who has helped me from day one . She has been my rock and my confidant, the guide, the teacher that God put in my life and Im very blessed to have her.
My husband and I were drinking partners. I got sober and he didnt. ( he was not and is not an alcoholic, even tho I thought he was ) He did not drink at home, but continued to drink after I sober up. I figured if he didnt stop drinking, I would not be able to stay sober. I was wrong ... I moved out of our home , got settled with a job and thought I was doing alright. Well, after about 6 months I got scarred of being alone and moved back home. Within a week I was drunk. I have since suffered my last drunk over 5 yrs ago and have been sober since then. My husband doesn't drink anymore. Not because he was necessarily trying to help me, because he knew he needed to stop for himself.
Our literature says that We can get sober regardless of our present circumstances . We need to trust God and rely on Him.
My sponsor told me during those ruff times to be cordial to my husband and treat him like a stranger, and it worked !!
Please feel free to email me Mal, we can share more privately if you wish to do so. I am more than happy to help you, for in helping you I remind myself of my past and my past is one of my greatest assets today.
I am an Alanoner too ... Mom, Dad, 2 brothers, and a Son made me a qualifier and Im grateful to be a part of not only the life changing program of AA, but Alanon as well.
All I can say is I broke up from my alcoholic partner on my 1st day sober...I had 4 months sober and drank again thinking the relationship wasn't "fun" anymore. That is just me though and doesn't necessarily give you any answers. My triggers and what I needed to get sober in that circumstance may be different than you.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank-you for these replies. This is what I LOVE about the program - the wisdom is priceless. I don't think I would have made it past 5 days if it wasn't for the more "senior" members, like you, sharing their insights from life and AA. I love the "be cordial and treat them like a stranger." and "getting sober regardless of present circumstances." And thanks Dean for the gem about the power of attraction and not making immediate decisions. I know I really need a sponser but I don't know how to go about getting one. Do you ask someone at a meeting? I'm afraid they'll say no. Last night at a newcomers meeting I kept hearing the phrase that a grateful heart doesn't pick up a drink. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. Even though it's 12 degrees out I looked out the window and saw all these tree branches in silouette against a milky sky and thought - how grateful I am for beauty in every season and for feeling like a million dollars instead of hungover and self-loathing. I may feel pressed down by the issues I've mentioned, but I'm grateful for sobriety. MAL
MAL, that appreciation of nature was one of the first things that I started feeling happy and grateful for. Following that, I felt so grateful just for people in general. I started saying Hi to people while in line at the store and talking to the clerks and saying "Good Morning." It was like waking up from a big ass nightmare to find the world was just as it was supposed to be even though I still had some problems and wreckage from the past to clean up...but what you described was an early glimpse of serenity and it can last and it is the start of your spirit healing.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Wow! Never heard that one before. That's exactly what I need to do today too. Yes that will help me detach from the person in my life whose drinking (and behaviour even when not drinking) has been causing me distress and wearing me down of late.
We all get to know what we can and cannot tolerate as far as the people we live with.
MY own experince was that after a one year seperation, using that year to sober up in, get a Sponsor, and got through the Steps, well up to 8, then 9 was going to take a long time..... and then going back to my husband, it was very obvious that even though he was denying it, he was using the hybrids of Pot, all day long. He worked out of our house, had his own Business and the house was his Home office. So I was the one that would go out to work each day and come home, clean and sober, to a man that was not really there.
I made a choice that I just did not want to live like that, and it had a very strong undercurrent of fear of my own relapsing.....so I just packed up, said to myself, I gave it a really good try......and returned back the area that had my Sobriety Roots in it.....never regreting that for a second. We remained good long distance friends for a few years, until he met his new wife.....and I wished him, and really meant it, I wished him all the happiness in the world.
Hope that in time you will with a strong reliance on HIS Will, not yours come to the solution that will work for you.
Take good care of yourself, and use the "Selfish Part"of the Program, to protect yourself, with HIS help.
Hugs, Toni
PS, had to come back and say CONGRATULATIONS ON 44 days, that is huge!!!!
-- Edited by Just Toni on Sunday 10th of January 2010 11:43:34 AM
Hi Im also newly sober I have 56 days today. I did not realize meetings werent the place to speak about ur situation. When I was away in treatment I spoke with my husband and he told me that hed seriously work on not having alcohol in the house or be around me smelling of it. To this day it has not happened we bearly speak. He never asked me anything about my sobriety. so I kinda understand what ur saying
Hello that is tough spot in the road I had a friend who stayed sober for over a year but it was incredibly hard for her. It prolonged her suffering and did nothing for the marriagethey split. She began a new life. Sobriety is about a NEW life. You don't haver to live that way anymore my God was that a hige gift when I first heard it. God has your answer and he is within you this is an inside job always has been. I would suggest reading a vision for you in the Big Book. And MOST MOST importantly get out your power tools the pen and paper and the late night solace and write what your vision of your future life is and see whose in it. You are the one getting sober anyone anor anything that interferrs with that is expendable. Sounds hard or harsh but it your life yours. You have to act as if your life depends upon sobriety because it does. Love Michael
Hi Im also newly sober I have 56 days today. I did not realize meetings werent the place to speak about ur situation. When I was away in treatment I spoke with my husband and he told me that hed seriously work on not having alcohol in the house or be around me smelling of it. To this day it has not happened we bearly speak. He never asked me anything about my sobriety. so I kinda understand what ur saying
Hi Deb, The red coloured bit I just don't quite get. Has someone told you NOT TO talk about your situation in meetings? Well, IF SO, I would say got find a meeting which knows how to help alcoholics to recover.
I am so grateful that I got sober in gut level honesty meetings, it asks in the open/closed meeting statement that anything we share should relate to our alcoholism, therefore I was brought up in AA to be HONEST (except in matters of sex relations, which ought to be one to one shares) and anything and everything I share in any meeting is to do with my alcoholism.
I have been to some meetings where they don't believe in 'dumping your shit' I have heard it called, but sorry guy, I WILL share honestly, cos I know that in MY homegroups, it was THEIR honesty when I first came around and got sober, so in the past 20 years, in my regular meetings I always hear honesty, good, bad or indifferent, but honest!!
I am proud to have recovered in an area which attracts members from far and wide, because they go back to thier own meetings and tell them how HONEST and powerful the meetings are here, and I always share honestly, even when (in fact ESPECIALLY when) I am asked to share at other meetings. My homegroup members often get asked to go to other meetings to share because they share honestly and openly.
I was once told that 'You should take your problems to your sponsor and bring the solution to the meeting' and I said 'Well, I'm sorry but there's my sponsor sitting over there, you'd better go tell her that cos everytime I share the problem with her, we find the solution, which is what I just shared in the meeting, and she always says to me, "Go share this in your meeting, there may be a newcomer there who might need to hear about it, or an old-timer even, they still need to hear what it's like now" And I sure as hell ain't gonna tell her different, but if you wanna do trhat go ahead, and by the way I am coming up 15 years sober and she is 30 something'
He didn't say anymore, this happened around 15 years ago, and thanx to members being open and honest I will (GOD WILLING) be 20 years sober in July of this year, so I guess it works.
__________________
Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
