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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Another realisation of how I've changed.....
Post Info TOPIC: Another realisation of how I've changed.....
bikerbill


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Another realisation of how I've changed.....
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....and I'm still changing.

At work we have a series of internal web forums, which are a lifesaver for people like me who work alone at home.

One of the topics has been wedding anniversaries and I mentioned that this year will be my 31st but that I've been separated for 3 years and 8 months.

one of the contributors came back with 3y8m - has it really been so long? How are things?

So I wrote that yes it has been that long but that I have and still am changing. That my now adult children do not want me in their life, but that is their choice and that if in the future should they want to re engage then I'll be receptive, but that I'm no longer hanging round waiting for them. I take an arms length interest in their lives but have no input to their lives.

as for Eileen (my wife) well the difference between our rates of change are small enough to make waiting for her to catch up productive, when she catches up though, I only emotionally hang around for long enough before moving on to the next right thing for me, I have more patience with people and try and sometimes succeed in being less judgemental.

Such a change from just about a year ago when my life was on hold completely and nearly 3 years ago when my life was like porridge in a hot pan, bubbling, spitting, catching fire and I was set in my own self made hell.

life now? It's like treacle in the sun, slowly flowing. Thanks to the help and support I've found in AA rooms, in AA friends, on this forum, with my sponsor, through working the steps, allowing the steps to work me, helping others, finding a higher power of my own understanding (which is basically there is one and it's not me.), learning to accept, listening to the small, still voice within me but not of me that gives me good advice, being able and willing to examine my fear and being able and willing to do something about it, knowing that today I am an alcoholic that doesn't drink one day at a time and that I have recovered from the hopeless condition of mind and body, recovered from the obsession but knowing that I will always have the physical phenomenon of cravng should I take the first drink. Knowing that alcohol won't make things better, it just makes things go away for a bit but they come back in spadesful and still need dealing with. Knowing that everyone I know, including me, will sooner or later die. and that's OK.

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joelo


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Wow ... that porridge analogy is still smacking me upside the head.

AWESOME stuff, Bill ... THANKS!

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tistahchrehzyunphuctupdaywuzyea
Mike B.


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Bill,
Nice stuff here.  Looks like the "Promises" and more are being revealed to you.  I've had some success as well.  Thank god for AA. 

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pinkchip


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Awesome Bill, it's good for me to hear how you keep growing and things just keep getting better. I often fail to realize that my efforts in AA and my recovery is going to take time and that I should drop the expectations and just be grateful things are way better than they were. This would be a case of seeing what you have and wanting it...I'm cool if it takes another 2 years or however long. It's inspiring to know it will just keep evolving for the better. All of your posts are either generally uplifting or solution focused. I admire that. Not that you aren't as free to share the hard times if you wanted to.

Mark

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bikerbill


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The hard times have been shared and will continue to be shared, but it's important to me to share the good times too.

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Jerry F


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Wow!! and thanks Bill....In a way I understand it completely and seriously needed
it.  When the student is ready the teacher arrives...   smile

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toni baloney


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Hi Bill,

When I see you here, sharing it ALL, the good with the bad, just like "Life on Life's terms", in just the brief amount of time that I have read ALL your Posts, you always INSPIRE me.

I liked the porridge analogy too, "Mellow Drama doesn't make me weep anymore" A line from a Carlee Simon song, ("I haven't got time for the pain") - written for her Therapist.

"The only Constant in Life is Change" a banner that hung over a Science Class when I was in School.

The above quotes remind me so much of you, they both went sailing thought my thoughts when reading this Post.

Hugs to you my friend,smile.gif

Toni





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Dave Harm


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Your last paragraph smacked me. In 1986 I admitted to being an alcoholic and it kept me sober for five and a half years. But in 1994, when I finally accepted to being an alcoholic did my life change.

With that acceptance I finally came to realize that one drink was way to many for me...

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jonijoni1


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Hi Bill!! Terrific stuff (and ever BETTER blue-blooded phrases!! LOL)

I can so relate to what you are saying here about changing. I think it really takes awhile to be able to "surrender" to what "doesn't work" in everyday life. To just be able to move along with the flow instead of trying to swim against it. To be able to admit defeat and change a behavior or a belief without fear, knowing that if it didn't work, it needed tossed.

I look back at how I had clutched onto fears and habitual reactions, and resisted trying something new (like letting go), and stone-cold sober, to boot! It was like I KNEW being fearful and letting fear or control issues manipulate my actions was NOT going to work, but I was helpless against the tendency to act and think in old ways.

BUT.... ( and there always is one, no?) the longer I stay sober, the more creative my defenses and manipulating get, evermore requiring me to keep letting go, and keep letting go, and keep letting go.....

Great stuff, and thanks for this topic tonight!

Joni

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Rob84


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Thanks for Sharing!

Always good to be reminded that "it works if we work it".

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Rob

"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
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