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FlyingSquirrel


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Hi all. Sorry I only seem to have been posting here lately when I need to talk, and not reading about other people's issues to share my experience about.  I just don't have much experience and strength right now, but I do still have hope and that's probably the most important thing.

Anyway.. I'm 6 months sober, working on my 4th step, and maybe 4 hours after writing my resentments about my dad (who is far and beyond my greatest resentment in life) I got an email from him.  Bad timing (or good? Who knows.)

First, my 4th step about him -- I could have written an entire book, but didn't:


I'm resentful at:

My dad


The cause:

Beat me and belittled me when I was a kid.  Was mean to my mom.  Moved us around to many different homes and schools.  Yelled at us daily.  Made our life a living hell.  Made me question my belief in God.  Made it hard for me to have a healthy relationship with anyone including my daugher and stepson.

(I didn't write what it affected yet, but mainly self-esteem and spirituality I guess.)


Now the email from him:

-----------------

I am really disgusted with your attitude in reference to the military clothes I loaned Elizabeth. You were there, you saw her put them on, you drove her home wearing them. You cannot tell me you dont remember-that is bullshit! I want those clothes back soonest. Your irresponsibility is the key to why you cannot keep a job or find yourself a niche in life. Grow up for gods sake your 40 years old!

Dad

---------------


Now, first off, I've raised a daughter on my own for nearly half of her life (from age 2 to 7, and age 13 to 14 at present) -- and I kept a school bus driving job for 7 years before getting laid off, followed by city bus driving for 6 years before my DUI.  That's over half my employable life in only two jobs, one of which I lost through no fault of my own.  Also, I probably have had un-diagnosed ADHD my entire life, and besides, I have somewhat more heavy things on my mind lately than his fucking clothes.  Normally I might have just blown this email off and simply not responded, but like I said, timing is everything.  I have never said anything to him that has been even remotely close to what I said next.


---------------

My response #1:

 

Go to hell.


(This opened the floodgates.  I couldn't just say go to hell, I had to tell him exactly why he needed to go there.)


My response #2:


And by the way, congratulations on finding yourself a niche in life.  The niche you found was biggest asshole that nobody likes.

 

My response #3:

 

Do you have the slightest fucking clue how much I hate you?  Do you have the slightest fucking clue how fucked up you are?  You are a fucking piece of shit.  I wish you were dead.  You beat me, you humiliated me, you belittled me, you made my life a living hell.  You completely destroyed my self-esteem.  You made it impossible for me to have any kind of successful relationship, and one of the reasons Rainbow {my wife} and I are not together now is because I treated her son the way you treated me (minus the belt).  You drove me to alcohol and I drank for 20 fucking years trying to forget everything.  I didn't fucking succeed.  I tried to commit suicide once and I'm sure you're the fucking reason.  I sometimes wish I had succeeded.  You are NOTHING.

 

My response #4:

 

All you fucking care about is your own pathetic self.  FUCK YOU.  The sooner you die the better.  Now leave me the fuck alone because I hate you, I've always hated you and I always will hate you.

---------------


Now, again, timing is everything, and this happened between 3:10 am and 3:30 am.  I had no alcohol in the house, and it wasn't likely that I could find a store that would sell it to me.  But we alcoholics are resourceful, and it's possible that I could have found a way.  I was shaking uncontrollably when I finished sending these four emails, and badly wanted a drink.  I texted my sponsor, knowing he would be asleep.  I didn't call him because I didn't want him to answer.  I texted a female friend of mine who is in the program, knowing she would probably be awake.  Shortly afterward, she called me.  I went to her house and spent the night.  (Our relationship is currently platonic, though we have each confessed to the other that an attraction exists.  She did make it clear up front that I couldn't sleep with her that night, however.  Smart woman.)  We sat up and watched The Little Mermaid, then went to bed separately.  Today I emailed my sponsor with a copy of what I had sent my dad, and we met at a meeting.  (He hasn't actually had a chance to read the emails yet, however.)


So that's my life in a nutshell right now - a complete mess.  I totally didn't see it coming, and thank God there was someone who could see me through the night or I might have bought a bunch of Nyquil and stayed up till 6am, then bought some alcohol.  As it was, I went to bed at 7am and probably fell asleep around 8 or 9am.

Now I have to go host karaoke in a bar.  Normally that's not an issue for me, but tonight I'll probably be feeling some real temptation.  But they know I'm 6 months sober and probably wouldn't serve me even if I asked.  Not that it's their job.


So I guess the point is, try to have friends in the program that you can really call on because you never know what's around the corner that will hit you when you least expect it.




-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 09:44:21 PM

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jonijoni1


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Wow. Wow wow wow.

Would you believe that I have had a similar experience, so far as the thing with the dad.

But time turned my situation out to be much different today. I don't know if it will for you or not, but listen to what I have to say.

My dad hit me waaayyyy too much, and was overly protective, wouldn't even let me wear makeup in 9th grade. Would not let me date ANYONE, not even from church, and forbade me to go to any dances or even the prom (which thanks to my aunt, I did make it to). So I went off the deep end as soon as I got out of the house. Oh yah, he woudl take me to churches where they would lay hands on me, which terrified me as a child, and he was fanatical about "spare the rod..." etc.

I desperately hated that man. It was great fuel for me to start my career as an alcoholic and drug addict. My dad all but "deserted me" while I was out there, even though it was "his fault".

When I did step 4 in a long term treatment center, (4 months), I had him come in for counseling with me, and I told him tearfully how much it hurt me for him to have beaten me like that and been so controlling. He totally denied ever even hitting me, when he used to use a belt! He totally denied any wrongdoing, and got up and walked out. I was devastated, and ever more angry.

A couple of years later, we met for dinner at a diner. He tearfully apologized to me, and said that he blamed himself for what had become of me. I cried like a baby and told him it was NOT his fault, and that I know that he had some problems of his own, some fears and stuff, which drove him to be the way he was. That it was MY CHOICE to do the things i did. That people suffer far worse than i did and did nOT become alcoholics.

The things that had happened in the meantime? I had prayed a lot. I had worked through the reaction I initially got from him in counseling, and became, over time and hard work, completely able to forgive him, even though he hadn't asked or even acknowledged. I healed MY broken spirit, by forgiving. It made me a bigger woman. It took away my anger. I worked hard on being abel to forgive. My sponsor had told me that alhtough I didn't have to TRUST, or forget, I had to find a way to forgive, in my own heart. And somehow, because I learned how to do that through the steps, the world is a different place now, where me and my dad are concerned.

And over time, my childhood, when I look back now, seems like it was a lot better than I used to think. I heard a man in a meeting say once, "The longer I stayed sober, the better my childhood looked."

I hope this gives you some hope. That if you can't change your dad, that YOU can have peace about this/him. You can do it.



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StPeteDean


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Hey Glenn,

I had a lot of issues with my dad as well. Somehow you need to get away and stay away from him for awhile.  This is an explosive situation for you. Acoa has a concept (practice) called "divorcing your parents" and becoming your "own loving parent" and one of their mottos is "it's never too late to have a happy childhood".  I can attest to that. I've been able to change a lot of that "stuff" stored in my head all these years and it  began with reading positive affirmations (for Acoa's) daily and convincing myself that his opinions didn't matter. There is a way out.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 11:04:28 PM

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newcomer


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Yes, be kind to yourself and let go and let God.

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bikerbill


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Oh man - I choked up when i read this....damn e mail but it's communication at least.

remember that lot out there are just as sick and they don't have the benefit of the programme.

Your responses were very similar to my daughters responses to me after i had made amends - but I see that as the start of her healing, maybe this is a part of your healing.

But man, you're comment 'You drove me to alcohol and I drank for 20 fucking years trying to forget everything.' - c'mon, that's balls really, you chose to drink and then the alcoholism took you.

Last night one way or another you chose not to drink - your default position is changing which is good, you and your higher power keep you safe.

So now you 'have' to go work in a bar hosting a karaoke event - well put yourself in the way on temptation if you want but prepare - my sponsor tells me of one of his previous sponsors who ran a bar. Before starting work he would drink a litre of water and take a 2 litre bottle with him, which he sipped from almost constantly, then when someone offered him a drink he could honestly answer no thanks, I'm not thirsty. So maybe go to work not thirsty, use the serenity prayer, have your phone numbers to hand and use them, have that big bottle of water with you.

Having re read the e mail from your father, the pomposity of it makes me think he's a very angry, uptight feller. I can se how easy it is to react rather than respond - he has his own version of events which doesn't tally with yours. My Mum insists she never hit me or hurt me in her life, I remember it differently. that's her reality this is mine. I know many of the ways I hurt my kids, maybe there is more emotional hurt to be owned and dealt with as I own and deal with the known hurts I have caused.

there is no damn reason for you to drink, it won't change a thing for the better, only for the worse and this you already know. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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Dave Harm


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StPeteDean wrote:

Hey Glenn,

I had a lot of issues with my dad as well. Somehow you need to get away and stay away from him for awhile.  This is an explosive situation for you. Acoa has a concept (practice) called "divorcing your parents" and becoming your "own loving parent" and one of their mottos is "it's never too late to have a happy childhood".  I can attest to that. I've been able to change a lot of that "stuff" stored in my head all these years and it  began with reading positive affirmations (for Acoa's) daily and convincing myself that his opinions didn't matter. There is a way out.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 11:04:28 PM



Growing up in an alcoholic home, both parents were drunks, made me feel so worthless.  When I sobered up I began looking at all my addictions.

It wasn't just alcohol.  I was a raving codependent and after recognizing that it got me back to "Ground Zero" being a child of an alcoholic.

Hazelden has an excellent "daily" Days of Healing, Days of Joy for the ACOA...




 



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pinkchip


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Most parents don't purposely try to fuck up and be terrible to their own children. While the pain is raw and it is your reality, you know your dad is likely just a product of his own upbringing. FS, I work in a prison for kids who are likely on their way to adult prison because their parents are crack whores, criminals, abusive...you name it (I had to edit and add that I know many of us, me included, have pasts involving being promiscuous, criminal, and abusive so therefore I can't really judge) . I had a client whose mother who dipped her in boiling water causing her to have to have multiple surgeries over the course of her life. I have had multiple kids in foster care because their parents both either died, went to prison, or gave them up because they cared about other things more than them. Knowing all of this, however I emerged from my childhood, I know my parents just did the best they knew how. Your father probably never took an honest look at himself in his life, but he's not the devil most likely. Don't let him have power over you anymore if that's possible. That's the point of this 4th step right? To try and let it go...not to write him off persay in an angry way.

PS - I fully understand your reaction and the email responses.  He basically kicked you when you were down already.  That is the opposite of what a parent "should" do.  With that said, the only thing that concerns me is your sanity and not letting him get you so enraged.  It does sound like you will and are working through this stuff though and will gain either a detached or loving perspective eventually.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 3rd of September 2009 09:42:12 AM

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 4th of September 2009 08:57:34 AM

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Tipsy McStagger


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Your dad sounds a lot like my older brother. He's equally skilled at knowing what buttons to push and just what to say to enrage me. It's what abusers do...when we're small they use force or violence to control and manipulate us and when we became too big or independent they use words and attack our insecurities to get a reaction.



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toni baloney


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Hi Glenn,

Am really rushed this morning, but will come back later to add a better response.

The only remarK I have for the moment, is thatthis is the Perfect time to go straight to you HP, and put this in his lap,

What Tipsy wrote, amen to that, and when I fought this same stuff, it made me more determined than ever, to stay close in the AA Program, the 4th Step can be a trecherous time, use every tool you have, work closely with your Sponsor PLEASE,

Ok my comment was going to be briefer, but here it is,

When we react, and when in the Past, we ran away with Alcohol, to forgot that
ugliness, WE WERE LETTING THEM WIN!!!!!

my suggestion is strong, Don't Let Him Win!

We love you, and you will get through this SOBER, and then you have the wonderful 5th Step in Front of you, that will rid you of any and all toxic stuff. (and this stuff is very toxic)

Hugs my friend, we have been there, done this Sober. and you can too.

You bud, Toni



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Sobrietyspell


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Glenn, thank you for coming & sharing all of this with us here. It is a safe expression of your anger, hurt & hate. I feel for your pain & I know that indignation at the inadequacies of another human being who we were so dependent on. You are not dependent on him today. This is what the program has been giving me lately. Freedom from that bondage of self where I have expectations of others that they cannot for whatever reason fulfill on. I am powerless over others. I am very susceptible to how I feel about others & I can understand what was triggered in you for you to have this strong reaction. 

Part of it must be that someone who is so blatantly way off the mark has had the nerve to take your inventory & accuse you while completely ignoring their own faults. There is nothing quite so powerful as this contradiction to get me riled & into my self righteousness but I have a ruthless program where I adamantly must always look at my part & see what in me has been affected & what defect it is I need to become willing to surrender. Taking someone else's inventory & stating it to them is a competitive behaviour & will practically always be met with attack & defence.

Engaging with this ultimately harms me because I cannot bear to hate deeply. If you're as sensitive as me you may notice that these feelings lower your energy & have such a negative effect on your head. I don't want to live in any of my defects no matter how 'right' I might be. I can't afford them. I walk with my HP & give my troubles to Him so that I'm not giving my power away to anybody else. Especially to others who have already had such a detrimental influence in my life. Your Dad has hurt you deeply time & time again & those wounds are unable to heal if you allow yourself to continue to resent this obviously sick person.

6mths is a massive achievement! I'm glad & grateful you've kept hold of them. Your recovery is going to bring many more miracles for you. Even with members in your family quite possibly but particularly with you & you will be surprised just how better & how healing this program is as we work it. The Big Book/12&12 explains often & in much detail principles to help us live peacefully for our own sake. As alcoholics we do not want to drink & we do not want to die. I don't even want to die spiritually so I listen carefully when I am told 'The grouch & the brainstorm are not for us' & that 'We show restraint in pen & tongue' & even 'We have ceased to fight anything & anyone'

Of course there are important things we may wish to make a stand for or set a boundary to help keep us safe & the wisdom in how to do this comes as is promised. I have exercised this restraint myself & not sent a few emails my first impulse wanted. I saved them & spoke to my sponsor before reacting. After speaking with her & her helping me to look at my own inventory I did reply with something very plain, neutral, simple & to the point whilst also keeping civil along with a request for discontinued contact (as was my wish)

The reply that I got was that person taking my inventory (again) with entirely far too many assumptions, a blatant disregard for their own hypocrytical conduct along with pretensious well wishes that only served to display the attitude they were accusing me of. I was outraged by their cheek & arrogance & could have replied making all clever points as to my righteous position & their complete in the wrongness but of course this would be insanity because no one is completely 'right' or 'wrong' & where indeed would it end? There would be no satisfaction for me because that person can alwasy think & say what they like & I'm powerless to it.

That is until I realised that that person can have their opinion & whatever stance they think they have. They did agree to discontinue cantact so I got what I asked for. Ultimately, I kept my own side of the street clean & gave the rest to God. I don't need to react any further. It's water over the dam.

This program is teaching me how to let go with Love & to hold onto what matters. I hope you can sense the compassion in my sharing of this with you, Glenn. I'm not saying your anger isn't justified. For me, justified anger can be especially dangerous because it hooks into all my old self-pity & pain which have already had enough airtime in my life. Forgiveness is a craft I'm learning & I've discovered for real how it is in my forgiveness for others that I find true forgiveness for myself.

When Dad offended me deeply this week in his rejection of Carl when I said the two of us would go round to see him on his birthday (I too have a violent, controlling & abusive history with this man that the program has helped me with). My first reaction was to tell him that I wouldn't be seeing him then & put the phone down on him while he tried to say something. I texted him later & told him I was sorry for being rude to him & snapping, that I was having some thinking time & that I would speak to him in the morning. I phoned the next day, wished hime happy birthday & asked if he had anything further to say about his previous comments.

He made his points (which incidently were unreasonable, selfish & ignorant) & I explained my response to all of them. I told him my thoughts & feelings & said I would be taking some more time to think. Basically he knew that I was coming to a fork in the road where I was prepared to stop spending time with him while he was ostracising Carl. I told him we could speak again later & rang off. A few hours later he called me, said that he didn't want to hurt me, he was sorry & asked my forgiveness. I gave it instantly & we agreed Carl & me would go around & spend some time with him on his birthday. It went well & he treated Carl with respect.

This is a complete turn around for me. I begged, bargained, pleaded, accused & just outright judged everyone in my life who I disagreed with in the past. I'm learning how to care of myself & my emotions today so that I can stay on the right side of sane. I do it for me. If I am being kind, loving, detached & tolerant towards others in my life, it's not that I am allowing others to win, it's that I am not giving them my power. My power to stay serene, sober & loving. I can only be angry for so long & then I find again it's me I'm going to change. Even, though it could be said my Dad was 'in the wrong', apologising to him for my part gave me back my peace & self respect regardless of his part which is his business. In this instance I gave him a choice which I would have been happy to fulfill on either way.

This doesn't come naturally to me & I haven't got the whole prayer thing down just yet so I'm grateful I have a couple of people I can draw on for counsel in getting my conduct & boundaries straight. I want to live well so I follow these guidelines to help me grow & stay sane. Recovery deepens & gets better, Glenn even more than you've experienced yet! Keep up your good work. Be careful with your female friend in the program.. Less is more & you are vulnerable right now :) I hope you don't mind my sharing all this. It has helped me to express my ESH. I hope you might find something useful in there. Nevertheless, I'm glad you've shared all this here too. It is a good venting space before we do anything we might regret! lol

Godbless, Danielle x




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That was a pretty good bridge blowup not perfect, pretty good.  For me I had to
learn how to get out of the line of people I let abuse me.  I had to learn how to
do nothing to abuse me while the other abusers were not around.  Somehow
I took up the mallet after all of them had left and just continued the beating. 
You said what you felt you had to say...let it be over for now cause other
opportunities will be coming that require other choices.   I came from a family of
abusers...mother (really good at it), step father (can't describe victimization better
than that), brothers...LOL we use to do each other all the time and I was the one
that got serious about it.  It was me that I had to change first and foremost cause
there is nothing I can do about the other "self satisfied" people.

I agree with the mushroom cloud but only see a damaged bridge.  Lots of good
stuff still standing.   Stay standing Glenn.   smile

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FlyingSquirrel


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Thanks everyone.  I am still upset but at least he knows where I stand now.  If it got through his twisted brain.

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joelo


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You're in my prayers, Squirrel ... Stay strong!

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