I killed Lincoln

MDC · Senior Member

I killed Lincoln

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I think we all have that feeling like the world is crapping on me right now. I am sort of feeling that way too and nothing that bad has happened. All I can say Mark is that the longer you stay sober and stick with AA, the quicker you will work through these issues...whatever they are. That has proven true for me repeatedly over almost a year. Life doesn't get peachy, but you get slowly, slowly better at dealing with everything. Plus your fellow alcoholics do identify and will help pull you through the rough spots. Handing it over takes time and practice. It will all work out. The good news is that in AA, when stuff actually is your fault, you apologize, own it and that's all you can do. If a person doesn't accept your apology then what else can you do? Not worth kicking the crap out of yourself. Easier said than done though.

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Hmmmm - been there, most of my drinking life, been there in early sobriety too. Takes some learning and some practice to see that things happen without your input or influence. If someone is blaming you for things that happen to them, where does the issue lie?

As a direct result of my behaviour, my son and daughter don't have anything to do with me. Their continuation of this is their choice, not mine. It wasn't and isn't my responsibility that my daughter is in serious financial debt, that my son is rootless and dissatisfied, that my wife still shooses to live apart from me - that's not my business. All I can do is try to not cause harm on a daily basis, if I do I own it and resolve it and learn from it.

If I was still drinking and still engineering the chaos that affects others, then others would have a genuine grievance with me. I'm not drinking and not causing chaos, therefore anyone who has a grievance with me now is living in the past.

It's their resentments that are messing them up. Resentments are always taken, never given.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Are you sure you are not actually George Bush? EVERYTHING is his fault. I guess it could be worse! How about having all your troubles AND being a drunk? I happen to be angry at you because you caused this current economic crisis! Come on MDC! You need to fix this world and fix it now!
Honestly, this is why we do our quiet time. Again, a good tool is the 24 hr a day book:
A.A. Thought for the Day

Step Twelve is, "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs." Note that the basis of our effectiveness in carrying the message to others is the reality of our own spiritual awakening. If we have not changed, we cannot be used to change others. To keep this program, we must pass it on to others. We cannot hoard it for ourselves. We may lose it unless we give it away. It cannot flow into us and stop; it must continue to flow into us as it flows out to others. Am I always ready to give away what I have learned in A.A.?

Meditation for the Day

"Draw nigh unto God and He will draw nigh unto you." When you are faced with a problem beyond your strength, you must turn to God by an act of faith. It is that turning to God in each trying situation that you must cultivate. The turning may be one of glad thankfulness for God's grace in your life. Or your appeal to God may be a prayerful claiming of His strength to face a situation and finding that you have it when the time comes. Not only the power to face trials, but also the comfort and joy of God's nearness and companionship are yours for the asking.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may try to draw near to God each day in prayer. I pray that I may feel His nearness and His strength in my life.

I like the: " When you are faced with a problem beyond your strength, you must turn to God by an act of faith. It is that turning to God in each trying situation that you must cultivate. The turning may be one of glad thankfulness for God's grace in your life. Or your appeal to God may be a prayerful claiming of His strength to face a situation and finding that you have it when the time comes. Not only the power to face trials, but also the comfort and joy of God's nearness and companionship are yours for the asking."

Keep plugging Mark. You are doing great.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Mark...Metaphorically have you ever seen water beadup on a ducks back?
When they shake their wings they are perfectly dry.   Shake it off and when you
start to hear the voices picture this "quack!!"   Sometimes its all quack!!. Shake
it off.   (a real recovery lesson from the past. That always works when I work it.)

smile

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Hi Mark. Sorry to hear you are struggling with homefront issues, but glad you are reaching out. I wanted to mention that we can't have HIGH expectations of our family members, when we are first getting sober. Just because WE are trying hard, does not mean everyone else is going to always "act right and be nice". Expectations, expectations. An expectation is a resentment waiting to happen.

Fear comes in 2 forms- either fear of losing something you already have, or of not getting something you want. Sometimes that is as simple as "peace and quiet", or "for things to go my way today". Can't expect that anything is going to go our way, just have to be grateful when surprise, surprise, it does.

What has happened, Mark? Can you tell us? And what are others doing that has caused your upset?

MDC · Senior Member

jonijoni1 wrote:

Hi Mark. Sorry to hear you are struggling with homefront issues, but glad you are reaching out. I wanted to mention that we can't have HIGH expectations of our family members, when we are first getting sober. Just because WE are trying hard, does not mean everyone else is going to always "act right and be nice". Expectations, expectations. An expectation is a resentment waiting to happen.

Fear comes in 2 forms- either fear of losing something you already have, or of not getting something you want. Sometimes that is as simple as "peace and quiet", or "for things to go my way today". Can't expect that anything is going to go our way, just have to be grateful when surprise, surprise, it does.

What has happened, Mark? Can you tell us? And what are others doing that has caused your upset?

OK...A buyer at work failed to order parts (from China, can't get them anytime soon.) The company needs ME to program the parts on "my" machines, and have my guys run them. If I can't get the parts made, many assemblers will be out of work for several weeks. I have to put in 65+ hours a week to get this accomplished (I do get OT pay.) I drive 1 hour each way to and from work.

My family needs me to be home (I need time with them also.) They don't seem to understand what I'm up against. My wif went to work parttime, mainly to have something to do, but the money would be nice. She worked 11 days and quit. I thought that her having a job, would at the very least, help her appreciate me and the work I do.

My truck (with 280,000 miles) broke down. I have to drive my wife's for now. She is "stuck at home (she doesn't have a job to go to,) but EVERYDAY I have to hear about it.

I had an opportunity to mone into another position at work, I turned down the off because one of the women I would have to deal with would NOT help my relationship with my wife...2 days after I turned down the offer, the other woman turned in her notice, she's quitting. Now it's MY fault I didn't take the job...WTF???

Other than this, I guess life is good. I'm just a little stressed.

Mark

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mark,
Sorry to hear all that. What a set of circumstances! It is pretty obvious you need to knock out the order because of all the jobs. Plug away at that and keep the family on notice that its just for a short time. Is the truck in the shop? How bad is it? If it is too much, you might want to buy a beater to fill the gap until you can fix the truck, but with 280,000 miles you are looking at a diminishing return. Good on you for turning down the job for a good reason. You never know, but things happen for a reason! The Karma will come around. Keep plugging. This too will pass and you will be the better for the struggle. The guys at work know who is pulling their fat from the fire. Your wife knows that your job will fix the truck giving her back her car (even though she may not vocalize that) Hang in there!
Tom

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Wow, MD... definitely some trying times on your part. I could see from my own husband while I was back in college, that he was working his ass off to get us through and be comfortable.

I would sit down with your wife, and really be "the man" with this one, NOT fearing what her response or attitude would be. You might be surprised with her response. I would sit her down and say, "Listen. I work hard to provide for us all, and I really do not need any additional stress right now. If you are not willing to accept that I HAVE to be gone long hours working in order to provide for us, fix the vehicles, and take care of litttle financial emergencies when they come up, perhaps you are willing for us to live in poverty and with NO vehicles? I need some support right now, not backlash for working a lot. Would you please try to be more supportive of my work? I'd really appreciate it."

There is NOTHING wrong with standing up for yourself MD, even to your wife. You can't sit in silence, just waiting for the other shoe to drop in your marriage. You MUST stand up for your legitimate needs, and we all MUST learn to be assertive when neccesary. We did not get sober to be pressured and pushed around, nor manipulated by others' feelings. And when we take care of ourselves in this way, we level the playing field, where no one person "wears the pants", but both can learn to be partners and respect eachother's needs. It talks in the Big Book how often wives became the "boss" while the husband was getting drunk all the time, and for awhile when the man gets sober, they resist giving up the position. But in time, as you assert your self worth and ability to make some of the decisions again, you can become equals again, with time. The wives generally let go a little after they realize that you are competent now. (Same can go for those whose WIVES drank).

Regarding work, I like what Turninggrey had to say, you are where you're at now for a reason, and life is too short to be regretting decisions we made, when we really don't know for sure what the outcome would have been, had we done differently. Hang in there!! You have grown a lot in past months, and you can get through this!!!

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

"I killed Lincoln.. Yep...it was ME! Pearl harbour, ME! 9-11, you guessed it, Mark! Did you burn your supper? me...Lover leave you? Who else??? Mark Caldwell."

Mark, I know you're feeling quite a bit of pressure for the moment but I really loved your shrewd & wry humour here, I couldn't help laughing with your exaggerative tone. Really witty! I hope your humor has been helping you vent some steam here & there too. I hope you don't mind my seeing your funny side at a tiome like this but I am proud of you & I can see how much you've grown & continue to do so.

Thanks for sharing where you're at with us. We are doing this together, whatever it is, 1Day@aTime. Keep on trucking, my friend. With the right will, all this will pass & you'll get to see what the positives are as they come. Hang in there. Patience is a wonderful virtue & asking for support is a great help too. In regards to speaking with your wife, if you can keep talking from a place of love, she will hear you. Goodluck. Feeling for & praying for you too, Danielle x

jpmger · Member

I hear your pain about your daughters debt problems. You are pretty powerless about that but you could let her know about Debtors Anonymous which is a 12 Step Program for compulsive debt problems (Alcoholism does run in families, but some end up with related addictions instead of alcohol).

I would share it with her and then let it go. You can lead a horse to water (thats 12 Stepping) but you can't make it drink (thats the part that is in Gods hands).

I know it's not easy though, especially when it's your daughter.

Best, AW