A week ago I went on a bender and ended up driving myself in a blackout to a suicide/addiction facility at 4am I was discharged yesterday and find myself in a situation that is screaming for change. Oh, by the way, if you need to check yourself in somewhere for mental/addiction reasons, wait until the new year because if your stay straddles the new year, your deductible starts over twice (the bill is absolutely brutal). Let's just put it this way, the bill is more than a year's worth of rent.
Meetings everyday, IOP, employment- the three things I need to change starting today. That is, having all three. I'm scared. Plainly put, I'm terrified of going back out into the workforce. In Meadows (the facility I was in) I was comfortable because I was around people that understood and were more or less like me. As sick as it sounds, I do better in places like that than I do in the real world. Guess, like all of us, I want to enjoy life again. Despite what I've said, I actually do want a job, want somewhere to be, people to see and talk to. Just scared that I'll freak out or not be able to perform even menial tasks.
Hope everyone is warmer than me (freaking 9 degrees outside!)
sounds like you're nearing the jumping off point. too bad it's a brutal winter. I was going to suggest getting involved with some good old construction work, but you're transition into that field, mid winter, would be more than you could handle. I did 14 winters outside on high-rise building construction and subsequently moved to FL to escape the every year brutality of it. But it's even in the 30'-40's here all week and with the humidity, feels just as cold as it was in the CO. mountains last week when I was skiing. Find a mindless job that you can show up and do, and throw yourself into the program, do all the things that you wouldn't do before. Desperation and willingness are your friend.
hello, its good u got back. what is IOP? About employment, this is one area i am strugglying with, have always struggled with. Ive not had a drink for 10 years but this is something i battle with. i think i might start my own thread as not to take yours off course. But yeh i find the whole work thing so hard to cope with. I have other issues besides being an alkie, but my alkie thinking messes me up with work. I am terrified of work situations, dont know what i want to do, change my mind all the time, doubt myself etc etc. My sponsor recently told me to get a part time easy job to start with. As I have had other problems and not been working for some years. Well her suggestion sounds reasonable but i had not thought of that. No i was thinking of a stressful fulltime job that i had previously trained for. crazy thinking.... i dont know how to do this thing called life.
When i first sobered up i had time off which i am grateful for. Others i know went into work straight away. I hope it works out for you .
-- Edited by slugcat on Tuesday 5th of January 2010 10:56:19 AM
Dodds, Good to hear from you. Glad you make it back without to big of a mess to clean up in your wake. I to became comfortable in Detox/Rehab. It was like I was sheltered from the outer world with people just like me. What I found was I have that same feeling now with my AA meetings. I truly feel wanted, needed and loved there. Something I always wanted but never obtained because of my sickness- alcoholism. We're all scared of change in the beginning. We are sensitive people. Fear of the unknown is our enemy. Trust in AA and God. I would recommend going to a meeting today- let them know honestly where your at and ask for help. It's humbling but it does every alcoholic some good. God works through people and he'll take care of the rest. Remember HOW alcoholics obtain and maintain sobriety: honesty, openminded and willingness. Please keep posting and help us stay sober.
hey there.....any chance there are any halfway houses, or recovery houses in your area? You work while there and are surrounded with support and structure, usually for 6 months to a year, depending on the program and your needs. Might be worth checking out, for a transition to what you call the "real world". But trust me, ithe world is just as real wherever we are LOL! Might also be worth making an appeal to the insurance carrier regarding the back-to-back deductable.
Hey Dods, I know this is the third rail of the program, but have you tried a new church? Any church? I know the HP thing is an individual choice, but it seems like you may be in and out of a spiritual state. The programs goal is for us to work the steps that bring us to that state of mind where our HP takes the load. If the church thing does not work out, all you have lost is a few hours attempting to strengthen your spiritually which is never a waste of time. Who knows, miracles happen every day! Good luck with prayers!!! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
leeu- funny you should mention a halfway house. The facility I was in gave me a referral to a place called Amethyst House here in my town. Its a halfway house and I actually have an interview tomorrow. I think that is the best route for me if they want to have me. I just cannot do the same things as I have done after each relapse- live in my own apartment (subsidized by my parents) or live WITH my parents. Both situations have yielded the same result over the past two years: Drinking.
We'll see, for all I know the folks at Amethyst House will not deem me suitable for their residential program. I think a lot of people that end up there were incarcerated and need a bridge back into society. Who knows. If I don't get in then I will do an outpatient program.
So many things in limbo right now. Need to have some tunnel vision and just focus on one thing at a time. On the bright side, I went to two meetings today. I don't believe I have ever done that (except for my first stint in rehab-made us go to 4 meetings a day).
Aloha Dods...glad you found your way back from the edge. Seems like you know the system pretty well but want to do something else. Might you want to ask them if they have any positions working in the program that will keep you connected and maybe also affirm your position in the house. I know for me safe can be a toxic place for me to not get out and exercise my recovey program. That was one of the things that helped my fear go away. The fellowship has never been too far away for me to reach out to and most times is as close as my memory. Look for something that envolves helping others.
Dods, why not try halfway in another town? Of course geographics aren't the cure, but a geographic with planned recovery methods is a different story. Either way, just surrender as much as you can to the program and don't base your future on what has happened in the past persay.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Welcome back, Dods. Glad yer here. I've been a chronic relapser for 20+ years but I've also had periods of good sobriety. I always did best at recovery houses-- I usually ended up managing them, which might be part of my problem. Maybe I was trying to do too much too soon.
Really really wanting to drink tonight. Wanting to but not wanting to really. Forced myself to a meeting tonight but walked in and sat there like a 15yr old with an attitude problem. I faked it and shook hands and responded when people said "Hi my name is______I'm an alcoholic" Feels like I have the f****** jitters, just wound the hell up. My calmness coming out of the hospital lasted all but 4 days. Called my sponsor after the meeting, afraid to tell him that I was really struggling. I for the life of me cannot understand how this is done when I'm like this. I'm pretty damn unteachable today even though I prayed about it this morning. Jesus, I can't believe (i should by now though) how quickly of a mental turnaround I can make. One day I'm making promises about the halfway house and promising to go get a job (last two days I've punked out on the job search) and then today all I've thought about was having an evening to myself with some alcohol. I got high last night so my piss is going to be dirty for a drug screen for both potential employers AND halfway house. Oh, the insanity! F*** it, all we've got is the moment, right? Sorry, just venting aimlessly.
Dodds, sounds like you're having a lot of fear and not realizing. You described it as "wound up". Being detached from our feelings is quite a "normal" state. You're looking at some major changes in the way you operate by way of detaching from the security of your parents to the unknown. That's a leap of faith, and you need a faith system. Pray and work on getting closer to your higher power. You're going to need him,her,it.
Pulling out my old standby...I agree with Dean. Also Dodds, weed might not mess you up like alcohol, but it's really not a good solution. Don't give up on yourself Adam...Please.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I was supposed to meet with my sponsor last night and talk/read AA literature, basically work the 1st step over again. When he called 2 hours before I just had to tell him that I'd gotten high. For whatever reason, probably because I really respect and like this guy, lying just wasn't an option. He had met with me, talked with me, and helped me through the first 7 steps over the last two years only to watch me make that bad decision to return to drugs and alcohol, over and over and over, and over, etc...So I felt it would be just short of a mortal sin for me to drag him out into the city and meet with me, all the while the "using" part of me being active or whatever. Well, when I told him I could just hear his tone of voice, like "really? you just spoiled your last chance with me punk". He didn't say that but the way he said "Well, that's too bad dude" just curdled my stomach. He hung up the phone and then called back about 30minutes later and told me that he was done with me. It feels like that boat has sailed, carrying both sponsorship and friendship with it. It finally happened, my decision to use has severed that relationship and probably the ones on the peripheral (other guys from that meeting) since everyone is real right at Campus Group. I start IOP on Wednesday so I'm not packing it in or anything. I'm not sure if it would be better for me to be looking for a new sponsor right away or soon, or if its better to go it alone for awhile. ??
Hey Dodds, To me, it's more important to go to meetings every day then it is to have a sponsor. You can't do a sponsor instead of meetings. The group can be your sponsor in the beginning. I mean you know how to work the first step. What we really need is to buy time. Continuous sobriety time. Nothing can replace time. Time isn't everything and there are certainly people with half the time that I have with a better program, but in the beginning, we need make continuous time in sobriety. The best way to do that is to go to meetings everyday, 2 or 3 a day if we're having trouble with urges to drink. I've seen people hang out at AA clubs and go to every meeting that they had that day because they felt if they walked away they would drink. We have to whatever we can to stay sober. A sponsor can't walk that walk for us, we've gotta do the do. We've got to tell that inner voice, that's wants to drink and use to stfu and go to a meeting. It's that simple.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 11th of January 2010 09:26:03 PM
I was discharged yesterday and find myself in a situation that is screaming for change. Oh, by the way, if you need to check yourself in somewhere for mental/addiction reasons, wait until the new year because if your stay straddles the new year, your deductible starts over twice (the bill is absolutely brutal). Let's just put it this way, the bill is more than a year's worth of rent. 
