When was your ah ha! moment

progress · Member

When was your ah ha! moment

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

For me it was when my best drinking and drugging friend Ronnie died of an overdose. I had survivors' guilt because he was a "better man" than I and had 100 friends. I decided that I was going to be the one to walk out of that circle and leave addiction behind. I made it a goal to not let Ronnie's death be in vain. My wife (now x-wife) and I had also just split up for the last time (Thanks God) and I would no longer have a designated driver. I knew that I was on borrowed time with drinking and driving and my license was now more important than ever to perform visitation with my 2 year old son. I also didn't want him to grow up with a drunk for a dad like I did.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 1st of September 2009 12:52:08 PM

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

30+ years ago in my first "for real" recovery meeting in the Al-Anon Family Groups
when I heard them promise, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help." I'd
never had my brain out of the box before that night. It was 37 years old and in
perfect shape. Even the batteries were still good and it still fit that empty space
between my ears. That promise continues to be fulfilled up until this very moment
and is one of the first things I give away to "searchers" at the door of recovery.

An open mind is very necessary because in these rooms the thinking is different,
the language is different and the behavior has everything to do with not drinking
which was not my usual state.

There have been very many more AHAs! after that. smile

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Mine came when I was kicked out of my house for the second time.... Living with mommy and right after completed a 4 week IOP program. I decided on a Friday night(my trigger night) that I'd go out for some control drinking.. My anchors were gone(wife/kids) and with this new found knowledge and experience I had... how could I go back to my old behavoirs??? Alcoholic thinking at it's finest.

The diesase won out and I blacked out at around 9:00pm??? Woke up in the hospital momentarily and then woke up in jail. Twelve hours of blackout with but a few minutes of recall. I was realized from jail: Guilt, shame, anxious, hopeless and fearful. I called my sponsor and surrendered to this powerful diesase. Jails, institutions and death. I obtained 2 of the 3. I know the third is right around the corner.

joelo · Senior Member

When my 8 year-old son asked, as we were packing our lunches and drinks for the Cub Scout Day Camp, if i was going to pack some beer for me in his cooler. I heard the innocence in that question, and i saw how perfect and lovely he was as he asked me this ... probably the same way my late alcoholic mother once looked at me and saw my innocence and childish perfection ... and i knew i had to BREAK the cycle.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Starring in a mirror at 5 o'clock in the morning, after a night of drinking alone, my eyes were bloodshot. I just looked like death...

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

When I had my last relapse, and no matter what I did, I could not get back to that "place of ease and comfort" which I was at so so sooooo long ago when drinking. I was drunk and high, and still in a way cognisant, KNOWING that I screwed up, and that I could not quiet the beast no matter how much I consumed. All I could think about was all I was about to lose, over something so damned destructive and stupid. I had a very strong feeling the whole time of "I do NOT belong here". Thank God I made it back ALIVE. Some of us don't. A lot of us don't, matter of fact.

progress · Member

Another ah ha moment for me was when i was detoxing for the second time in my life,feeling like i wasn't worth the air i sucked in that a man (who would later become my sponsor) said something that i really needed to hear. He said that i had not lost my 16 years of sobriety, I still had that valuable knowledge of just what it takes for the long haul but also the lessons learned leading into my relapse. He was right, I gained valuable knowledge of myself but also am able to pass it on to others. Thank God for the Progress not perfection saying cause I am far from being perfect, tried that and it doesn't work!!!!

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I had just crashed my car drunk after a night out at the bar cheating on my alcoholic partner of 7 years. I was sure my life was ruined at that moment because I was way too drunk to not get a DUI which would have cost me my job probably. No DUI..no police came...the other driver must have had drugs in his car or something...I drove the wrecked car home. Woke up the next morning, picked up a shard of broken headlight plastic to remind me forever what my drinking had taken me to and also knowing it could have been and should have been worse. The next night the boyfriend was drinking and begging me to stay. I knew I had to leave to get sober. I packed two grocery bags of stuff and left. Went to an AA meeting a day later. 11 months ago today.

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

I was drunk and miserable as usual. I read to escape, and was crying and reading an essay by someone who stated that after decades of sorrow due to alcoholism, he experienced an amazing ten years sober.

The next day, extremely hungover and sick, I picked up a memoir by an editor who wrote about her alcoholism. This book had been in pile of books by my bed for years. I had just graduated from training as an editor four days earlier. I was at the end of my rope, barely made it through school while drinking. Tired to death of being tired. Sick of myself. Near the end of the day, I had the ah ha. It wasn't me that was the problem. It was the idea that life would suck without drinking. I wanted what these writers had-grateful sobriety. I decided to do what they did. I found MIP the next day, and my first meeting later that week.

Here I am 3 months later, sober; I thank God constantly for this gift. After years of begging God to let me die, I now feel beloved by the universe. I hope always to grow and serve. I am grateful for the founders and their incredible effort in putting together the steps. As an avid reader, aspiring writer and alcoholic I appreciate more everyday the power of the BB.

I know now that some day I may be able to do work that I love. I can live without extreme fear and anxiety. I love and am loved by God. That has been the true gift of the ah ha.

-- Edited by angelov8 on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 02:23:21 AM

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

october 2006, just been taken back home from a night in the cells and arrived at my cottage with the doors wide open, the stereo on full blast, all the lights on, the gas fire lit, the phone off the hook, the room trashed and every bottle in the house open on the table, some full, some empty. around 6 a.m.

All that drinking didn't change a damn thing and never would and I wanted another drink.

Being the big, cocky, hairy arsed biker I was I decided to pour all this stuff away and I cried my eyes out as I did it. I haven't taken booze since.

But I didn't believe I could stay sober, one day at a time, no matter what until February 26th 2007, when I followed the advice of my solicitor, answered no comment to all the questions and came out feeling like the lowest of the low and it was the anniversary of my Da's death and my estranged wife wanted to castrate me. I called three people and one answered, told me to get my arse round to his house and babysat me through to meeting time.

toni baloney · Senior Member

Well for me there were no outside physical details, as much as the darkness in my own soul, I had a firm and stong and determinded commitment to end my life of waking up daily in a Blackouts, drank 24/7, passed out twice, once in the afternoon, came to, got drunk again til the night time, next blackout sleep. I wanted so badly to escape this incomprehensible misery, and when I became aware that this third attempt at ending my life, was not going to happen, just as I had failed the first two times. I truly believed that death would bring peace to my own utter shell of once was a woman.

I had spent the morning crawling around on this outside deck in a very dirty bathrobe, looking for a large piece of glass, and when I could not find any glass,
I simply turned my face up to this very dark grey sky, and said, God, can you show me a different way.

For some strange reason, I made a call to my Attorney, we were going through a divorce, and she said, with a lot of urgency in her voice, I NEED you to come in TODAY, there is another woman that I want you to meet, no other details, but I said I could do that, and this other woman turned out to be a Profressional, specializing in alcohol withdrawal.

So that is how it began, this awesome woman that I met, asked me simply if I would agree to not drink until I saw her the next day, and I said, yes, I will try very hard to do that, and she asked me also, if I would agree to look for and find one AA meeting in between and go to that meeting before seeing her, again I said yes, I will do that. I will try.

And I did, and the rest is history, my own Recovery began out of that darkness of wanting out so badly, and slowly, one day at a time, sitting in those meetings, only listening, and after a while started looking forward to speaking with my new Therapist, because I was no longer drinking, and I wanted so much for her to be proud of me for keeping my word.

It was a very slow, but steady crawl up and out of the darkness. It is painful to go back there, in memory, but I must never forget my past ever, so I go glance back often.

Thanks for this Post, pretty painful to put into words... difficult to answer.... but possible.

I owe my life completely to my God of my understanding, and to this Awe Inspiring Program, and thank you for this opportunity to put this on paper.

Toni

-- Edited by toni baloney on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 04:51:30 PM

lukin · Veteran Member

Let's see...
Mine was over the course of a weekend. It started on a Thursday after work and involved me being basically drunk out of my mind with strangers over the course of a weekend & being completely careless with myself. Sleeping with men I didn't know...being in strange places... just generally bad and desperate behavior.
Sunday I was drinking all day, starting from brunch onward, and about 5:00 that afternoon I was sitting in a bar by myself, thinking about ending my life that night. I called my then-best friend and she came to get me where I was.

My mother called me shortly thereafter and relayed to me all of the things that my daughter (12 years old) has said about my drinking. How when I go out, my daughter is never sure if I'm going to come home. How when I'm home & drinking, I pass out on the couch & she has to take the drink out of my hand and put it on the coffee table so it doesn't spill, and then puts herself to bed. How sometimes I pass out and she's not sure if I'm dead.
It was suggested- but not pushed on me- that I try a 12 step program. I was defiant for about an hour, then I went to bed.

The next morning, Monday, I woke up & my daughter's words about my drinking started to play in my head. I thought "if I ever have to hear those words again, I will just stab myself in the heart with a sword." After the weekend, I knew my drinking was completely out of control & I decided, just for that day, to give AA a try. Just a try. Who knows what would happen, but I knew that things couldn't get any worse than they had been the night before.

I will go to my grave believing that when I woke up that Monday morning, my higher power reached into my throat and pulled out any desire I had to ever drink again.