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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Feeling clean and sober and at relative peace...sort of.
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling clean and sober and at relative peace...sort of.
Tipsy McStagger


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Feeling clean and sober and at relative peace...sort of.
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I spent the last 3 days with my girlfriend and our dog out in the wilderness at a beautiful lake far away from everything. She convinced me to do this 14 day detoxification cleanse and we thought it would be great to get away from all the temptations of a long weekend in the city for the earlier difficult part of the detox. There was no junk food, no coffee, no cigarettes, no alcohol, ect...all we had was healthy food, purified water, sunshine and a clean, cold Canadian lake to swim in. It was scorching hot without a could in the sky and we were very secluded so I got to run around naked like a fat pink little baby!

I was a little cranky at first, mostly because I was missing the coffee and cigarettes but I had already stopped both a few days before we left so it wasn't too bad...I wasn't completely unbearable to be around. We played with dog, canoed, swam like fishes, hiked and it felt great. I haven't felt that calm or that much at peace in a long, long time. It was an incredible weekend and, in spite of my phobia of bears, I managed to really relax.

When I woke up this morning back at home I still felt extraordinarily peaceful and serene. When I drove my girlfriend to work I didn't swear at other motorists or holler threats to cave in the skulls of cyclists who don't obey the traffic laws. I was as calm as a Hindu cow. So why the hell is the first thought that goes through my mind after kissing my girlfriend goodbye is "Maybe I should get loaded today"? What is wrong with me?













-- Edited by Tipsy McStagger on Tuesday 4th of August 2009 12:40:50 PM

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Mike B.


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RE: Feeling clean and sober and at relative peace...
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Tipsy,
Nice to hear you had a good weekend of peace and serenity. 
____________________________________________
To answer you question:  "Maybe I should get loaded today"? What is wrong with me?

Your an alcoholic(like the rest of us) and in early recovery.  The obession to drink is still there.  It's what you do with that thought that counts....
Cut yourselve some slack... if your like me I would get angry that I even had the thought....  It's normal early on.  It's o.k.

Have you gotten to a meeting lately?  Today?  Early on if I didn't hit a meeting atleast every other day I started to feel squirrely(sp?)


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Doll


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RE: Feeling clean and sober and at relative peace...sort of.
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Girlfriend???? Dang! I was gone longer than I thought. I thought you had a wife?! Sheesh!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Even if you don't get AA, hang around long enough and AA will eventually get you"

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turninggrey


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That yearning to drink is a "self test" of your emergency broadcasting system. This is only a test. In the event of an actual emergency, you will be directed to return to the cold lake in Canada, where you will splash around with your dog. I will get those "self tests" on occasion when I do not keep my spirituality up. To me, that is the trick of AA. It sounds like you came in touch with some aspect of your HP in the hot sun and cleaness of nature. I know you indicated you were having trouble finding your HP. Maybe this trip was your HP's way of trying to whisper to you that you can find Him in nature and you need to shift your life in that direction to stay sober.
I hope I do not knock this HP thing to pieces for you, but I really suggest you look at the "Little Book" or what is called the "24 hours a day" book.  Amazingly, todays meditation seems to be speaking to you.

Meditation for the Day
"And this is life eternal, that they may know Thee." It is the flow of life eternal through spirit, mind, and body that cleanses, heals, restores, and renews. Seek conscious contact with God more and more each day. Make God an abiding presence during the day. Be conscious of His spirit helping you. All that is done without God's spirit is passing. All that is done with God's spirit is life eternal."


You can insert your own words and concepts for God into this meditation.  Just muscle through the "self test" by promising yourself another trip to the lake soon.  Here's a link to the online daily at Hazeldon:
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1901






-- Edited by turninggrey on Tuesday 4th of August 2009 03:59:37 PM

-- Edited by turninggrey on Tuesday 4th of August 2009 08:25:36 PM

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toni baloney


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Hi Tipsy,

So good to hear about that time away. Sounds like just what was needed.

And about that thought, we are never responsible for our first thoughts, only our actions after the thought.

You could try talking back to that thought, for example "Thanks for sharing, remind me tomorrow, and if you did that everytime, it would put that thought into the next day, and that "Next day" never comes, we are always only in the day we are in, right?

You are not mentioning the AA Meetings, what is your thinking on that???? Are you feeling some fear around going, like it was the meetings themselves that made you go back out. I recall you mentioning how you would sit in the meetings, grumble, and think negative thoughts, right.

You were mentioning to someone that you had so many relapses, you lost count, that is what I did too. I had so many judgements, siitting in silence, and would feel these metings were not for me. Just like trying to fit a sqare into a circle. Then when my disease was taking me to a place, where I had lost the ability to choose, that is when AA starting looking so much more attractive. and I began, this time, no judgements, just not wanting the Disease that we share to take my life. and I would sit there, and listen, and be grafeful that I made it back. Those writings on the wall all look like they were written in Greek, and if was only when I found a Sponsor that could help me see that they were not in fact Greek, they were, the way up and out of the Disease.

I hope so much that sooner than later, you are given the Gift of Desperation, that was the turning point.

Hugs and so happy that just for today you are feeling ok. You sound so different than you did just a few days ago, close your eyes and try to imagine that the "relative peace you are feeling will only get better, it does Tipsy.

Hugs and again so happy to see you today!!!!!

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pinkchip


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We all have obsessive thoughts Tipsy. That is a large part of what made us alcoholics. That thought "Maybe I should get loaded" is going to come back to you because we/I used to drink when I felt good, bad, happy, sad, jealous, angry, to reward myself, to sooth myself, to celebrate, and to commiserate. Pretty much all feelings other than that peaceful and serene feeling you had at the lake can have the power to trigger a thought about drinking (especially at first). I agree with Dave that the experience you had in nature could be your higher power at work...that is not to say go move out into the woods pronto, but rather, you got a taste of the spiritual condition that you are striving for and that is a key element to the program. Naturally, when you have to go back to reality after having a trip or experience like that which is peaceful and spiritual, you would be prone to the old thoughts coming back. That's why the 11th step calls for you to maintain conscious contact with the HP of your understanding. You can bring that peaceful feeling into your daily life and just like drinking and all those unhealthy things were not on your mind while you were on that trip, you can have that near you and use it as a tool to guide you through sobriety. I hope that makes some sense. Tipsy, this site is called Miracles in Progress. Perhaps God showed you something on that trip...something about the miracles around you so that you could see you are a miracle too and how wonderful life can be sober. Anyhow, spiritual progress is what it's about and your story sounded like you made some. You will find it in meetings, with the right sponsor, and the steps if you choose to as well.

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jonijoni1


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Tipsy,
It sounds like you had a DREAM vacation to me. Wonderful. And you seem to have someone who is supportive by your side as well. How lucky you are.

And I had thought you were Brittish! I see now, Canadian, right?

Anyway, aside from a definite NEED for meetings, I wanted to make a small suggestion. Are you creative? Art, music, writing, computer stuff? If you are (and I don't know why I suspect you are?), then start creating while you have this precious time to yourself. I know that when idle, in between meetings, was when I was most at risk. Especially when not working, I revisited old hobbies and it enriched my early sobriety so much. Find something interesting to get yourself into when you are not at meetings. It can keep that idle mind busy in positive ways.

Take care and thank you for sharing your lovely trip with us!

Joni

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StPeteDean


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sounds good TM, hold on to that feeling smile.gif

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