(Note, this was also cross-posted on the Al-Anon board but I wanted the input from AA members as well, many thanks)
Hi there,
What is the etiquette when an extended family member brings a sig other who abuses alcohol to a holiday meal where alcohol will be served?
My daughter's husband's brother's gf has a problem with alcohol abuse (and we think pills, too) and they are coming over for Christmas dinner. We're having around 20 family members/friends and we have for many years now served champagne before dinner and various wines to pair with the meal itself. Most of us are foodies/chefs/winemakers and really into collecting wines, etc., so holidays are a chance for us all to show off and enjoy tasting others' favorite wines paired with various foods, etc.
Her work insisted she go to rehab a month ago or lose her job so she went in against her will but stayed only a week because she couldn't handle it. She claims she is no longer drinking but I don't know if she can be believed. I don't know if she is attending AA or NA meetings or not; I really don't know her very well; I'm only hearing this through my daughter whose husband talks to his brother on the phone.
So what to do? I want to be supportive but I can't help but agree with the others coming who have said it's kinda punishing the people who don't have a problem to not serve alcohol because of one person. Someone else brought up that if a vegetarian was coming would we not still serve turkey?
But I also feel for her and I want to be helpful. I'm afraid that if we do serve alcohol, she'll insist on having some and it would be our fault.
Or do I have the guts the say she cannot have any? Should I do that? And is it fair that we are pouring wine when she shouldn't have it?
I'm not sure what to do. We don't have anyone in our family/friend group who has a problem with alcohol.
Hello Amber and welcome to our board. This really is an Alanon question. For the Girl with the problem, the best thing for her would be to not attend. If it were me, I'd drop a hint to your daughter (to pass along) that there will be a lot of alcohol being served and that it might be a good idea for the person at risk, to not attend. At the very least this would put her on notice that you're aware and care about her problem so if she did show up she might be less tempted to ask for a drink, and maybe she'll get a little tiffed and not come. It's all good as long as she doesn't drink right?
Dean
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 10th of November 2009 08:32:33 PM
Hi, Thanks for having the topic. Yes it can be a touchy one. I ran into that in my family for years, cousins and aunts and uncles. At our past family gatherings most everyone drank except those that were not of age and that was STRICTLY enforced.
Only exception was the Grasshoppers, (in a blender mint ice cream, vermouth, gin or peppermint schnepps measured) as it was not a really heavy alcohol content unless you had a few, this was usually served in a medium sized glass with a sprig of mint on top.
Well the christmas after I became sober my aunt was mixing them and serving and it came to me I Totally declined--she insisted that one would not bother me. I ended up cornering her in the kitchen and explained to her what I had learned.
Plus I had found out about the actions of other family members over the years. Others also had started to become sober especially after car or motorcycle accidents. So bit by bit if you wanted it, you had to bring your own.
If your family wants to stick by its convections then by all means do so, but keep a sharp on on those who have had problems in the past. If need be inform that it should not be allowed, especially in front of little ones.
Over the years now most of the family is all over the place and are snowbirds so we do not have the big gettogethers like we used to except for weddings, baby showers or funerals.
And there is hardly any drinking going on anymore.
Amber, It is very kind of you to be so concerned about this gal with the drinking problem.
However ,in my opinion, it is not your problem to cater to her problem . Go on with your Christmas festivities as planned. She needs to learn to deal with her own alcoholism.
Thank you so much for your replies! I apologize for cross-posting here and I hope I did not offend. If the mod wants to delete the topic, please do so.
The Al-Anon group echoed the advice you've given here; that it's not really up to me. However, Dean, I do like your suggestion as well. I think I will tell my daughter to let it be known that we will be having wine and we are concerned about her attending so soon after rehab.
I really have a lot of sympathy for her and for anyone struggling with this. I don't look down on her; I just want her to be happy and healthy, I want that for everyone. The only children attending will be two babies; 7 months and 5 months, too young to be aware of whether or not she is drinking. However, acting out aggressively is not tolerated here, under any circumstances, and if she becomes that way, she'll be sent home.
Please, no apologies needed! I agree that this is a better topic for Alanon than here, but I must commend you on your concern for this person, for a son-in-law's brother's girlfriend. You've got a big heart.
I have an opinion. The sharing of drink in festivals is as old as drink itself. A wine-tasting as part of your Holiday sounds fantastic! A year ago I would have been all over that! And then all over the liquor cabinet, and the beer cooler and finally the sofa or back seat of my car.
As the host, you have the right to "cut someone off" when they become a problem, or tell the son-in-law's brother that if she gets outta hand he'll have to escort her out. Your festival is your festival. You're Normal; enjoy it and have fun!
You need not cater to her problems, but your concern and consideration for her is beautiful.
