I am looking for anything and everything related to Step Four - workbooks, textbooks, pamphlets ... anything that will help me through this complicated step.
Aloha Joe...best thing but not the only thing for me was a good sponsor. You got one of those? If you do I'd not suggest a 4th step aid that might get in the way of what that sponsor would lead you to. I've done 6ea 4th steps. It all started with one and that one with a sponsor.
triple recommendation on the Sponsor. You can't do this step by yourself and it's detrimental to your sobriety to try and do it alone. You should be going to a lot of meetings during the time you are writing the 4th step and arrange to do your 5th step immediately after you finish the 4th. It' like radio active material that you need to handle properly so that you don't drink over it. A good time table is 3 weeks and do the 5th step on the 4th week with your sponsor, priest, or other trusted elder (not family). There are some good 4th step guides around but like Bill and Jerry said, your sponsor might want you to do it a different way or the way it's laid out in the big book.
Through this process, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, my sponsor and step meetings helped out alot. The 12 by 12 breaks it down. Also other people in the fellowship sharing their experience strength and hope on this step helped me too. I can relate to the thoughts that you have on step 4 being complicated. I have thought and felt like that. Step 4 was not complicated, i just had a complicated mind at the time. I could not do this alone and the great part about is i did not have to. There was someone willing and able to help me. I followed the directions that my sponsor gave me which basically came from the "Big Book". My sponsor played a very important role in this process and still do today. If you do not have a sponsor, it is highly suggested that you get one and follow the directions of your sponsor provided that he/she has worked the 12 steps. Self knowledge will not work on this disease. Keep coming back.
i have a sponsor, but the more and more time i spend in meetings with him, the more disenchanted i grow with him. He and his sponsor (both in their 60s) start out every share with "Back when i was drinking it was whatever i wanted, when i wanted it, how i wanted it ..." and then regale us with stories of how they were stubborn drunkards while drunk. I get SO tired of hearing about how people were when they drank ... am i out of line in expecting a share more in the line of "when i was going through step X, i did X, Y and Z." or "When i found it difficult to go through step X, i felt X, Y and Z"
So, i'm a bit apprehensive in approaching him with this.
Are AA meetings SUPPOSED to be a series of our sharing stories of how we got in fights in bars and ignored our wives and kids? I thought we were supposed to get to the heart of RECOVERY.
Thanks for letting me vent ... more later when i have time.
Im glad that you have a sponsor. I remember early on in my sobriety hearing a lot of how,when,where and etc..when they drank. That is one of the reasons I kept coming back. I related to some of those experiences. I became less ashamed of what I had done because other people had done what I had done and by the grace of God, they were sober. This gave me hope that I can stay sober if I did what they did(sponsor,12 steps). When I started to attend Step meetings and Big Book study groups, I became more aware of this disease and the solution. These were meetings that were suggested to me by my sponsor. We are suppose to share our experience,strength and hope with each other. You are not out of line for expecting the solution. That should be part of our experience strength and hope. When I hear someone sharing in a meeting that I'm uncomfortable with, I pray and ask God for the message that he is trying to send me through that person. Its always a message somewhere and a lot of times it comes from people that we really do not want to listen to. Ask your sponsor about how he stayed sober.If its gets unbearable for you, there are other people that would gladly sponsor you. I have had 4 sponsors since I have been sober. The 1st one, i was not willing. The 2nd one took me as far as she could with the steps(1-5). My third sponsor(sponsored me for 10..years) recently past and now I have another sponsor. All 4 of my sponsors helped me along this journey. Remember, this is about your life. Seek and you will find the solution. Stay willing and keep coming back.
Congratulations on reaching your 4th Step, Joelo. It is laid out in the Big Book & I thought it was very complicated. It wasn't. it just hurt because I was looking at my part in things & having to have the humility to admit honestly my judgements, hurts & fears. I used the Column method & gave my answers in itemised lists in regards to Resentments, Fears, Sexual Conduct, Guilts. They were quite longwinded explanations to begin with but I learned how to simplify with practice & willingness. I danced around this Step & have so far done it twice along with 3 Step 5s. It is an amazingly enlightening experience & when you're through the other side it's so wonderful to know you've done it to the best of your ability today. Step 3 was a big help in my courage & keeping my Sponsor close was invaluable too. You can do this with any Sponsor you like. 'If you want what they have'. 3wks of steady work sounded good from Dean there. that's about what my second attempt took. My first was mostly verbal & like pulling teeth bless my Sponsor lol Enjoy this hard work, Joelo. It's so worth it. Keep coming back & sharing how it is for you. Your courage is encouraging to me too, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I sent you a note with my personal email. Send me a email and I will attach a pdf file with a worksheet.
Congrats on your decision to get started.
It's not that complicated and you will not do it perfectly, but so it anyway. Pretty much all the information you need is on the worksheet in the BB and 12 and 12.
Don't use the perfection excuse as a reason to put off putting pencil to paper.
Hang in there with your sponsor, everyone has their strong points and he is helping you in ways you may not realize today and I am sure you are helping him.
Remember love and tolerance is our code.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
This is great stuff here, thank you Joel for posing the question, and everyone for sharing their experiences. I am currently working on this step. Initially I was making it extra complicated. It's like parts of me are holding onto self-will for dear life. Now that I feel I'm getting somewhere, I have to get it down on paper! I thank God daily for the support of my sponsor. She has been vital in working the steps so far and in many other ways as well.
I suffer from major indecisiveness. That revealed, This was the first answer I thought of to your post, I think this is straight out of BB: If you are unsure about your sponsor (or anything, of course) ask your HP. So far I find that if I'm willing to listen, I get the right message. In fact I have been asking in prayers this week for help with unconfusing myself with the inventory, and here it was today, sure as clouds and rain in the Northwest, a post on 4th step. I also got a topic on resentment and fear in brand new (for me) meeting I attended the other day. This topic was suggested among the regulars while I was silently trying to get up the courage to ask for a 4th step topic.
In fellowship, Angela
-- Edited by angelov8 on Tuesday 25th of August 2009 02:17:35 AM
-- Edited by angelov8 on Tuesday 25th of August 2009 02:20:03 AM
I tried to do step four as an essay question. I wrote about 5 single-spaced computer printed pages just on my resentments, complete with full explanations and analysis. My sponsor flipped through it in about 15 seconds and picked out a couple things... "You have a resentment against your high school history teacher? You think he lays awake at night thinking about you???" etc.
I guess I felt that the 4-column method could never be thorough enough. That was because I was not working the steps, but masturbating them - processed through my own thinking. I was probably sober 5 years before I ever did a 4-column, by-the-book 4th step. Two things were different - I had a friend (not sponsor) who insisted I do it, and I was really weary of self-analysis via mental masturbation. I did the columns thinking what the hell, this is too easy and nothing can come of it, but I did it anyway.
Up until that point, I don't think I had really been ready to go on to step 5, 6, 7. I had tried of course, but I really felt like it made a difference to me. But everybody has their own course, some can do the 4th and get it the first time. But in my usual way I had to explore various wrong ways before doing it as suggested. I guess I gained some valuable experience there to share - and I stayed sober. But I really felt like I had accomplished something after doing it buy the book.
Well sounds like I cannot add to anything that has been said, and you have some worksheets coming your way.
Just triple the vote on doing with Sponsor, and then as Dean said, your Fifth can be done with another, I did that, used a closed trusted Counselor that had 8 years in the Program, he was a fantantic and very trusted professional, and in keeping in the spirit of the Steps, he shared with me, some of his 4th step. Awesome, no longer alone, amazing.
In the 1st Edition of the book "A Gentle path through the Twelve Steps", just prior to the 4th Step, they had the most beautiful poem, about traveling in a desert all alone and scared, and as you continued to walk ,within a far distance you could see water, and when you reached the water, further down, you could see blossoms."
This Poem gave me the courage I needed to plow though and get it done, have done many since, hard work yes, it is never easy, but the knowledge of another deeper still 5th step makes it all so worthwhile.
