This is a thread to express your thoughts and feelings for a number of reasons or no reason at all. It could help you to put them down, so as to have a better look at them, now or in the future. It could help others to identify (validate) with theirs. This can also be insightful or humorous (in good taste, of course). Being silly is certainly encouraged and would probably be the basis for most "Random thoughts". Please refrain from commenting about others thoughts (in order to keep it a safe place to share) except for quoting and sharing about how that relates to your thoughts, or to acknowledge humor such as or a
Ok I'll start.
I know that there is something that I should be doing today, I'm just having trouble defining the word "Do"
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 4th of November 2009 07:36:02 PM
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 30th of November 2009 05:55:54 AM
Me too! I am studying for some annual testing and it is going but going sloooowww! This is the annual testing that "got" me 2 years ago and I slipped (got drunk) simply because I wanted to escape the pressure!!! Anyhow, I have only had one "self test temptation" the whole time, and it was easily fended off because I have been maintaining my 12 steps and allowing my HP to take away the desires. I am on target with the study schedule, and I am glad to be sober. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I feel like a little kid today, but unlike Frankenstein, I'm not gonna drop it in a well. The little kid is me, and I'm gonna take him to the playground.
As many of you know, we are facing home foreclosure and have other stresses going on, too. Today, my wife and I started trying to clear out some of the mess that is our cluttered house. My god, it's a wreck! This is going to be harder than we thought. We are both somewhat messy (especially during my relapse) and we've accumulated lots of junk that we don't really need. Cindy, poor thing, is disabled with terrible back problems and can't do much. I have no excuse other than depression; it's hard to get motivated. The task is overwhelming. I was so distracted this morning that I lost track of time and missed my regular noon meeting. I thought "Well, I'll go to the 8pm meeting" but then remembered that there is no 8pm meeting on Wed. nights! Damn! I could drive to the meeting in Sevierville (15 miles away), but my license is revoked and driving at night makes me especially nervous.
By the grace of God I don't have a desire to drink, but I am emotionally disturbed. Tomorrow I will set an alarm clock to remind me of the meeting. I know from past experience that I cannot go for 48 hours without a meeting this early in recovery.
Thanks for letting me share. I feel a little better already.
I have choices today. I need to takes some steps to get licensed as a therapist...as of now I have to work under other licensed people and it makes no sense to put it off as I have the last 10 years. I can turn all my Ph.D. credits to a master's level license LMHC. I need to get off the pot cuz I do deserve it and I need to stop boohooing and punishing myself for not finishing my Ph.D. (and yes..it is too late to go back and finish it...I checked that option). Otherwise...no desire for a drink today...Have been trying to help my friend get into the rooms cuz she was the one I stayed with in my first 30 days and a long long time friend(although she has an addiction other than alcohol) but I am giving up on that. When I was ready, I was ready and nobody should need so much convincing right?
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I woke up this morning thinking about all the things I needed to do today. "I need to ...., I should ..., and if I don't ...." Then, comes the news--One of us, after a good amount of time, has picked up a drink. This news changed my train of thought. "The only thing I have to do today is not pick up a drink."
-- Edited by Jane05 on Thursday 5th of November 2009 08:21:50 AM
random thoughts right now - why did I buy an italian motorbike. I can't get spares off the shelf for it. Why doesn't work run smoothly, it's sh!t or bust all the time. why do I have to have a training plan. is the training plan I've just written any good. why do i smoke so much when under pressure. I decided NOT to go to the remembrance service on Sunday. paulo Nutinin is starting to get on my nerves now. Chris Rea is good, makes simple blues riffs and slide so challenging, he had pancreatitis, wonder if he's one of us? I miss my cat. I'd like a dog. I miss my family. I love my family. Life is better now than it was a bit ago. I want to write my amends to my son, but don't know where to start (Fear) I've got high cholesterol - bugger! back to work (after I've finished reading therest of the posts on this forum)
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
This helped me a lot when I was doing my 4th & 5th Steps. See, I had no problem seeing my defects-- my problem was seeing them all too clearly and beating myself up all the time. Then I saw this little piece from Steps to Hope by Joyce M. Shutt, a Mennonite pastor:
"This breakdown of sins into fears helped me to understand myself and my own reactions: Pride is a fear of the truth. Greed is a fear of being in need. Lust is a fear of rejection. Anger is a fear of being hurt, disappointed, etc. Gluttony is a fear of being in want. Envy is a fear of accepting ourselves as we are. Sloth is a fear of responsibility."
(emphasis mine)
The idea that all of my character defects were based in fear made a lot of sense to me. I knew that I'd always been full of fear. I was also somewhat relieved to realize that I was not evil, but merely afraid.
I have heard of many alkies who begin 'the search for the inner child'
I don't need to do this, I know the inner child VERY WELL - for ME, I need to search for the inner adult!!!
omg, that's exactly what I told my mother she needed to do last year Her inner child runs the whole show, maturity stopped somewhere around 10 years old. On the other hand, I'm probably her father reincarnated, as he died about 18 months before I was born.
Went to an Eat & Speak meeting tonight and it was great! The food was yummy, the speaker was insightful, funny, and inspiring, and the socializing before & after the meeting was delightful.
It's been years since I had such fun! I'm mostly a loner, but tonight my fear of people left me.
Wow Avril...I made that same statement in a meeting not too long ago. That was in combination with taming my "outer child." I can't spend too much time healing my "inner child." It doesn't benefit me to see myself as damaged goods any more and I already do that too much. Another random thought.
Oh yeah...I'm watching Brady Bunch reruns right now. I decided my inner child is Jan...lol. It's always marsha marsha marsha!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 7th of November 2009 10:56:53 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
My better half and I are driving to Chattanooga today. I look forward to seeing my Mom, but even at 50 yrs old, I feel like a kid when I'm with her. Also, I went to high school in Chattanooga, so the whole town kinda makes me feel like a kid again-- not in a good way, but in a pimply insecure teenager way.
I'll miss my regular noon meeting and might miss the 8pm meeting as well. This makes me a little uneasy. Not that I'll drink or even want to, but because I've come to really love the meetings and depend on them for support. I'll be out of sorts from the trip anyway.
Jasper, I feel exactly the same way when I visit Mom and the old stomping grounds. Quite honestly it gets me depressed after a day or so. I try and limit how much time I spend there and hit meetings daily. What's nice about where I currently live is that I have no drinking/druging history here. I think that I'll keep it that way.
This one comes with cobwebs, weather checked surface and memories which still light the corner of my mind. Thanksgiving the second edition...hmmmm leftovers!! I am in compulsive eat mode at the moment which tonight included 2 (not one) pieces of pumpkin pie. I don't prefer pumpkin pie but then...when compulsions arrive it's only about fulfilling the perceived need right? So investigating that bit of evidence how did this random thought (unentertained random thought) arrive at the refrigerator door? "I wonder how this would go with a beer?" Considering some of the other random drinking thoughts and dreams in the last 60 days I'd say the tiger maybe awake and pacing it's cage inspite of almost daily meetings and program works.
I'm open to any and all feedback from the family especially regarding what was it like, what happened, what did you think, dream, feel, see....experienced a time before you relapsed? The student is ready. Gratitude in advance. (((hugs)))
Jerry, I haven't relapsed thank god, 6 months on Mon., but I'm up and feel much empathy for you. However, I am on my 3rd round of dessert leftovers, if I eat the thing I was planning to after leaving MIP to rest. I am making sure right now to remind myself that I am an alcoholic, and exactly what that means. I'm sending prayers out to the cosmic consciousness for all us alkies and will keep all this in mind if my husbands beer in the fridge starts to radiate some wacky fake diamond energy. Hope this helps. When I imagine myself relapsing I feel myself wrapping a mental "F@#$ IT" cloak, and then drinking whatever I can get my hands on the fastest. My disease would want to wrap that cloak tight enough so I'd have time to get my hands on massive amounts of booze. Scarry thought. In advance, I know I need to protect myself in states of depression. If they spiral into despair and I forget to or abandon connection with my Hp, or anyone else, then I feel my disease might try to pull that cloak out and get me to put it on.
Love and Hugs, Angela
PS was watching a show on travel channel on visiting Big island. I was thinking of looking into tickets. Any thing Hawaii sometimes causes me think of you. We need a vacation so badly, but the idea of it scares me because usually a get away meant free to drink to get away from it all. I was thinking which island you live on, I'll look after this. I bet you could help with meetings. Big Island was wonderful, and the show made me feel like there would still many active things we could do and relax, me with out the booze. (I'm thinking that Hawaii vs. somewhere like Europe, which has always been one pub after another for me.) I had the best hot pork sandwich in Pahoa, I even wrote a postcard to the folks that ran the takeout place. See, food on the brain. Don't really have any money, so here's to dreaming good dreams.
Jerry , Not to make light of your nagging thoughts and feelings yet I do not think beer and pumpkin pie would go well together. I do trust "" THIS TO SHALL PASS ""
It could help you to put them down, so as to have a better look at them, now or in the future. It could help others to identify (validate) with theirs. This can also be insightful or humorous (in good taste, of course). Being silly is certainly encouraged and would probably be the basis for most "Random thoughts". 
Please refrain from commenting about others thoughts (in order to keep it a safe place to share) except for quoting and sharing about how that relates to your thoughts, or to acknowledge humor such as 
or a 
