Hi dear,

This board was developed for people just like you and I, people that cannot drink anymore, it is a process to get to that place.

the process starts with you looking up AA in your telephone book, and calling to find an Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting, and then going to that meeting.

Your Title, I am afraid, fear is the underlying emotion for all of us, when we cannot stop when we want to stop.

and we have a saying here, "When the cucumber has turned into a Pickle".......you cannot change back to a cucumber" many have tried a thousand different ways to control their drinking, and for most, it only get worse, never better.

So please stay here, and write all you want, anything can be said in an AA meeting, as well as this site, as it pertains to drinking, or not drinking.

Welcome, hope so much to see more of you.

We are just a little family here of people that at one time could not, not drink, but today, just one day at a time, we continue to not drink...this is a We Program all the way.

A Big Hug to you, and you definitely came to the right place.

Toni

sounds like me when I drank, mostly alone, mostly don't remember after the first 6 or so. You never have to feel like that again if you don't pick up the first drink, one day at a time. Get to some AA meetings, find the meeting schedule online and try and make a meeting daily for the first 90 days. That's what the successful beginners do.

Dean

Aloha Shadow...There are so many recovering alcoholics in NYC!!  There's almost
no way of not getting into a meeting of the fellowship and listening to others who
have your identical story.   I have part of that story also but then it's a bit more
expensive to come to meetings in Hilo HI from where you are.  I attend to keep
myself sober and to help others who want to do the same.   As has been said;
You are not alone and there is no law that says you have to drink like you do or
that you have to fell this way ever again.   Call the AA hotline and yell  HELP!!

Shadow, it's all good. You didn't wind up here by accident. You can still be a social person, and what's cool is your social network of really good friends will probably expand in AA if you are open and share your experiences, ask for help, and are open to receiving it there. The drinking at home and hiding it experience is not new for many of us. Yeah, that would be one measure of trying to control our drinking....Not letting anyone else see it and then it doesn't really exist as bad as it is. I did that for a long time and then tried to take my drinking out in public again...that is when I got a rude awakening that it had progressed way way way beyond normal. Even people at bars were calling me an alcoholic. The shame you are describing is not unusual, but it's not helpful to you except for the fact that it has you ready to start addressing the issue and seeking treatment. You don't have to feel ashamed anymore, you don't have to drink, and you don't have to be alone. 1 day at a time. Like Dean stated, 90 meetings in 90 days is the best place to start. Personally, I did over 90 in 90 cuz I didn't know what else to do with myself. I made new friends pretty fast and, as other people saw how hard I was trying, they reached out to me.

Good Morning Shadow,

I was re reading your Post this morning and a few things sort of popped out for me.

You mentioned that you were "afraid" and felt so worried about the person that you are "becoming".

And the second thing that popped out at me was your saying that you have read that this is a Disease that will tell you that you don't have a disease.

For so many of us we feel in the beginning that we are changing to someone we don't want to me, but it is not YOU that is changing at all, it is that you now have the symptoms of a life threatening Disease.  A Disease that has a definite progression to it, it will never improve, but it will continue to become more of what you are experiences right now, Alcoholics Anonymous are little rooms all over this country that are filled with people that CANNOT - NOT DRINK, but with the AA Program and the Steps, the Programs proven steps that will take you up and out of the Disease, one day at a time. 

Now I am going to ask you a rather retorical question, something that you might want to think about, when you said this is all so new, and you are not ready to do the AA Program right now - do you see any similarity to that statement and the observation of "You have a disease that will tell you that you do not have a Disease"  Just some food for thought.

I spent many years saying just that, I have a wonderful husband that understands that I have a drinking problem, and he wants to see if he can be the one to help me with this.
Of course I grabbed onto that idea, (knowing inside that it was all BS on my Part). But it was a way to not go to those meetings.  And so the progression was there, and it got very strong, and when he could see that his help was useless, in insisted that I attend AA meetings, so yes, I would go, and usually buy alcohol to hide in the closet, and drink later when he was busy, (he worked in our home, and love to work mosty late at nite). 

It was at that time that I began attending Newcomers Meetings, and I did that for over two years, raising my hand as a newcomer just about every friday nite.

I was one of those you might call "sicker than others" the disease of Alcoholism was really gaining ground and eventually I lost my own ability to not drink, ever, so the 24/7 hours a day began, that is when he finally left, and I was alone with my 80 proof brandy, getting it together in the morning, my only goal was to get to the Controlled Liqour Store, in the State of Washington, where we were now living.

I am just giving you a little glance at how that progression works, and today I can look back at the thousands of WINDOWS of opportunites I had to just get my ass to AA Meetings, and attempt to not drink, but my disease told me, I was different, and I believed the lie.

You live in an absolute fabulous city to find AA Meetings.

I am a woman that had Breast Cancer and went through Bilateral Mastectomy and Reconstruction, and I can tell you what Richard Burton, that also had both, said. He said Cancer is a Piece of Cake, compared to the Disease of Alcoholism.

So today without any more shame, I can say that I had two life threatening diseases, one that required surgery and a ton of positive thinking. (that surgery was 25 years ago) and the other disease that has been arrested, with the awesome help of the People in the rooms of AA, with my own Higher Power, that I choose to call God, and this disease is managed on a one day at a time basis. Working the steps. Almost 19 years ago now.

Just wanted to share some more with you today, this is a We Program, it always has and always will be.

Bless you dear in your stuggles and your fears.
Toni

So good to have you here sharing all of this with us.

Hi again Shadow, had to come back and make one more comment to something you wrote in one of your responses,  "I cannot believe I have done this to myself".  

Let me ask you something, if a Doctor told you after a blood test that you now had a disease that would need treatment to cure it,  would you say inside "I cannot believe I have done this to myself"  Sometimes in Life, things are simply out of our own Control, as example, when they found tiny cancer cells in my breasts, I never said for an instant, How did I do this to myself.

 One of the greatest gifts of this wonderful AA Program is learning to live one day at a time, "with Life being on Life's terms", never ours.

toodles, again...

 

-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 8th of September 2009 05:46:46 PM

I just wanted to let you know Shadow, that I did not just realize I needed AA and go to a meeting so simply.  I called the AA hotline twice crying and saying I wanted to die and yet I still did not go to meetings.  The drunken car crash I had was it for me and though I was petrified, I went.  I will share with you that I cried the whole meeting and when it was my turn to share, I could hardly speak.  Nobody knew it was my first meeting until I stated through sobs "My name is Mark and I am an alcoholic.  It took all my strength to come to this meeting.  I just crashed my car drunk, broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend.  I have no friends and I feel so empty."  That is exactly what I said and afterwards I was surrounded with love.  One of my good friends now who has 20 years sobriety gave me a huge hug and said "You are home now."  Others gave me phone numbers, directions to other meetings, a big book...  They were not just happy to do it, but very happy.  We are all human and we need each other...especially those of us who struggle with alcoholism.  Trying to manage it alone is not necessary.  There is an easier way.  But, it's for you to decide.  Just wanted to share that I came into AA in sobs and nobody judged me...so no need to worry.

Good Morning Shadow,

I read your note to me last nite, before turning off my computer, and I do have to say the feeling was very mutual.  For you to have now the courage to go into a store that sells Stella, (whatever that is, besides Marlon Brandon's Lover, haha!)
 and not purchase any Stella, just want to say that you also made my night. 

About being afraid, try to visualize every single person in any given AA Meeting, each and every one of those people walked into their "first AA meeting" with their knees knocking in Fear. So you are not alone in that, and also the fear almost alway leaves once you walk in, sit down, center yourself, and realize there are these faces that when you glance and them, and possible a person might be looking your way, by chance, someone, or many may offer a very warm welcoming smile, that usually take the fear away. You mentioned the word courage that others have, no one has any courage, or if you look at it as... courage from the standpoint as someone that has a lot of fear, and does something in spite of that fear. 

There is a Book by Gail Shehe, "Feal the Fear and do it Anyway!"  Great book, but I have to say the whole book is sumed up on the title of the book.

So amazing to me that you are now starting to see that those thoughts of partying it up, are just part of the Disease itself talking to you, and you feel that it is your thinking, yes, well it is, obviously, but it is the compulsion component of the Alcoholic mind, add the allergy to the body, and that sums up the definition of the Disease itself.  Once you ingest, your body needs more, that is the combination now of the Compulsion and the Allergy.

You live on one end of this country, and I live on the California Coast, I find it simply amazing that we are sharing stuff that feels like we are touching hands.  Awesome stuff.

Pink, or Mark I call him, is one of the true Miracles on this Board, (Mark, I hope it ok that I refer to you :).  He began his journey here with us, 11 days short of one year ago, and his story is one of best.  He grabbed onto to this AA program as if his life depended on it, because it did.

Shadow, the AA program begins with the 1st Step, "We admitted we were Powerless over Alcohol...........and that our Lives have become Unmanagable".  That is the step that has to be done almost to perfection, the remaining steps we do to the best of our ability, and we can repeat them several times.  But it is that admission that the Power of the Disease has more Power in it, than  we do over it, hence "We are Powerless over Alcohol."

I have said a Prayer that you will just take you fear with you, and walk through one the doors to an AA Meeting.  It is not easy Shadow, but it is POSSIBLE.

So good to see you here this Morning, and hope you will let us know how your day is progressing. 

Sending a big warm hug from California,

Toni

Many thanks to you Toni and Mark for your words. The thoughts kept on coming yesterday but I made it through. I awoke today and it is another challenging day but I'll get through this one too. Today I am going to pour out that huge bottle of Chiati in my kitchen. I am angry with the liquor. It is the enemy.

I was thinking this morning about how I've adjusted what I do based on my drinking. I was invited to see a friend who entertains at a club on Staten Island. Since that is a distance away I would have to drive there. I was conflicted about going because it would mean I might end up drinking and driving. So I declined and opted to see him when he is at a venue closer where I can use car service. Alcohol is infused in a lot of the decisions I make. I don't like it. I don't like the power it has over me, over my life. Right now I am appreciating the moments of clarity I have about my use of alcohol and fearing the moment of great confusion. I just need to know more. So far as getting to a meeting I know where I can go near where I live. I just have to wrap my mind around doing it. I just have this great fear of exposing a layer of myself I'd rather keep in the dark. Am I kidding myself? Is this false pride? Is this me hanging on to the last shred of supposed dignity at the risk of my life? These are random thoughts I am having. Questions that make me feel uncomfortable. And I think I am the only one that can provide the answers the questions beg, but I am not even sure about that. And so it goes...

Welcome to MIP, Shadow Dancer. Wishing you well on your way to loving face to face support in your A.A. meetings where you will indeed be met by others like us. Let a few know you're new & you'll be taken care of. It is an informal situation. There is a format the meeting will follow but it's ordinary people like me & you with a desire to stop drinking that will be speaking & there is no pressure for you to say anything but if you get there a little before & stay awhile after you'll be in a good position to make some more new friends like the ones you have here already on MIP. Keep coming back & share with us how it is with your experience, strength & hope. We do this together, Danielle x

Good Morning Shadow,

Just saw your note from yesterday, Day 4, so fantastic.  Probably sounds like nagging, but still Praying you will find the courage to walk into an AA Meeting.

There is a reason I am doing so.  You did state that the Drinking thoughts are still there, kind of to be expected.

There is a note in the AA Big Book about all Alcoholics, about that time when any Alcoholic will have NO Defense against the first Drink.  That is exactly what the AA rooms are there for, just one day at a time.  If you have read a lot on the board,
you have read the stories of Recoverying  Alcoholics that have many years, and then they had a day where their Spiritual Program of the Steps, the first one "We are Powerless over Alchohol, and that our Lives have become Unmanageable".

We work on this EVERY day, because it is a ONE DAY AT A TIME PROGRAM.

The Alcoholics Anonymous Book also states that if someone can do their Recovery without the AA Steps and Principles, Our Hats on off to them.

So it comes down to a choice. 

I experienced my Alcoholism, when I was very ernestly doing my AA Program as only a person that had no choices left, well there was one,  Ask for HELP, go to AA Meetings, or simply lose your life.  That was pretty simple.  But the point I was making it that I considered when I was in my first year, I was so aware of my own disease having the Power of a Raging Gorilla, and that Gorilla was not too happy that he was being put to sleep, I stayed sooo close to AA, and with a HP that I choose to call God, and the rooms of AA, that is where only with a Miracle did I not drink one day at a time. Today I am honoring my 19th year of continueous Sobriety, and I personnally do not believe I could have EVER done that on my own.  I had already mentioned my Relapse years, those were the years when I had thought many times I can do this.  Just don't drink.  It just never happened, the Power of this Disease had so much more power to it, that I had over it,  I simply did not get that.  

Just a brief recall of something when I was not willing to "Blow my Cover" so to speak, I had this Awesome Job at UCSF in San Francisco, and I was one of four that was chosen out of almost  two thousand applicants for this Job.  This is a very Hip community of Doctors and Teaching Facilitators, well the last think I wanted them to know was that everynite when I went home, I got drunk, woke up took one valium for my hangover  and I was good to go............So I thought, until 
4 of my Superivors, took me into there meeting room, and addressed my appearing to be very hungover for a long time.  I was busted.  I began thinking more about the AA Program, that they suggested, one that was in the Program for about 20 years.   It was one month later that my husband annonouced he wanted to move to Seattle, so I said "sure"  let's do that Geographic, for I can start over, and maybe stay sober too.  So with that we moved to Seattle, and I was moving from the Sunbelt of California to Mercer Island, across from the city of Seattle, and I looked up at dark grey skies for about a month, then I had I am sure a very serious Clinical depression, and did I stop drinking, no, I needed it now more that ever.

So sorry for going on and on, was just sharing how the Disease took me over.

And in Recovery, I began to see after about a Year, not onlygetting  back to having a life, but experiencing a Life for the first time ever.  When you are browsing the AA Big Book, look up "The Promises"  they really do come, over and over.  Free of that bondage of Self.  Also a great place to start might be "How it Works" that is read at the beginning of every meeting you will ever go to.

So Congrats on Day 4, not an easy task I am sure.

Hugs and hope you keep coming back here,

Toni  

 

-- Edited by Just Toni on Saturday 12th of September 2009 12:31:26 PM

Well I went to dinner. Wine was ordered. Amid my protests half a glass of wine was poured for me. We were at the restaurant an hour and a half and I did not touch a drop. We all came back to my house. Being a nice night we sat on the front porch to talk. They wanted more to drink. I brought down a bottle of Sambuca. They drank it lightly. I did not have a drop. Was it easy? Not really. I had to consciously decide each time to say no. To forego the glamorous image in my head of me having a gay time with a drink in my hand for the vision of me feeling sick, being sick, having a painfully damaged life. It is amazing to me that this can even be something I have to work out in my head to decide. It is what it is and I am still learning. But, I made it another day. For that I am humbly grateful.

Hi Shadow,

Read what Dean wrote and that is so true, if it was a matter of will power, we would not need meetings, the 12 steps, we could decide the Disease had to go and just to it ourselves. I have tried telling you where doing it "My way" took me.

On another note, Sambuca, that is not wine right, it is Greek Liqour a little over 80 proof, thats how I remember that name and WELL.  who knows maybe they have a wine now that is called Sambucca??

Keeping any and all alcohol in your house is not suggested.

Shadow, when I was telling you where the Disease took me, yes when the Disease was in control, you might call it a shattering of a life.  But we are suppose to be sharing with new people Our Experience Strengh and Hope. And my story is like so many many others, there is a saying that there are only about 16 stories, so every 16th person or so would have a story close to mine.  and for you too.
In the first 164 pages of the Alcoholics Anonymous Book, you will probably find a story that sound very similiar to you. A Part out of the Promises is "that we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it" very true.
 
I barely recall those years, I can speak about them without any really sad emotions, for it was just what it was.  I have lived so  many good years of being free of that Disease, and the life that I have had since that final surrendering to the Program of AA, and to my Higher Power that i choose to call God,  my life has been so blessed with so much love, and wonderful friends, and have had many wonderful adventures in my 19 years of continueous Sobriety,  I don't know if I could say that it has has  a bed of roses at times, but the good times always come back, and life goes on, and the most precious thing I have in my life today, with HIS HELP is a very peaceful life, I can trust the peaceful life, and the happy days come but are fleeting, but the peaceful times seem to stay so much longer.  I trust others, have for many many  years, and my friends and family now have complete trust in me.

You mentioned when you Posted the first time, this was all so very new to you, the Disease concept. And if you are in fact an Alcoholic, then it is in fact a Disease, and it is a disease that requires treatment. Just a one day at a time treatment.  Praying that you will try to just walk in and see what AA is about.

Hope you are doing ok today, just wanted to say hi to you.

Toni

-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 14th of September 2009 08:24:35 PM

Didn't mean to appear "over the top" about it, but it would be wise for you to consider alcohol to you, like cryptonite is to superman. Relapse comes very fast and it's mystifying how it happens. Remember that this disease if "cunning, baffling, and powerful". There are going to be those "friends" that will try and sabotage your sobriety because they don't want to lose a drinking buddy or they feel uncomfortable about their own drinking so they're seeking validation by getting you to drink with them. It's all so subtle till you relapse, and you're talking to a chronic relapsor (at least in the first two years). Treat your sobriety like Gold, don't leave it around just anywhere.

Dean

Dean, I appreciate what you have to say and I know this is a serious and insidious disease. I thank you for the reminder and for your insight. I am glad you said what you did about friends that sabotage...It's been on my mind. I know a couple people that I need to stay away from. People that would chide me for "making them drink alone" if we are socializing.
I have a tough road ahead. I just want to be healthy of mind, body, and spirit. The thoughts that invade my mind-- that it is OK to drink are illogical but I am getting that the disease drives the temptation. At least for today I didn't allow the temptation to win. I am happy about that.

Fast forward a few days...I didn't go to the shindig. I managed to stay away from liquor. I spent the weekend reading about addiction.

What I learned was that alcohol and other drugs kick up the level of dopamine, a pleasure inducing chemical, in the brain. It seems that prolonged use of drugs slows the natural production of dopamine and that over time to attain normal levels the drug becomes necessary. The addicted brain sends a message signaling an uncontrollable craving for the drug as strong as that for water, food, or sex, so that the need for a normal level of dopamine is fulfilled. Addicts that were interviewed even said that they used drugs to feel "normal"...and they said this without the benefit of scientific reasoning. They say that the inability to feel pleasure without the drug becomes the primary reason for relapse. This makes so much sense to me.

It helps me to understand the mechanics of how things work.

One thing that I found disturbing though was that there are few treatment facilities that offer comprehensive services (defined as treatment of the physical, social, marital, family, mental health, psychiatric, and the addiction) to addicts. The facilities that do exist are often unaffordable. The "experts" did praise A.A. as being a first person support resource that is free and accessible with a membership that requires only the desire to stop drinking.

So...I had a bit of a heady weekend. But it was a sober weekend. Yay!