Relapse after 2 years

greengrocer · Newbie

Relapse after 2 years

progress · Member

Sounds like your sick and tired of being sick and tired. #1 You are not alone. #2 Please go to a meeting and avail yourself a sponsor. I'm making asumpsions here but it sounds as though you have tried to white knuckle sobriety and made it 2 years. Our old habits are but a drink away unless we find a different way to think and live. There's a better way. Remember that a higher power loves you and so do we. It's no mistake that your reaching out for help and believe me help is here.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, Greengrocer. I feel for you so deeply & I know your story is not unique. Ever since I quit nearly three years ago I have been so wary of that one first drink & I have kept it at arms length with a continuous working of the 12 steps & doing everything suggested. This has helped me to gain every one day as it comes. I feel your shame in a gratitude that I haven't had to take that first drink again today & that your story helps me to stay with the memory of how painful it would be to be on Day1 again having let myself down & seemingly lost all that I had.

I don't know if, as helpful as this is for me, if it is helpful to you in any way but I can tell you this that despite how ashamed or self-loathing you may be right now there is nothing but love & compassion in my heart for you & this momentary fall. Let it be simply another feature of your story. You don't have to stay down & your strength in getting back up & into your sobriety saddle will help & encourage other alcoholics around you to do the same, stay in theirs or renew efforts to stay sober themselves for today. We only get this one day & every day is a new chance to remain sober. Your two year 'Sobrietyspell' has taught you much & also even this slip has.

It is still early days for you as far as recovery goes. I hear so many stories of people taking a drink after some time & the feelings are always the same. If we only had one stab at sobriety we'd just give up on the spot wouldn't we. We don't have to. You're still here. You're still alive. And! You're willing to give it another go. I know that because your hear with your courage to ask for help & for us to join in our common purpose & help each other to stay sober again today. I am glad & grateful that you are here & that you've reached out. You've allowed me a chance to help you & that has helped me. Thank you for your humility. I know we need you as much as you need us. We're in this together :) Jump back in & give it your all, GG. You know it's worth it & you can do it.

Two years flies over pretty quick & with determination you can have that again soon enough & very probably with a greater quality of sobriety too if you're willing to do whatever it takes to work these steps, enjoy this fellowship, attend meetings, read the literature, accept it into your heart & discuss it all with a loving sponsor. All this helps me. I hope you can enjoy the help that's here for you too. Eventually reaching Step12 with a working to the best of my ability of the Steps gone before & practicing in ALL my affairs gives me a contentment that no drink can compare with, Today. Something you can aim for again, GG.. If you want it.. 1Day@aTime :)

I hope you'll stay close with us & share how you're getting on each day. With you 100%, Danielle x

Dave Harm · Senior Member

I threw away five and a half years sobriety and the hardest thing for me was swallowing my pride and walking back into the rooms. I put it off for two years and during that time I destroyed everything around me.

I have a lot of admiration for people who have a slip and get right back into AA. I wish I did... I could have prevented a lot of pain.

Today, I look at those five and a half years sober and my two year slip as a major part of my recovery. I don't think I could be where I am today if I didn't have that slip.

I needed that slip to make me humble and to show me how truly powerless I am...

greengrocer · Newbie

You're right, I did go it alone and because of that I thought I was even stronger.

Thats whats killing me now, is that it took one moment of weakness and all that I thought Id become over the last 2 years was bulls***.

Im devasted that I could throw in the towel that easy, Ive never experienced such despair and I cannot bear to have anyone know, because the only people I have now, have finally started to trust and believe in me.

It just wouldnt be worth it to me to see their disappointment and distrust return. I cannot let them know but need help

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

GG,

You can't cry over spilled milk. You had 2 years and you still have had 2 years. Today is new day, so is tomorrow and all the next. Those are what count. Pick yourself up, quit feeling sorry for yourself and get back into recovery. I'm sure that we don't have to tell you what you need to do, but I will say that after my first two years of failure at this program, I didn't miss a daily meeting for the first 3.5 years. I did this while being a single dad, starting and operating a new business (which is still going 21 years later) and going through a divorce. At 2 years, my father had a severe stroke and I took care of him for 3 more years, which included moving myself , my son, and my business to FL. I've been around the world and attended AA meetings in most of the countries that visited. You can't do this alone, and it's got to be your number 1,2, and 3 priority. I have heard of a 1000 people that went out after 2 years, drank for another 10 or so and came back really beat up and not to functional. You sound like you have a lot of personal assets. Imagine only being able to perform a minimum wage job because your brain is so damaged and self esteem = -100%. Sorry my writing skills are lacking tonight, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

toni baloney · Senior Member

Welcome GG,

Hope you will stay here, and let the love and support be the help you might find.

Relapse, I know that Word pretty well, it was sort of my middle name for over 10 years in trying to get this Program, like a chronic, get a little hope, fall flat on my face again, and get another glimmer of hope, and again fall on my face, I also knew that Shame like I was the shame itself.

Just like the blood, sweat and tears, that it takes to build a large, solid and strong building, we can use all that old toxic shame and a sense of despair, to rebuild a new life, one that will come witha more solid foundation. So think about the possibility of using those tools to re create for yourself a stronger and even more solid Sobriety for yourself. Go to a zillion meetings, get a Temporary Sponsor, or a Permanent one, when you go home, you did not say when that would be, and then think about just an unconditional surrendering to the AA Program, to your HP, and working the 12 Steps of Recovery, just like your life depends on it, for it sounds like it does indeed.

You certainly have the first half of the 1st Step down, We are Powerless over Alcohol.

Today looking back at those "hopeless relapse years" , that was my thinking then, but that was close to 19 years ago, it helped me then gain that wonderful GIFT of DESPERATION, and from that basement up and out did I crawl, slowly, but never the less, steadily until I found a Sponsor, did everything anyone suggested, and only listened, I sure did not have any answers, so no point to doing much but listen, but I finally comprehended what it meant to go to any lengths, and do any Step, no matter how difficult it appeared.(I am referring to the work steps, 4,5, 8 and 9.

So GG, possibly you might considering giving all this shame and remorse you are feeling, try asking you HP to let you put these emotions in HIS Lap, and let you do what the next right thing to do is.

I am saying a Prayer for you dear, and send a whole bunch of big Soriety Hugs to you.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you are "Terminal Unique" Most of us here on this board know exactly where it is that you are coming from, and we could only know that if we had walked in your shoes, right.

Please stay right here, and keep Posting....and on a very Positive note, can say I am really looking forward to your next post.

Love and Prayers to you GG.

Toni, no Baloney

( I never add the "no" to the sign off, just for you, cause I guess I thought you might not appreciate the Baloney part, :)

-- Edited by toni baloney on Monday 31st of August 2009 08:59:38 PM

greengrocer · Newbie

Thank you everyone, I cant believe Im back at this stage of my life and thats the hardest part to accept. I have to try again but dread the thoughts of even asking for help.
I have to do something though, I cant go back to that life.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

greengrocer wrote:

I cant believe Im back at this stage of my life and thats the hardest part to accept. I have to try again but dread the thoughts of even asking for help.
I have to do something though, I cant go back to that life.

You're right where you need to be. I found the serenity prayer very helpful with gaining acceptance. Until we gain acceptance we just waste precious energy that we need to get moving toward our solutions. The past is past. Be grateful that it's not a lot worse. Accept your humanness, don't be afraid to tell your loved ones what's happened. They'll appreciate your honesty a lot more than they will your dishonesty (and they will find out eventually one way or another). Your disease wants you to keep it a secret. Our secret are what kill us.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I had stopped drinking on my own with zero meetings and no AA. It lasted about 4 months. I was skeptical of AA for several reasons...I thought I was too smart for it, I was a "therapist" and should be able to figure it out and fix it myself...I wasn't raised in a religious environment and thought AA was going to brainwash me in a way I didn't want (all turned out to be my ego and misconceptions). Unlike you, the disease didn't really creep back up on me. I decided I wasn't having any fun not drinking and made a conscious decision to get wasted. I knew I was going to do it all day long and I went home and got drunk to the point of passing out on the floor again... What had been an every other day drinking habit then became a daily one and there wasn't even an effort to try controlled drinking. Every time I tried controlled drinking I felt so crappy after that 1 drink or 2 drinks was done. I might catch a buzz but I didn't enjoy it. The simple fact is I don't enjoy being "buzzed" like a normal drinker. I enjoy being totally hammered. I enjoy checking out completely. So controlled drinking efforts made me feel worse than anything because they were always an utter failure and left me feeling so incredibly empty. When I was totally wasted, I didn't care about that empty feeling...I didn't care much about anything. That shameful emotionally drained, spiritually bankrupt, "so broken I can't be fixed" feeling is how I walked into AA crying and asking for help. I would not have gone had I not crashed my car drunk and a friend really insisted I go. I would have tried to hide it like I always did. My parents didn't know how bad things had gotten. My coworkers were kinda clued in. In anycase, there was no hiding a wrecked car, a totally messed up relationship of 7 years I was in and wanting to die. I guess what I am saying is I really identify with the feelings you are describing. Regardless of wrecked cars, stints in rehab that might be waiting again if you don't get help, that empty horrible and shameful feeling is bad enough and there is hope in AA. There's a whole social support network waiting for you to help battle this disease and you don't have to do it alone. You were just totally honest with your feelings here and if our responses even made you feel an iota better, the relief you will feel when you start going to meetings and working the program will be 10fold. Telling your loved ones about your slip would probably help, but AA is anonymous and can help you get to the point where you are ready to even do that. I admire your courage and honesty in coming here. Yes, you know you have it in you to not drink for quite some time on your own, but you don't have to bear the weight of this horrible disease by yourself. AA and it's principles are broad enough to help any alcoholic. The only 1 of the 12 steps that requires no room for your own spin is step 1. The rest is really up to you to allow others to help you, take suggestions that make sense, and to find whatever higher power that will make the steps really work. People are suggesting you drop the self-pity and move on. I agree, but I know that's easier said than done. I just suggest dropping the self-pity just enough to go to a meeting and share exactly what you did here...then go to a second meeting...let it all unfold and you will be amazed and I really believe you will find a quality of life and sobriety that you never expected. In love and support,

Mark

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Greengrocer,
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and then washed it with too much bleach, so now the t-shirt is in the drawer for shirts I don't want to throw away, but that I know I'll never wear again. Having said that, I and many others were not able to just quit after exposure to the program. I forget the percentage who do, but its like 40-50%. You and I are not lucky enough to be in that group, but the fact that you are here with the knowledge you have means you have a huge likelyhood of being in the next 20-25% who stop after a relapse or two.
The reason AA works is because it is alcoholics talking to other alcoholics. You are not here with shrinks who theorize that they know the mind of alcoholics, you are here with people like me who have been exactly in your shoes. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
The beauty of this site is that you can go back through the threads and find your story over and over again. There is nothing new under the sun. You will find numerous examples of people who climbed back on the horse after falling off. Just start from the beginning on your steps.
It sounds like you are going through what I call "pressure tests" or "systems checks" of your sobriety. When you are sober for a while, you do a "test" of seeing how strong your will is. Lots of people here on this forum describe these "tests", but none so eloquently as Bikerbill. Its almost like you forget all the bad parts of drinking--and until you have a bad situation (which will come) you get caught up in "drunk think" which is where your evil master is in control and convinces your sane parts to stay in the background. This is why another of the keys to AA is that we admit we are POWERLESS over alcohol. Every person on this board is powerless over alcohol just like you. We are all one drink away from being in your situation. Just try going back through the steps and please try and reach out to your HP. One of the great things about AA that people don't comment on too much is that it brings you into contact more and more with your HP. That relationship grows with time. You know the poem about the footprints in the sand where Jesus says "thats where I carried you" referencing an absence of a pair of footprints. Your HP is always there. Put your burdens, lonleiness, fears, and shortcomings in your HP's hands and rest. Of course you don't have the strength to quit again. You are POWERLESS over alcohol. You do have the strength to do the steps and share the work with your brothers and sisters in AA and get a sponsor for one on one help.
Good luck with prayers.
Tom

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Greengrocer I read things in your posts like 'Im ashamed to ask for help,

help' and 'I did go it alone and because of that I thought I was even stronger' and 'I cant believe Im back at this stage of my life and thats the hardest part to accept. I have to try again but dread the thoughts of even asking for help.
I have to do something though, I cant go back to that life.'

reads like you tried to stay sober on your own with no support.

We have no defence against the first drink - and when we take that first drink the phenomenom of craving starts again.

we have an obsession to drink 'normally' but in my case I cannot drink normally again.

How do i do it - like you I ask for help, take the help and share my experience, strength and hope.

Your experiences will help others. You are asking for help. Help is being offered. take the help it's never too late.

You have had 2 years of sobriety, no-one can take that away, now you know how good it can be. But I would suggest you get yourself to your nearest AA meeting as soon as possible, get a sponsor and throw yourself into the steps. It worked for me and it can work for you too.

I lose count of the number of times I sailed up to the edge of a drink. It was AA and the new supportive friends that helped me to turn away from the temptation.

I couldn't stay drink free for above 48 hours without help. I've done a fair few months at it now, but I cannot do it alone. I am learning a new way of life and I am changing me which is the only thing in my world that needs changing - and from that my default position has gone from hide my feelings in a bottle to ask for help.

progress · Member

I've been thinking alot of you and said a prayer for you Greengrocer, It might sound sick but once you start your step work with a sponsor eventually you'll look back on these times and realize that this pain is actually a blessing. I went out after sixteen years of sobriety and really found it hard to find any reason to go on living, After all, i had proved to myself that i was a pathetic loser and would be hard pressed to find anyone to debate that for me. What we have are thinking problems-not drinking problems, Alcohol is but a symptom. Belive it or not you are working on the most important step in this program right now and that is step 1!!! Thinking of you because your worth it. John

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha GG...It can't be that unnoticible since it is having this affect over you.   You
notice it in high contrast and this is the notice that we can use. The past is over
except for what it can teach you about drinking and not drinking. The future isn't
here yet so no projecting or fortune telling.   Stay in the day, the hour, the minute
and continue to resist with what works...Meetings, literature, fellowship, sponsor.

As I relate to the fellows here that go back out and attempt to get back in..those
two years of being dry are real years and real experiences. Time to repractice
what you did then rather than repractice the drinking.

I know what you're going thru and I hated the cunning, powerful and baffling
character of the disease that kept me enslaved almost with my own will. The
alcohol thought for me and spoke for me. Thank God for the program. So there
is the larger aspect there God as you understand God...real or not? For me real
without exception. Here's a mental exercise to do may repetitions with until the
spritual muscel start to grow. "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.
Admit your faults to him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your
past. Give freely of what you find and join us as you trudge the Road of Happy
Destiny.   May God bless you and keep you - until then.

Thanks for your post. It is important to me. smile

Tipsy McStagger · Senior Member

Congratulations!

I'm being totally sincere. You just got a taste of what going back to booze would be like and all it cost you was a some gut wrenching shame, guilt and remorse. It could have been worse, you could have gotten a DUI, you could have ended up in the hospital or even worse you could have crawled back into the bottle and lost everything you gained in the last two years....but you didn't, you came back.

Welcome back friend.

progress · Member

Not to mention the MORGUE!

greengrocer · Newbie

Firstly, Thanks all for taking the time to respond.

I needed to get that off my chest and I think I needed to admit what had happened, even if it wasnt exactly face to face with someone.

Fortunately, I havent drank since and although it took two days to swallow my pride, I finally contacted a friend from AA and went to a closed meeting last night.

Im still hugely disappointed after relapsing but after reading your posts, I really should count myself lucky that Im getting help before things got out of hand.

Thank you all for your concern and support. Ill keep you updated on how things progress and the best of luck to you all.

GG.