Long story short.... Woman in homegroup...single mom...day's biggest stresser is getting her kindergartener out the door in the mrning with toddler in tow to walk 1/2 mile in Iowa cold to get her to school. They're always late. How do I know? I see her every morning when I'M late for work. Yesterday she was sobbing and blubbering and she is definately a "poor me" individual with a train wreck for a life.
Like us all.
So I offered to give her K'gardener a ride in the morning. Little K'g gets to school on time, I can roll my pre-k into the same circuit and I get to work on time...for once.
I see win, win, win AND a hearty helping of SERVICE & UNITY in the service, unity, recovery trinity.
My trepidation is that I will get sucked, drawn, captured or entangled in this woman's web of drama.
I don't want that, and I know damned well that my wife doesn't want that.
Advice? Am I doing the right thing for the right reasons or am I doing the wrong thing for the right reasons?
Hey AM, Sounds like it is too late. She already depends on you now. What you are doing is good. Beware the pitfalls. I would keep it really brief with her to the point of explaining that you have a lot on your own plate, and that you would like to do her a favor but that you really have to focus on your family. Ride for the kid, fine. Oprah assistant--NO.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
From the point of ONLY stopping, pick up the child, no need for conversation.........Just an IRON Boundary.....personally dont feel you owe her an elplanation of anything like too busy with my own life, just show her in your actions.
I have done this for others, and I'm in the car, open the door and let the child in, and make sure they have what they need, snacks, etc. then the door closes and the child gets the ride, end of story, think of yourself of a school bus driver, and how focused they are always, only on their routes, if she demands to attempt to draw you into her own BS, then rides are over, no more admission into your car.....tough love on this with a crystal clear boundary. If you just "sense" some hidden adjenda going on, like she is just too needy, I say drop the good will effort, and put it somewhere where it will be appreciated, AS A COURTESY, LIKE A RIDE.
I am sensing that you are already sensing some drain on you , my vote, in that is the case, change your mind, no more rides. You dont need that BS in your life.
If you are sober and it 'feels' like the right thing, it is the right thing. You are wise to beware the entanglements of codependency. After doing 'bad' for soooo long sometimes I have to be cautious not to try to do too much 'good'. Isn't this program exciting? Never have to be bored. But seriously keep honest with yourself and sponsor and honor boundaries. Good luck, Neil
I've been in simialr circumstances and I realise there is a reason for men for men and women for women.
I used to be the AA taxi for any woman who asked. I'd run anyone anywhere. Then although it was all perfectly innocent, gossip started - bill's shagging this one, Bill's shagging that one, Bill's 13th stepping you know the score.
It didn't help me. It didn't help the women. Plus someone asked me what my wife thought about all this. No matter how innocent it is it looks BAD.
Finally, one guy suggested I ought to get a pair of red crosses and a blue flashing light for my car.
I am very, very careful around AA women now. I do give lifts to women if they ask, if it's on my way, if it's convenient, if the woman has some sobriety, if her partner is ok with it, if my wife is OK with it and first and foremost if i am OK with it.
I refuse to give lifts to women if they are less than 6 months sober unless i have a buddy in the car and I tell them that.
OK I know you say it's for the kid, but the kid has a mother. Aren't there any women who can offer a lift to the kid? Are you really helping her sort herself out? Is it that unmanageable to get your own kid to school in winter?
This is fraught with danger, temptation and scope for gossip. My suggestion would be back away now.
Examine your motives.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I read this and get a reminder of why fear is my greatest emotional character defect and why it has it's highest standing in our recovery. However saying that I also know that working this program in all of my affairs changes everything and I get to be the person I desire to be and of use to my HP at anytime without the presence of fear.
If I have my lessons learned and my values reset and the order of priority the way it is suppose to be I worry less about screwing things up and confirming others fears about what will happen. Trust God, clean house and help others gets to be higher education and more perfected work for me when my recovery becomes so important that I would not destroy it for any reason. Today I can do good with and for others without fear...or choose not to without fear. The wisdom to know the difference.
I no longer drink. I no longer take advantage of drunks; men or women. That one is about a relationship with my Higher Power who caused other drunks to be in my life needing the same love and attention I needed and got/get in our program of recovery.
On the issue of whether it is helping or being codependent I was given a test years ago in program. If the other person has the time, ability and facility to get there needs met and I step in and take over that is codependence. If they lack any one of those three things AND I ask them if they need help...that's being helpful.
You don't get to be sucked into trouble without your permission.
This is a great thread AM...thanks for it.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 8th of December 2009 02:02:50 PM
Hmmmm, I read your post and said a quick thankyou. An enormous feeling of gratitude for all the people who were willing to help me in my recovery even though I was a blubbering mess of drama. Today I realize that I dont always get to pick and choose who might be in need of my service.....God just puts them in my path and expects me to do what others did for me.
That's very nice of you Aquadude, but I'd be concerned about liability and other legal issues concerning being alone with someone's child, especially someone that you don't know (I'm assuming). 1/2 mile is not that far and you're probably preventing them from getting some needed exercise. I try to limit my "daily good deeds" to one per customer.
Very nice of you to offer to help her out . Dont get involved in the drama she is in. Easily done by just not letting yourself get sucked into anything other than helping her out with the kindergartner. Set boundaries and pray that you get her kid to school safely when you do take the kids to school.
Does the mother ride with you? I would be leary if she did, leary if she didn't!!! You never know what kind of crap people can come up with, while their children are in YOUR care, without the parent around. And if she IS riding with you, welcome to the possibility of getting sucked in. It sounds like a Lose Lose situation, and then if you DON'T help, I have to think of how I'd feel driving by every morning. Isn't there a BUS??
If I were you, I would talk to my sponsor at length about it, and pray about it. Maybe even talk to a counselor, or bring it to a discussion meeting. It sucks that we cannot trust the world we live in today, but that's the way it is. Very delicate these days. Good luck to you, and keep us posted on this one. Who knows, this situation might be a good "teacher", one way or another?
Would your wife consider driving the child to school??
Curious me....
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks for the points of view! I never thought of another AA as a possible liability. I just saw the need for service & unity. How naive of me. I clearly did not think this through. WTF!? WTF!?
Drunk Rob was a misanthropic cynic and would not have allowed this vulnerability to take place. AA Rob is so pumped-up on faith, service and unity that he's left his flanks exposed. AA doesn't stand for Another Angel. We don't generally come from good places.
I'm a home-owner. I have personal liability insurance. If she were to coach her daughter on what to say...trump-up an accusation...there is a significant "what's in it for her" from a civil suit. Even if criminal charges went nowhere, an insurance company has the option of settling or litigating. It's usually cheaper to settle. Not to mention that if I were even "brought in for questioning" it would be sent out to the local media outlets (my competitors) who would make damned sure that it made their news. Who's going to buy ads from an accused molester? Good bye job. Good bye town. The only witnesses to the terms of this arrangement are people who agree that "what you see here and what you hear here, please let it stay here."
F***. How could I suddenly be so ignorant of what 43 years on this spinning rock has illustrated time & again; people can be trusted for as far as your mutual interests overlap. F***.
