I have a situation that I need help with. I have a sponsee that is very new to AA. His wife and him are going to a marriage councelor. He believes if he does right by his wife, everything will be Ok, he will get his wife and children back. She has not left him yet. He has put her on a very hight pedistal. He is extremely intelectual, and makes situation more complicated. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice would be a blessing!
It's tough. Alcoholics think that they have power over powerless situations. His wife might have made up her mind that it's over and is just going through the motions believing that he won't be able to stay sober. Alcoholic relationships are dysfunctional in nature. And I believe that because both parties are usually codependents, that they don't really know each other out of all the people pleasing (read acting) that they do. That's why it's such a rude awakening when one of them stops pretending to be all "nicey nice". My x-wife (of 21 years ago) is totally different then the woman that I met, fell in love with, and married and I'm sure that she feels the same way about me. Bottom line is that we were never compatible, we just pretended to be. But who knows maybe your sponcee and his wife will get back together. I would just try and suggest that the outcome can't be predicted and tie it together with powerlessness.
Let the counselor counsel them, and trust the process, that if she chooses still to leave, he will either have the sanity to get through it sober, or he will not. You are there to be an example and work the steps with him, and you cannot "fix" anything else in his life.
Remember you are there to carry the message, not to "carry" the alcoholic. He is ultimately responsible for his own actions.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
yes, its the message not the person that you carry, other wise its just enabling. He will learn by going to many meetings and if he can identify it will help him accept whatever the outcome is.
I would suggest keeping with the counceling, better to leave the marriage stuff to the pro's.
There is never a bad reason to be at AA meetings, but my experience tells me he might be in the program more due to the family issues than to work on himself.
I would express the importance of him being there for himself, he is no good to the wife and family if his own house is not in order.
If we work the program/steps there are 12 things promised, unfortunatley getting the wife and kids back are not 100%.
Take care,
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
If he's not serious about recovery and I will ask the ones I work with, I will be in support but not sponsor as I have in the past become a person to blame. The Al-Anon Family Groups speak the language of recovery thru the 12 steps and 12 traditions also having been founded by the wives of AA's founders. That is a good suggestion only. If she is not ready either than...she's not ready. The counselor might suggest it if the problem of alcoholism is mentioned as an issue how ever for me the best place to be would be "in support" only.
My sponsor told me early on that he was a sponsor not a counsellor. He could help me with my alcoholism but marital / financial / sexual etc. problems need specialists.
I tell my sponsees the same thing.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
My sponsor told me early on that he was a sponsor not a counsellor. He could help me with my alcoholism but marital / financial / sexual etc. problems need specialists.
I tell my sponsees the same thing.
That's why AA isn't the end all be all when it comes to our character defects. Most of us have problems with relationships, and by my survey, the majority of long timers live alone because of it. Relationships are also (imo again due to my observations over the years) the number 1 issue that recovering/recovered alcoholics relapse over. And it was very troublesome to this alcoholic in the first 2 years when I failed to get sober. I attribute my eventual success, in large part, to getting help in other 12th step programs (and thankfully a divorce lol), namely Codependents anon, and ACOA. And a lot of us seem to get similar results from attending Al-anon. Of course the recommendation is to get a good handle on your sobriety (6-12 months) before persuing these issues as they may bring up pain and add to the difficulty of early sobriety. And this is precisely why it's recommended (unwritten) that newcomers stay out of relationships for the first year. Of course if they are in a committed relationship that falls under "Don't make any big decisions or changes in your first year". With all that said, any newcomer, that is in a relationship (which are most often dysfunctional and troublesome) has a much steeper learning curve, and as such faces (imo again) much higher odds of staying sober, while in that relationship. It is because of these tendencies, that when I'm asked about existing relationships in early recovery I warn folks of the compounded issues and how hard they will need to work at their program because of the immense distractions, from the required self introspective work. It may fall on deaf ears, at first, but I know that the mind records everything and eventually it will be regurgitated.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 05:43:04 PM
Thanks all! After having a long talk with my sponsee, he has now decided he will put his sobriety first, then work out the other problems. He admitted he cannot do it alone. Thank God! Thanks again, Onredman
