subtituting with.....

Stephanie14 · Veteran Member

subtituting with.....

Stephanie14 · Veteran Member

My security blanket is gone... :(

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Stephanie14 wrote:

I just need to stay strong and learn to live without someone telling me I am good enough all the time.

that person needs to be you. this is a great daily affirmations reader that many of us

use and it's awesome. the bookstore on mip is under reconstruction right now so I'm adding a link to amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Daily-Affirmations-Adult-Children-Alcoholics/dp/0932194273/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 5th of December 2009 01:35:41 AM

ljc · MIP Old Timer

When I got sober I wanted my husband to praise me. I wanted him to be proud of me. After all ... didnt he know how hard it was for me to get sober and change my life ? No, he didnt realize what I was going thru and my expectations of him were way off base.

I found out it is very normal for me to be dependant upon any one individual. ( after all I was when I was drinking ) therfor I carried that behavior over into my sobriety without even knowing I was. I believe it is called codependancy. My sponsor kept telling me to keep the focus on me and staying sober. Forget about others and what I think I can get from them. I needed to stay sober or I was gonna die. I was to keep my expectations low and gratitude high.

I also found that it is highly suggested when a person is new to sobriety that they wait to make any major changes or develop any opposite sex relationships until after the first year of sobriety. No job changes, or major geographical moves. Getting sober is difficult enough in the beginning let alone mix more changes into the process.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Stephanie, you sound like a younger and female version of me. Yeah, I tried to do that and was dating someone new by 2 months sober after a wretched break up with my partner of 7 years. I struggled at times trying to use him like a drug to feel better...but I guess God was looking out for me cuz the guy is not a codependent type and he didn't let me latch on to him like that. This allowed me to put my program first, but it was still not the best choice persay to be in a relationship at all. But yes...I fully identify once again with your post. I stopped drinking and then was confronted with all this crap that I didn't like about myself. AA helped tremendously, but feeling validated through someone else was just an instinctual reaction. Nonetheless, keep it in check....first things first...you are not drinking and this guy didn't save you from every moment of pain and I doubt he was literally there all the time. You accomplished a lot on your own. Also, you are going to have break ups and painful situations and not drinking cuz of them is the real test. Eventually, if you stay sober, you won't be quite so dependent on others because it drives you nuts. Sounds like it's all working out and you are learning this already though it's sucky and painful. But again, you are 24 and im 37 and learning this junk now so Kudos to you! Stay strong.

Mark

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Steph,
You also have to remember that being in your mid 20's makes you pretty young in the scheme of things and you are in a "new" situation. You are very perceptive in the fact that at this point in your sobriety, you start to examine a lot of things that affect your sobriety, and one of those things is your significant other or who your significant other should be. If you read back through the threads, the good news is that this happens frequently and people survive it and add it to their lifes experiences and benefit from the slightly painful experience. You are doing great. (And the beauty of the internet is that you can be sure that I am not saying that to hit on you later like the guys at your meetings wink

)

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

What a great post Stephanie especially in due to the fact that you are speaking to one
alcoholic that needs to be reminded constantly...me!!   Alcoholism is a compulsion of
the mind, a mental need real or unreal. I rarely go to a meeting today that doesn't have
a table load of pastries and sweets for the membership to just literally raid. Hey I don't
drink anymore why can I have a fist full of cookies now and then not to mention that
there aren't in the cubboard at home.   I have even attended a talk given by Fr. Joe
Martin which included telling those in attendance about substituting meetings for drinking
with the drinking crowd instead of being responsible to family.    It seems that I need
something outside myself to make my insides feel okay.

Affirmations work as Dean has suggested and from my own experiences. Getting me to
believe me when I started to accept that I was okay the way I was at any one point in
time was a task and at times I needed feedback from others too help but all the time?
I wanted to take home those that made me feel good also until I came to realize that
it was proof I was still using. When I quit drinking all alcohol did for me was make me
feel bad. The rush and explosion was far gone and the people I was drinking with were
not making sense to me anymore and I was rejecting the lifestyle. I can tell you that
a donut doesn't cure that or even a new friend who gives me what I should be able to
give myself instead.

I will re-read this thread over and over in the next couple of days to get the feedback
from others on the subject.   In the meantime I know that you know that you're good
people; a kind and caring child of God.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

That sounds like an amazing breakthrough, Stephanie & I'm made up for you. Not that you're hurting & feel at a loss now but that you're prepared to let go & get as honest as you possibly can in order to understand what the blocks are to your connecting with your Higher Power.

I can relate to what you're saying completely. I've always been an approval-seeker. I'm only just realising & addressing how much. Lucky for me my boyfriend works a thorough program & has an awareness of codependency so goes nowhere near indulging me. When he did do early doors we both got sick within a couple of hours & he ended up having to surrender himself & pray until he got his peace back lol

I'm now attending Codependents Anonymous & learning as much as I can about how deep & wide this illness can go for me, where it even may have developed from & how I can turn it around from sickness to health. I desire healthy relationships on all counts & it now seems that in order to do that I must stay strong, connected & faithful to my Higher Power so that my dependence is there rather than on others affirming & boosting up my low self-worth.

I never knew how dangerous I was to myself but I'm gaining something of an awakening now & I'm not even half way through that program. It's the same steps of course except I am powerless over others. By implication, they are also powerless over me :)

Exercising healthy boundaries is a must if I want to get on well with others. I'm learning how to respect other people's autonomy meaning I don't have to keep expectations of how I want them to be with me. To keep this on topic exactly I mean like Friday I was having drinking thoughts as a result of a resentment I had had for a couple of weeks.

I didn't realise this would lead to any drinking thoughts & I had been working a lot of the steps in many other areas but that along with some projecting around ambitions I wanted for the future & some confusions I was having about life & death were all building up & creating a pressure pot within me. I did talk to my sponsor & felt a lot better but something was still not quite at ease.

Eventually I turned on Carl & criticised him saying that he didn't praise me or say how proud of me he is enough & that I wasn't happy about it. He said that he loves me, thinks I'm beautiful, I work a good program & that he thought he let me know these things in healthy proportions. He said that he didn't want to be in the habit of praising me for everything I did because he didn't think it would be good for either of us. He made a second thought & said maybe he could praise me more often if he really wasn't doing it that often at all but that he didn't think so.

My response was to get spiteful & say 'Ok, well if I want praise or for someone to tell me they're proud then I'm best phoning my Mum & Dad, aren't I!' & looked at him. He said 'Do you feel any better for saying that?' I said not & stood there looking at him. Standing off lol He wasn't being mean & he wasn't arguing either. As I looked at him I realised that it was me & my negative thinking at it again & that he was simply being loving like he always is. I let go of it, remembered it is better to love than to be loved, gave him 'a break' & a hug.

The point being that I was causing my own pain by demanding or wanting something that I thought wasn't being freely given. It wasn't even true & I said to Carl that actually maybe I ought to pay attention to when he does, if ever, make positive comments. Not that I ought to be dependent on them but that I shouldn't be ignorant of them either. Credit where credit's due. I wasn't being fair because I was after an immediate outcome.

I am learning that the best approval I can get ultimately is my own in keeping with my Higher Power's will for me. I went to Coda tonight & shared so much about this other resentment that had been under my skin for a couple of weeks. The irony was that that was to do with my hurt pride in approval-seeking & I had been giving my power away all along in the nurturing of it. Acceptance, responsibility & forgiveness were the tonics in this instance & I feel worked through all of that issue now just for today.

So, in answer to your post. I think it's great that you're where you're at. You may feel like your security blanket is gone today but stay close with your HP & everything that builds towards that. It is my experience that that lovely, warm, safe, wrapped up feeling comes & comes when I lovingly affirm myself, surrender my defects, do the next right thing & give credit & thanks to the God of my understanding who loves me even more beyond my comprehension than I can imagine & provides me with everything I have to give.

Keep doing what you're doing & you'll keep getting what you're getting. By the looks of things that's getting better & better. Well Done in your 9mths, Stephanie :) Danielle x