Well god has a sense of humor and does things for me that I'm not capable of doing on my own. Good thing.... Have been doing well and maintaining my spiritual condition on a daily basis by doing the work as it's laid out in the BB and AA.
Woke up this morning got down on my knees and prayed- turning my will and life over to the care of god. Also, spent a few moments go over step 10 & 11 in my head getting ready for the day and sat quietly for a few moments. Good start I thought....
My wife leaves tomorrow for Colorado to visit a friend. I stay home with the kids. On my way to work I thought tomorrow(Friday) would be a good day to take a 1/2 day off and get some things done around the house? Good so far.. right?
Then out of the blue fear struck me... my diesase reared(sp?) it's ugly head. Wifes away, Friday, 1/2 day- good day to drink.. This was exactly my pattern many times in the past. I thought WTF? Where did this come from??? I'm supposed to be well... right? I was struck with fear- should I tell my wife? She's going to think I'm going to drink... I feared I was going to drink if I took that 1/2 day... I'm still sick... Well for me it's means there's a difference between well and CURED. Well, means I have more good days than bad. The bad days turn into bad moments not all day. The obsession to drink has been lifted but I'm still an alcoholic and will have fleeting thoughts of a drink. That's what we do..... Fear being my primary character defect is still there and can be activated at any time.
Good reminder today from god that I'm still an alcoholic and need to continue to do the work to get the results. I prayed and asked god for assistance and a thought or an action- then I let it go.... Gave it some time. It passed..... but there's still the after shock that's slowly dissipating. I'm writing this now. Cunning, baffling & powerful......
The humility piece of this is: I was fearful to write this? After all, I should be healthier than this? Right?? Wrong... That's my head talking. Self centered fear, fear of being judged? Fear that I still have issues? So I walk through fear today and write this out with the hope of taking some of the power away from it. Thank God... I needed that.. Don't want to get to comfortable.
Thanks Mike for the post it reminded me of that place I arrived at in the program and I am more than just an alcoholic or only an alcoholic...I can work with what works and do other stuff than just drink. That was an explosive awareness which led me to how power our disease and addiction is. At one time drinking was the most powerful activity in my life...It owned me and made my choices for me. Not so today...learning how to be humble or teachable has changed that alot.
Thanks Mike for sharing. Honesty is huge in trying to get ourselves healthy. Seems for me no matter what it is Im thinking about and if its bothering me , I had better be willing to share it with somebody.
Im an alcoholic and occasionally I do have the thought of drinking. I havent had a drink in almost 5 yrs. The compulsion and obsession to drink are gone. But I still have a brain and my brain thinks about things. Im human, its natural and normal for me to think about drinking every now and then. Just cuz I got sober certainly doesn't mean Im never gonna think about drinking again.
I'll be a little honest here .... There are days I miss drinking. I like that stuff, I liked that feeling of comfort and ease that came with drinking . The feeling that ... yeah, Im right, they are wrong, the feeling that its all gonna be okay. The carelessness of having one to many and not having any fear of anything. I use to like that feeling of being around my so called friends at the bar and talking over the days events, or solving the worlds problems. I enjoyed that 'wooziness' that came after 1/2 dozen drinks and made me a little tipsy , or allowed me the cocktail courage I thougtht I needed. I liked being able to cry in my beer, hoping that somebody would feel sorry for me.
I liked all of this. Until ... I realized feeling this way was gonna kill me.
Hey Mike, The good news is that what you went through is normal! It happens to all of us. I should know this, but how long have you been in AA? The reason I ask is if it has been a fairly short time like a year or so, it does whack you in the head when you have done so well for so long and then out of nowhere comes the compulsion that comes on to you with the attitude that you never should have quit! It is frightening, but the more of those you prevail through the more normal they become and therefore less frightening. Sounds like my post the other day! Thanks for the excellent post! Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Thursday 12th of November 2009 06:50:23 PM
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Thank you all for the fellowship. I'm glad I have friends that share a common problem and a common solution. A group that I feel comfortable sharing in front of and not feeling judged but accepted and loved.
Thank you all for you honesty. It's always comforting to me knowing that I'm not alone in this. Tom- I have 19 months of continuous sobriety. Your right, I have to realize this is normal. Today, it comes down to how I react to it.
Hey Mike, thanks for a great share. It gives me comfort to know that folks like you with good sobriety still have those kinds of thoughts but are able to get through them without having a drink.
I'm in early sobriety and my disease still tries to sneak up on me. Just today I was thinking about some writers that I really admire how they used to love to have some wine with their friends or some beers in the West End of London as they talked about their work. And then my head starts to tell me that I do that, then maybe I can become successful writers like them and my life will be wonderful and makes me want to resent AA for giving me a glum life. lol, how sick, etc.
Your example of how you've gotten through those thoughts using the BB suggestions has helped this recovering alcoholic. Thanks man!
