Hey guys, I need to tell you that I've had one. Been missing meetings for the last week or so - and bingo, last night, stopped by the pub and had three pints of beer and another bottle when I got home.
Feel just like such a loser today. Can't believe that I did that. Need to get back into the saddle today and start back in Step 1 again.
A slip does not make you a loser. In my past when I had that slip time and again, I always felt the same as you. Then I was reminded that we have a disease. If you suffered from cancer and woke up one day in agony would you feel like you some how failed? Remember, it's about our progress were making toward living a better, sober life. I see progress just by your being here and being honest with your fellow A.A.'s. Don't give up, because you never know how close to the miracle you really are!
You mentioned that you have been missing meetings .. are you relying on them to keep you sober ??
Do you have a sponsor that you are working closely with and working the steps, do you have a God that you are relying on, are you reading and applying to your life what you read in the BB of AA ??
Apparently you didnt feel the need to call someone before heading to the bar, therefor giving someone the opportunity to help you . Do you really believe that you are an alcoholic ? You were able to stop after taking what , 4 drinks ? Was this slip a real convincer for you that you cannot drink ?
Lots of questions to ask yourself Steve. And what are you willing to do to not drink ? ( if in fact that is what you want, complete sobriety ).
Yep, back to step 1, seems you forgot you were powerless over alcohol.
I know every time I went back out and got drunk, I didnt forget my powerlessness. I simply just didnt care.
Glad you made it back , ya know ... there are some who dont. they either stay out there drinking and we never see them again, or the die . Either way its a bad deal.
Hey Steve, You are in the majority of us who have done the same! Like you say, your faithful steed is waiting and is already saddled for you. Mount up. While you ride think about what lessons you have learned from the slip. Use the slip to your advantage. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Oh Steve... you have no idea how much this post helps me today. I just passed 90 days and had a slip last night. I didn't forget that I was powerless, I really just didn't care. I had an extremely painful therapy session yesterday & gave myself permission to drink over it.
I do have a sponsor but she does not answer my calls nor return them, therefore: time for a new sponsor. Regardless, I didn't call her last night.
I'm extrordinarily disappointed in myself. I've been in tears most of the morning, I feel like such a failure. On the other hand, I do know what meeting I'm going to tonight, and tomorrow & the next day, all I can do is pick myself up and move forward.
But thank you for sharing. This is the first place I came this morning & I am glad I did.
No need to worry dear, dust yourself off, pick yourself up, and start all over again. I echo what Tom wrote, you are in the Majority here, and we have all done this, dont look back, learn the lesson, it is not a shame lesson, it is a lesson on the real nature of the tretcherouness of the Cunning, Baffling and Powerful part of a Disease the WE all share.
Lots of Love to you, and so happy you owned up. and here you are, yesterday is gone, and it does not matter, right, just the lesson of it.
Hope you go to a meeting and talk about it, it will surely help everyone in the room.
I do have a sponsor but she does not answer my calls nor return them, therefore: time for a new sponsor. Regardless, I didn't call her last night.
I'm extrordinarily disappointed in myself. I've been in tears most of the morning, I feel like such a failure. On the other hand, I do know what meeting I'm going to tonight, and tomorrow & the next day, all I can do is pick myself up and move forward.
Sheesh, some sponsor.
I have read on this forum time and again the devastation people feel upon relapse. But in your response you seem resolved to get back to the meetings immediately and determined to not let it happen again.
As someone attempting my way down this path for the first time, shouldn't anger at self be the default response (followed hopefully by some modicum forgiveness), and a strengthened resolve not to let it happen again? In other words isn't it possible to come out stronger from last night?
I may be way off base of course but you seem determined to get back on that wagon before it gets worse. I suppose part of it is that there seems to be a genuine pride that one takes from days sober, and your counter was reset.
Steve, Thank you for the honesty and your share. Yup, been there- done that- was probably on the t-shirt. It happens man... you drank because your an alcoholic. That's what we do.. It's nice to see you back before you accumulated anymore wreckage. Some don't make it back. Your right on... put the bat away.. get back in the saddle and ride the journey of recovery. I had to have all my slips for me to get to where I'm at now. Anything less and I don't know where I'd be. My slips brought me to be willing to accept that I was an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanagable. It also gave me the willingness to take action. Take action my friend- hit your program with a new vengeance.
Thanks to you guys, all of you guys. I love this board.
Went to a meeting today, though didn't share. Spoke to my sponsor. He was good and said that it's good I know how dangerous these thoughts are and to keep working the program and to speak with him. Gotta say, have been feeling really hungover all day. I guess that being away from the booze means that my body is telling me that it really doesn't want that crap in me anymore. I hope that I listen to it.
The strange thing, I'd thought that I'd been in good touch with my HP, even as I went into the pub, I was saying "thy will not mine be done." I'd even been repeating Step 1 in my head.
So, to answer one of ljc's excellent questions, I guess deep down, waay down, I was not sure that I'm an alcoholic. All the evidence was there, I guess that I just needed this bit of extra pain to remind me.
At the risk of sounding boring, I guess that I had that first drink in me for a bit of the day. I'd cycled up to the train station (I go through periods of being scared of driving, in case I get into an accident or in trouble -- whole different story). The weather's cold and wet and I guess that I just didn't feel like coming back in the dark, wet. So, heck, why not just a couple at the pub? I'm not one of those guys who has to slug back a bottle of vodka, etc. So, I go in, relax and read the paper and have two Stellas. Then I knew I had to leave, but couldn't find my headlight for my bike. So, I figure that it would be clever to have another pint of Stella and call a cab. Did that, got the cab and then had a bottle of Stella at home.
Felt like hell this AM. Even had a hint of dry heave.
My wife just said "It's just such a shame, what a waste".
So, all I can do, all I can do, is not take that first drink and get to a meeting and start to work the steps again.
Best to all of you guys. With your help and the Grace of my HP, I have not had that 1st drink today.
Thank you for this thread! I had a horrible spree last week which capped off 6 months of daily drinking. I'm 6 days sober today and am just barely making it. Good on you for not letting those 4 drinks turn into 4 months, or 4 years. And like some have said, except for my first "official" relapse from the program a year and a half ago, all of my subsequent relapses have not happened because I forgot about my powerlessness, they happened because I just didn't care and was tired of debating whether or not I should or wanted to drink. Hope you have a serene afternoon and evening!
Thank you for this thread! I had a horrible spree last week which capped off 6 months of daily drinking. I'm 6 days sober today and am just barely making it. Good on you for not letting those 4 drinks turn into 4 months, or 4 years. And like some have said, except for my first "official" relapse from the program a year and a half ago, all of my subsequent relapses have not happened because I forgot about my powerlessness, they happened because I just didn't care and was tired of debating whether or not I should or wanted to drink. Hope you have a serene afternoon and evening!
Thanks Dods. Well done on 6 days. That's 6 days more than me (not that it's a race) and I've just had one whoop-ass lesson in cunning, baffling, powerful.
Yes, I guess maybe that's what was underlying my own thinking. Maybe I just didn't care anymore and yeah, maybe I just didn't want to fight it any more. Maybe this can be my surrender!
Yes, I know that whoop ass lesson in baffling, cunning, terrible disease, the one that convinces you that you don't possible have it, well we do and its tough going, well done for getting back so quick, and for such a helpful post, though I'd rather not see you risk your sobriety,
"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing." -- ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 30
The miracle is that we stay sober at all. When slips occur after days or years of sobriety, our egos punish us. Remember that it's one day at a time-- so whoever got up earliest this morning has the most sobriety.
I had almost 2 weeks sober, but slipped majorly last night and this morning. I guess I just got angry that I was trying so hard and my significant other just didn't care. Yes, I know it's an excuse. But when you're living it, it sucks. Back in the saddle for me too.
Again....I agree with Dean (common statement from me) I started having service obligations at 5 months sober and often times it is what kept me going to meetings. Just recently on vacation, it did hit me that I couldn't drink or I would lose my secretary position at the first meeting I ever went to at the clubhouse. While that position does not make me oh so special, I did earn it through staying sober and it is a responsibility that I take seriously. So, Steve, I strayed from meetings for a week and I feel crazy and uncentered and that is at 14 months sober. I didn't drink, but called my sponsor the first chance I got, as well as a bunch of other people in the fellowship... I sent out a "Happy thanksgiving" text message blast to like 12 people and was reminded how loving and supportive AA is as I watched the responses come back in. Just put as much as you can into AA and that is what you will get out. I can only tell you this based on my experience. Also, I keep "don't drink no matter what" as a saying. I may be messing up and bumbling in other areas of my life, but the only things that I can choose to remain a constant are my sobriety and my relationship with God. I relapsed plenty before AA...It took soooo much pain for me just to get into that seat. Neither you or I need repeated doses of that specific type of pain to not drink. In any case, so glad you are right back up and determined Steve! You are an awesome contributor to this board so keep on learning and trying. The only real failure in AA is to just stop coming back (that is what I've heard from someone with 28 years sober at least).
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am sure you have heard SLIP=Soberity Lost Its Priority
I have to remind myself everyday that the most important thing in my life today is not drinking and doing drugs. For me that means remembering both the powerless and the unmanageable of step 1. My last relapse was from forgetting the second piece of step 1 and not keeping myself out of bad situations.
I am so glad to hear that people are coming back right away. I think that ups our chances of "getting it" and lessens the chances of digging a new bottom.
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<3 <3 Stephanie <3 <3 "What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things."
