I have really been reflecting on my decision to give up drinking. As I stated in my previous post, I'm not a frequent drinker, but I drink all to much when I do. It's been a strange feeling knowing this is a lifelong battle and that I will never be able to drink under control. I almost feel as if I am saying goodbye to a part of me. While I undoubtedly am doing the right thing by doing so, there were also many good times that were associated with "the drink" I do understand that the potential for severe consequences make this a no brainer and I am definitely not contemplating drinking. I just wondered if initially any of you felt as if you are giving up on a part of yourselves or saying goodbye to that part?? It's a strange thing for me to see a waitress giving someone a beer at dinner time and realzing that can no longer be on my menu. This is just some of what's weighing on me today....
When I was in a Recovery Home, this topic came up by a couselor at this Recovery Home, she suggested strongly that we sit and write a letter, a Grief Letter, and mine included saying good-bye to a very beloved friend that had served me well for many years, (my thinking then), but then one day that trusted friend, turned on me and was my enemy, and I had no choice, I had to SAY, Good Bye, and turn away from and never return to that (so called friend). I recall this Grief Letter being of great help in seeing our true enemy, face to face, and knowing you enemy is very important if we are going to going into battle, right?? I say that, because in the first years, it was an uphill battle, never easy, but always very Possible, with what the AA Program suggested..... it works if you work it.
Maybe writing out such a letter might help you with these confusions, for it certainly was something, Alcohol, that had become such a part of us, but now had to go, and hopefully and with God's Help, never return.
Just a little metaphor or sorts, I had an Uncle that had this great dog, he was cherished by the whole family everyone adored this Boxer. Then one day this same dog began attacking one of the children, and seriously, and so without any discussion or thinking about it too much that simply had to take the Dog to the Doc, and have him put to sleep. My newphew turned out completely ok, it took a while, but he had been bitten very serverely. This little story sort of sums up to me, how Alcohol can turn on us, attack us, and needs to be put to sleep. Awe, here comes the Rooms of AA, and the 12 Steps of Recovery, as the way out of the fear of it returning, in this little - 24 hour a Day Program.
Thanks so much for that. This really does help to understand why I'm feeling as I do the last few days. Being able to put my feelings in perspective really helps. While you used the friend reference I can equate it to a relationship gone bad. While I still had a lot of love for this woman, I knew in my heart she was the wrong path to take considering the type of life I want for myself. I know alcohol is the same way for me. I have a lot of love for many of the "drinking activities" and even my "drinking buddies" I know though, who I want to be and the life I want to live and I know that no matter how much I miss some of these things, the two just don't coexist. At the end of the day I know the true friends in my life will be happier to see me happier with me sober and happy as opposed to a lowly drunk fighting for his life. Thanks for your support!
Yes I had the same feelings and they kept coming back for a long while, until I realised I was grieving for a lost love. But I eventually saw it was a love that turned on me. I could never get back the early rosy glow days. It has to go!
Even now I catch myself thinking wouldn't it be great if I could..... then I play the video right to the end and know where it leaves me.
Now I can remember that I haven't given up an old friend, I've divorced a bitter enemy.
What have I given up now? Well I've given up not being able to work in the afternoons, being arrogant, aggresive, argumentative, bullying, beastly, confrontational, conniving, deceitful, dubiously moralled, extreme, envious, feckless, fearful, grandiose, grumpy, hateful, hungover, headaches, illogical, ill advised and ILL, judgemental, kicking things, manic, morbid and miserable, neurotic, noisome, obsesssive, obscene, paranoid, quick tempered, ranting and raving, sick, stupid and senseless, tiresome, tired out, unhappy, volatile, vomiting, willful, x rated and I can't think of the Z but there will be one.
Still a bit of a smart ass though!
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Welcome to the board. I think it is good that you decided to give up drinking. I am sure you will find this board to be very helpful. Go to meetings and surround yourself with people who don't drink. Follow the twelve steps and give in to your higher power.
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You have to live life to the fullest because you don't know what you got till it's gone.
Aloha Braggheim...I relate from just a slightly different angle...Drinking and what I drank and how I drank was a big part of my identity. I was defined by events and labels and I took every opportunity to build that identity. I drank too many special wines, beers and hard liquor to be alcoholic. But then when I got here I needed a special kind of surgery to cut away that part of me which had been nourished by alcohol. I was too sick by that time to fear the pain of surgery so I finally went for it. I didn't know who or what I would become but the examples in the rooms of recovery were not so unacceptable that I would not try. I knew about the temporariness of life and was willing to try for the first 90 days and then more until I found myself a better and more acceptable person than when I first crawled thru the doors of recovery. Also most importantly I could identify my HP in the mirror when I looked back at myself. What is gone is now not missed by any stretch of the imagination or memory. What is now is more desireable.
I've said my goodbyes and am free.
There was a time and might be again when the disease would have me consider a touch and an embrace for old times sake. There was a period during my recovery where I could not order a "Crystal Lite" or "Perrier" with a twist within the first three passes by the waitress...the reason? If I tried to speak what wanted to come out was, "Tangueray on the rocks with an olive and an onion." "Tangueray with a salad side." Free at last, Free at last, Thank God I'm _________.
I used the same metaphor, Braggheim. Sure, I missed her, but it was an abusive psycho relationship. I thought I was using it, but it was using me. Yeah, I miss her embrace and the "good" times, but she was a sociopathic monster and I'm glad I grew a pair and left her.
What she filled was a god-shaped hole in my soul and now the healing starts.
We all felt like that. Giving up our alcohol is like losing a girl/boy friend. John Bradshaw's definition of an addiction explains this pretty well "An addiction is a pathological relationship (love to/have to) to a mood altering substance or event that has life damaging consequences. There is a lot of research into addictions as far as brain chemistry goes, going on right now. It definitely causes alcoholic's brains to release dopamine (an opiate) and works through the "reward system" of the brain and bonds to synapses which connects the drinking to pleasurable memories ect... Many of us did have some great times while we were drinking, unfortunately drinking influenced the way we felt about those "times" and the way we remembered is our "perception" which often times is inaccurate. Even if those memories were accurate the bottom line is that our drinking has progress into a more serious level and we can not drink safely any longer. We can't go back to the way it was and it is likely to get worse as this is a progressive disease. That is real and we can't compare those realities to our "perception" of the way it used to be. You'll have to work through this detachment/grieving from you "best friend" and in time it will mean less and less. I heard in early sobriety about people that prayed for the obsession to be removed. I did this every day and right about when I hit 6 months sober and completed my 5th step, the obsession was removed and hasn't come back for quite some time now.
When I came in, I was fresh off a car crash, in a miserable relationship with another alcoholic who had just come back from the mental ward. I was cheating on him and too scared to break up and start life on my own as a responsible adult. I was just brutally shocked at what alcohol had done to me on every single level. I did not shower every day. I did not care how I looked or what affect I was having on others in any way. I had no self and literally felt like an empty shell of a person. So...I am going to go a little different with this one and say that I did not feel much like I was saying goodbye to an old friend. I struggled with that one in the months leading up when I contemplated going to AA, called the hotline crying, and still did not go to meetings. Once that car crash hit, that was it for me...it was a moment of total fear that my life was over...the police would be on the way, I was going to go to jail, I would lose my job (which I would have as a substance abuse counselor in a jail...crazy, I know), the DUI I deserved was on the way. That utter horror in combination to the horrid months leading up to it had me thinking fully that alcohol was my enemy and I was just done. I have not really craved a drink since. I have felt cravings to just want to feel different...not feel what I feel, to just sleep...to chain smoke, to drink loads of coffee (those last 2 things are really next on my list to give up)...but I have not felt the urge to drink cuz it fucked up my life so bad and I let it happen. That's just how it went for me.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
If we didn't feel the way you described.... like we where giving up a part of ourselves, we wouldn't be alcoholic.
It wouldn't feel like I was losing much if I was told I needed to stop gambling or overeating for the rest of my life. I do both those things occasionally but they really are not that important to me.
Goodbye to alcohol, and you will now be able to say "Hello" to the "Real You".
The "You" the "World" and the "Relationships" you have been missing will open up to you if you embrace the AA program and lifestyle.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thank you all for sharing. It really helps knowing my feelings are relatively normal. Pinkchip, I commend you on the ability to sever the tie with alcohol without feeling a type of loss similar to mine. After my arrest, which was almost a year ago, I did not drink and would not drink for nearly 3 months. Then, I felt drinking at a friends house for the super bowl and staying there may be acceptable. What I did not see at the time was I had slowly opened the door for my problems to come rushing back to me. As the year has gone on I slowly started having shorter times of sobriety and drinking more and more on my benders... Over the last month I had 3 times when I had no plans of "partying" that ended up with me doing things I would never do sober and feeling terrible about it the next day. Listening to many of the stories and replies from all of you has helped me to see and understand this truly is something I have to fight daily to prevent relapsing. Thanks so much for your help and support! Braggheim
Like Pink, I had no grief when I said my goodbye. I was able to look back at what my so called "friend" did to me, and was filled with such a hatred (that I still have today) toward that part of me that I simply walked away with no regrets. I honestly can NEVER look back and remember any "good times" spent with my disease. When I fearlessly and honestly play the tape through to the end, there were never any good outcomes. Sure, I enjoyed a little "social interaction" with those around me who were also drinking, but that lasted very briefly, then it all went straight to hell, and fast. Waking up on the side of a road in a different town, jails, hospitals, psych wards...all consequences from the "fun" I thought I was having. I truly can't remember a time when drinking was ever any "fun" without dire consequences. When I was drunk (which in the end was 24/7 for 3 months for me) I never thought about the outcome, so I continued to drink my life away. Today I have enough clarity of thought (one of the MANY things that step 2 did for me) to remember what it was like, and remember my last bad drunk. Today I don't fear never being able to drink again, I fear drinking again, because if I do I will die. It's good to hear where your at, and I wish you many sober 24 hours ahead. The journey can be rough at times, but it's so worth the effort. Brian
Yesterday's response was to you and your feeling about your "grieving" feeling, but felt I needed to add a little something to it today.
When I went through that Recovery home, I believe I learned so much, but do have to say that in spite of all that I had learned, that did not stop my drinking, yes I did as suggested after leaving the Home, and attended the AA Meetings that were recommended, but then drifted away. I believe I was in the "sicker than others" catagory in retrospect, for I had a horrible fear of people, inside did not feel I could trust anyone, one to one stuff was bad enough, anxieties woud go off right away, but in a group setting, you could multiply that anxiety by 100 and come up with the trust issue being so intense, I did not feel ok with others in a group, so that led me back to my only option, the one that could be relied on to relief that anxiety, the alcohol. But the difference was clear, i did not think of it a a "friend" anymore, I really did understand that I had a very serious life threatening desease, and when I drank, I do so, knowing that, as a necessity. And sure enough, when i was unable to stop on my own, I fell into the "Grip" of Alcoholism, where the choice was gone, and the Disease was now in charge, I began drinking 24/7, and lost all that I had, family and friends, all gone, only a shell of a woman remained, a drunk 24/7 Blackout drinker. So I had to come back and add the truth to that picture I drew yesterday, that knowing something was not enough for me. Only by the Grace of God, on my planned 3rd suicide attempt did I truly surrender to a God that I did not understand, had always felt that the God that i knew when growing up really did not want anything to do with the likes of me. But even with that knowledge, I begged up to the sky, with a plea, God, please show me a different way. And the Miracle began at that moment. It certainly was not easy, body needed repair, body, mind and soul needed a complete over-haul, and now in spite of the fear of People, I did go, everyday, always, to a 600pm meeting, and ask God to help me get to the next one the next day, I did that for a year. and I was now on my way to living a new, brand new life.
Just felt like I left out my own story, and it did not end when I discovered who my enemy was, I did that battle with that enemy for over 7 years afterwards.
Don't know if this fits this Post, but had to say it anyway.
Braggheim, I do think it's important to state that you are working on arresting this before it gets to the point of complete devestation. You have had a couple of what we call the "Yets/Not Yets." But, you didn't progress to such a state of daily drinking, isolation, and zero hope (it sounds like). That is why for me, adding that car crash was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had almost no friends left due to my drinking. You haven't gotten there yet (yeah yet) and you don't want to get there. So I wouldn't say feeling the way Reffner and I do is a better option per say. I understand your feeling and why it is that way. I just wanted to say it's all the more reason to gut it out and stay sober so you don't have to go through the other losses and so forth that come later. Also..not getting to that point yet does not mean you aren't an alcoholic. It just means you are spotting it earlier and that's a good thing. Personally, I'm proud of the way you are listening and responding to us here. It shows maturity and willingness.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
