I have to get this off my chest

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

I have to get this off my chest

Toad · Senior Member

Sometimes I need to find a place and build me a little fire.
I know the old man upstairs leans into wood smoke. He gets close.
And when he gets close it is good.
Toad

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

I'm feeling for you, Billy. Not that this will help bring your loved ones closer any quicker but I know how it feels to not have things how I'd like them. I have to surrender again & say "Yes, God I know this is your will. I will accept it with all my heart though somewhere inside I feel I don't want to. I know your love is greater than I can ever hope to dream & your sense is wiser than I can ever know yet still I have to trust that this is how it's meant to be, just for now, just for this moment & I know that your delays are not denials. I am grateful for all you have given & I know I can only grow in your time. I love you & I trust you though this moment hurts & touches me with a loneliness & longing. I know I am not alone & that I am strong enough in your guidance to love from afar until a time when I can love nearer"

I say this for me too, Bill & can apply it to anything I want in my life though granted I'm not feeling how you are for your children for I've none of my own but I can empathise & help in just being with you right now & letting you know that like I've said in this prayer I can long for anything I haven't got but it's not necessarily God's will for me to have right now & I have to bear, accept & be patient even though it might feel like forever just for these moments.

You're right, it will pass & your acceptance will return yet it is ok to understand you'll have grief & disappointment at times. Sometimes I feel so pushed to recover that I can deny or disallow my feelings. I am grateful for the times when I'm able to be honest & confide with a friend & even shed some tears that release the pain & tension into a physical energy that can be let go of & dealt with in this sort of healing. I won't tell you to snap out of it like you might be expecting or hoping for in a bid to change how you feel only that you are healing & I feel your acceptance will come again.

You're a good man, Bill & your heart & message will come across one day when & if the time is right. In the meantime, be really good to & look after you & those you have close to you in your life. It is a continued amend that you've changed & that you're continuing to do so. There is so much good that is going on. I know you can see that & I hope you can stay strong & know that everything will be ok & your serenity will return. Keep on surrendering, Bill.

You are loved. So much more than you can know. Even, I'm sure, by those who maybe out of sight just for this moment. Things will keep getting better as they already are 1Day@aTime. With you in heart & support, Danielle x

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Bill,
I know you sent ammends to the kids. Your daughter a year ago and your son a couple weeks ago. Is it possible to just show up and hug your daughter? Tell her she does not have to discuss anything but you just needed to hug your daughter for Christmas and drop presents for her and any grandkids? Let her know you know its too soon for her brother, (your son) but that you would like to hug him too?? This may be bad advice not knowing the whole situation, but I do believe in the power of Christmas. Barring that, bare your soul to your other family at the AA meeting. Good Luck, and lots of prayerful thoughts,
Tom

-- Edited by turninggrey on Sunday 20th of December 2009 08:29:39 PM

newcomer · Senior Member

This is tough, I'm not in love with christmas myself and this is my first one sober, to top it all off the road conditions are so bad that I cannot get to work tomorrow or get to my monday meeting, sending prayers your way.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Bill, I feel your pain bro. Time heals all wounds. If you've made amends to them then let father time do his thing. My son cut communication with me for the better part of three years through no fault of my own. He wasn't going to school regularly and couldn't bare the thought of lying to me about it so his solution was to not talk to me at all. He wouldn't answer my phone calls nor return my messages. It hurt badly. We resolved this last year, but I still have resentments that I'm trying to get rid of before I lash out at him.
Give it time man.

Dean

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha BB...and you're right "This too will pass" and in the meantime I get/got a chance
to practice patience and faith and no expectations.   All were necessary for that day and
the way it came back together.   It will come back together I promise if you work for it
and stay open and available. It took time...lots of it and I was always available during
that time. We get rewarded for our work and before the reward most wanted arrives
I get to work with others and watch them grow and this quiets my heart and spirit for
the time before I get to smile again and maybe kneel in gratitude.

It will happen. Its about love and love is another name for my HP. In support always
I'll share some of that pain with you.    smile

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

I'm responding because it's hard to hear about anyone here hurting, and you are someone I have seen here since I became a member.

The first thought that came to me was acceptance. To me, just sitting with things that feel like crap, is down right painful and scary. In the past it would lead to instant depression as I was unable to truly let go, stop my thinking which would lead to a deeper dissatisfaction with things as they stood. I sense that your footing in life and the program will not lead to outright despair. Sometimes I have to just do nothing about something I'm feeling and just sit and accept it and trust that eventually it will pass. When I'm living in such a state, even in sobriety, this is small comfort. However, many experiences in AA and beyond show that simple old acceptance is the trigger for eventual change.

In the mean time, please accept a giant warm loving hug.

John · Admin

Hi Bill!

I have been right where you are at regarding family and the holidays. Without a doubt it hurts, and yes, with it comes the envy and jealousy of others who have re-established family ties and are deleriously happy about it. My first few years of recovery was very hard. No family members to celebrate it with, or any family to celebrate any holidays with.

So... I had to reach inside the fellowship of AA and from there I pulled together what I refer to as "my family of choice". It didn't make any of the pain go away, but it did take the intensity out of it during the holidays when I surrounded myself with fellow AA members, my sponsor and actively participated in AA related events that were happening during the holidays.

My son was 8 years old when I entered the rooms and surrendered. Today, I am celebrating 20 years of sobriety. My sobreity date is 12/21/89. My son, who is now 28, with a wife and 3 kids, and one in the oven spent my first 5 years being pissed off at me, not wanting to spend any time with me, and just somewhat resentful, (well, a lot resentful) because he didn't have me as a father as a child, even when we were under the same roof, and then I got sober and sobriety became my priority. Dad was always running out the door to go to work, meetings, to see his sponsor, to pick someone up to take to a meeting, ect, ect, ect.... so I wasn't really present and available much more in early sobriety than I was when drinking. And of course he was always waiting for when the time would come that Dad would screw up again, like he always did when it came to alcohol. Then too there was Mom from whom I was divorced, who didn't encourage any good feelings towards Dad either... by the time I reached the rooms, she had determined that I wasn't much more than a hopeless drunk.

20 years later... My son and I have a strong, very close relationship. Time alone healed most of the wounds. Making a living amends one day at a time, by staying sober one day at a time. Finding my place in this world with family, work, recovery, ect... and settling into that place was a task for me. No, my son didn't much talk to me in those first 5 years, but not one time did I show up at a birthday of his, intoxicated. Sometimes I would call just to simply say "hello", even though I knew (and it hurt) it would be a very short call, because he wouldn't have much to say to me. I ended all of our physical encounters with a hug and an "I love you". And all our verbal communications by phone with an "I love you". I got to a place where I thought I would never hear those words come from his lips towards me....

At my 10th year anniversary I was asked to be the speaker at a meeting. I was living in Virginia. My son was living in Texas. I spoke for about 40 minutes, so the chair person asked if any one in the room wanted to share. A hand went up, and a voice spoke. It was my son. Eighteen years old. He had travelled to Virginia to be with me on this day, unbeknowst to me. Slightly teary eyed, as he said... "for most my life I didn't understand, today I do, and I want you to know that I love you and am very proud of you." He looked around the room at the other members and finished, "I thank God that AA did for you what AA does".

Today, I still have a few small sorrows related to my past, the many things that alcoholism took away from me over the years, but I hold on to the graditude of what AA and God has given to me over the past 20 years. Most of which I don't deserve and never earned, but was simply a gift of sobriety.

From one biker to another, let me share this with you. My kids didn't get much of a christmas when I was drinking. Today my amends is made when I get on my motorcycle for the Toys for Tots run, with 100's of other bikers and take a gift to someone elses child. Today my amends is made when I put a box of goodies together for my grandchildren and I get to be a good grandfather to my son's children.

When life seems to really be bearing down on me, when I get a case of the slumps, when I have any fear... I get on my motorcycle, take it out on a country road, open it up (and I do ride pretty hard), and let God blow the dust of life off of me. I can't stay depressed, angry, hurt, lonely, any thing negative when I'm on my bike. I have tried to get on my bike and not break out in a smile. It doesn't work for me. I would ruin a "bikers" reputation with how much I smile as I sit on my bike. When I'm on my bike, I absolutely feel spiritually connected. No matter whats going on, I know in my heart of heart that God's got my back and I'm going to be alright.

Sober hugs to ya buddy!

John

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Thanks you lot. Don't know what I was expecting but was surprised by my reaction now. Just had to dry my eyes. Time takes time. Fear is the problem (will this ever happen? I'm 53, how many years do I have left? They're 18 and 23, how many years do they have left, Is the hurt to great?) Acceptance is the answer. Sometimes doing nothing is the right thing to do. The cards and gifts are in the post - it's best if I keep out of the way - I've invited a friend from the fellowship for Christmas, hope he can get through the snow, last night I wrote al this down and threw it on the fire - sending it up to my HP - slept well last night - counted my blessings this morning - grateful to wake up, clean, warm, comfortable and drawing breath - those of you who have your families, great, enjoy them best you can, those of us who haven't, we need to be patient and lean on our chosen family in the fellowship.

Merry Christmas, love, Bill.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Merry Christmas Bill. Glad to see you here, but sorry to here you are having to experience what you described. There are ways of thinking more positive about it, but the reality of the situation is saddening. Regardless, you make me think of the 3rd step prayer in that you are triumphing still in your program and in your sobriety and God and the rest of us are witnesses to that miracle. Posting here and showing us all what you go through and still stay sober is actually showing me and everyone else that we can get through anything without having to drink. On the lighter side, My psychiatrist has an embroidered pillow in his office that says "Bikers don't need psychiatrists." There must be something to that...Even though of course, if I thought that was a solution for me, I'd run out and buy one fast :) Either way, thanks for being you and for coming here and sharing your honesty, you opinions, and your wisdom.

Mark

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hang in there Bill!
Tom

ljc · MIP Old Timer

((((((( Bill ))))))))))

Call your kids , tell them Merry Christmas and that You love Them.
Then call a sponsee and go have coffee or a meal. Or go to a meeting and search out somebody who is in need to help.

And yeah ... this too shall pass

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

I would like to call them, individually, but I have committed not to call my daughter at her request and I don't have a number for my son. I'll have to be satisfied with the message in the cards.

Avril G · Senior Member

We are not lovers of Christmas either, Bill, so if yer in the area and fancy a coffee, you know where we are, apart from visiting family for a couple of hours Christmas Eve and New Years eve, and going to meetings, we are likely to be at home complaining about 'What shite they put on telly at Christmas, everything's either a bloody repeat or not worth watching'

I have asked for a coupe of comedy DVD's though, which we will probably watch whilst eating all the chocolates!!! Ours is open house always, and especially at Christmas. I only do a dinner 'cos me dad likes the Christmas Dinner tradition, though for the amount he eats, it's hardly worth it.

It'l be good to have someone else to moan to. biggrin

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Thanks Av, i will call round. are you and the lad going to Linwood tonight?

Read your post as 'I'd asked for a Coupe (as in sexy fast car) before I got to the DVDs bit. Thought allo allo, JCs come into a few bob then.

johnphilip19 · Veteran Member

Not to be "self indulgent" as Bill said, but Christmas is relatively dark for me as well. I haven't spoken to my father in four months, even though I have gotten him a gift. It still makes me angry that I have gotten him something and he still won't speak to me. It takes every resistance in me not to drown in any alcohol I can find.

johnphilip19 · Veteran Member

johnphilip19 wrote:

Not to be "self indulgent" as Bill said, but Christmas is relatively dark for me as well. I haven't spoken to my father in four months, even though I have gotten him a gift. It still makes me angry that I have gotten him something and he still won't speak to me. It takes every resistance in me not to drown in any alcohol I can find.

On a lighter note, the film Lethal Weapon is good to watch when you're feeling like like crap, especially during the holidays!

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

So to update, what's been going on chez moi the past few days? d'accord, ca va, as you can probably tell my sponsor came home so my conversation now get's smattered with schoolboy French, but I spent a very happy couple hours with him and his partner Tuesday night. (and 2 of their grandchildren)

one of my sponsees came back to the rooms after a 4 month hiatus - he hasn't drank but he and his wife lost the second IV pregnancy 4 months ago, so he disappeared into a whirl of work, overtime, working days off, buying big off roaders, new toys, new shotgun etc. after 4 months he told me there was nothing left other than either drink or AA. He chose AA. Let's see how this goes. the lesson for me was I had my kids for 14 and 18 years, he hasn't got them yet.

My other sponsee - his wife is in hospital and unlikely to get home for Christmas. My missus is hale and hearty.

I've had some plaudits at work along with a full and frank discussion on appropriate roles and responsibilities with my boss.

a friend at work is having it tough - 37 people to manage, no good will from his team, a bully for a boss and his dad's in hospital with heart trouble, in the next bed is his son with kidney stones. What have I got to whinge on about?

Great joint AA and AlAnon open meeting last night - sudden fall of snow meant that a 10 minute journey took nearly an hour. Common sense has prevailed today, I'm not travelling to the other side of the country, that can wait for next year. my mate has decided to get the train over here to spend some time with me at Christmas.

The homeless guy that has been living under a bush outside the saturday meeting for 2 years has been found and taken home by his sons (who cycled down from leeds to barnsley to find him, about 35 miles)

I had the best start to the day, woke up, drew breath, it just get's better after that. I still got a clean, dry warm bed, food in the cupboard and friends who give a shit about me and I hope to see many of them in about 2 hours at the afternoon meeting.

Done a bit of Christmas shopping, didn't do cards other than family, put the money in various pots and charity tins instead. Still waiting for my spares to arrive, lot's of people have offered open house over Christmas.