Hello everyone, I have not posted in a while but have been reading frequently and I guess just being silent and taking in all the great advice and also felling others pain. Tonight I am so agree with my boyfriend for coming home toasted ;yet again. It seems more frequent lately(not sure why) but I will find out tomorrow! He is not an alcoholic, and I probably should not be pissed after all the bull crap he put up with when I was a wreck but it does piss me off because he just can't shut up and leave me alone when he comes home like this. I just have to much to deal with right now enough as it is. I go to school,work(part time) and I have my son. I am certainly not concerned one bit about myself going back out but I cant be the only one who has dealt with this type of situation. I am not by any means saying he is a bad person, he loves me, he has taken care of me for 11 yrs and my son, and if not for him I could not do what I'm doing with my education right now. I guess I just needed to get this out of my head and could have written in my journal but have missed all the feed back from my posts. I know that we will discuss this tomorrow and all will probably be well but I hate it so much when he does this. I'm just frustrated and tired. Thanks for listening.
-Carla
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Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is!
Carla, you can't think that what you may do or say would have a sobering affect on him, but you can tell him about your feelings. If it was me, I'd tell him that when he drinks he becomes a different person and his personality changes so much that you hardly know him. Tell him that you miss the Real him when he's gone into his altered state and that you long very much for him to be himself because that is the guy that you fell in love with. This should really get to him because deep down alcoholics think, because of low self esteem, that they don't measure up to other people. This was particularly troubling when we start dating and along comes alcohol (liquid courage) to smooth that out. We think that it makes us everything that we're not and it becomes, we think, a neccessary part of us. When people tell us that they like/love the real us, it gives us pause and we realize that "not good enough" idea is a false perception and that what we thought was an asset is really a liability. Hope this helps.
My nonalcoholic hubby came home a couple of years ago, having gone out on an all-night bender. This is totally not like him at all. He saw how upset I was (not mad, just upset and saddened, shocked and a little scared of what he might become), and along with his throwing up for about 24 hours, he has not done this again. He has a couple of beers (yes, a couple, not like OUR "couple" of beers) every once in a great while, maybe once every 3 months, and does not get "drunk", just gets a bit silly (and sometimes annoying). Although I have NEVER had the urge to drink on any of these occasions, I can NEVER say that "I am not concerned one bit about my going back out", because I have to always remember who I am and what can happen to me if I get too cavalier about my disease.
If he does come home like that, how late is it? Why not just go to bed and say "I don't want to be bothered?" If he is not an alcoholic, he will respect your feelings about this, I am sure.
Take care, and I hope all goes well.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
That would be highly annoying to me. I guess you'll have to wait and see if it happens with such frequency that you can't stand it and it needs to be addressed in the form of "can you change this?" or you just bailing. Of course asking for a change in his behavior could be met with the "You are the one with the problem" response, but of course that's not true because he's in a relationship with you and to an extent, he needs to accept that being in a relationship with an alcoholic is his choice, it comes with his own set of acceptance terms regarding how he deals with you, and it is up to him to either be supportive or not. Not saying it will ever get to that point but just some things to ponder.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Yup, when he's sober (and hopefully in a good listening mood) tell him how he makes you feel when he is intoxicated. Not in a "fix it or else" manner but in a way that conveys that your feelings are important to you. It's a respect thing.
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
