I realize that if I'm going to actually "work the program" I'm going to have to make amends with people (regardless of how much of an asshole they were) but there's one issue that I just can't get over until I dish out a little retribution.
I know this may sound like I'm being facetious but I'm not. If our resentments can drive us back to the bottle wouldn't it make sense to have some of the old issues dealt with?
It's not like I'm planning to kill anybody...I just want to ruin his life. Trust me, he deserves it.
Now I am going to quote you, I asked you last week if going back to drinking had anything to do with a resentment, and you answered with:
"I wish it was something as interesting as a resentment but unfortunately it's just boring old forgetfulness. A little time goes buy and I forget the misery and that I'm a "problem drinker" and before I know it I'm a stumblebumpisspot again"
BUSTED!
"If anyone ever really hurts you, the truth is "It's on THEM" That has always been a TRUISM, so you end up with the pain in the end.
We all come in with preceived resentments, but AA taught me how to deal with those things and switch my focus to only my own side of the Street... where I had harmed anyone. That is where working the Steps comes in to play.
So my big recommendation would be....put that resentment in a baloon, send it up in the sky and watch it go away. Keep a string on it, and after you get into the Program, pull it back into your reach, and talk about it at a meeting, and mostly with a new Sponsor.
Resentments are the number one Killer in this Program.
What I learned was that my biggest ever resentments were at myself, you could not see them, but I walked into my first year of meetings, with these volumes of Self Hatred, that were so heavy. Before really getting into AA, no one could ever see them, including myself most of the time. I covered them with masks of Self confidence, Arrogance, self assuredness, I had a closet full of masks, and to the outside world never went out without one on. I recall clearly how I would drink, find a mask for the occasion and then go out in the big world.
And the AA meetings and a Sponsor, and in the Steps, that was the biggy for me. Slowly when I stopped and used everything I could to get to a place where my self hatred had to go, if I wanted to feel any peace of mind ever, and Tipsy it really does happen, if it did not for many of us, we would not have been able to ever continue to not drink, one day at a time.
Getting in the Program and staying in it, was like going to a new School and I had to be willing to be the Student. And I had to sit and listen, just like any classroom, and learn.
So just like putting that proverbial Plug in the Jug. Maybe you could find another cork, and put a Plug in that resentment too, that is if the baloon theory does not work for you.
Hope you have a good day and wishing you well in that first "going back" meeting.
Yes, Tips.. You need to take your sneakers out of your ears & put them in your mouth, where they usually go lol Resentment is the number one offender. The grouch & the brainstorm are not for us ;) Goodluck in your program. As funny as you are I do love your sweetness when you're serene.
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
When I got to surrender it was absolutely. So I came back in without any bagage left over from the first trip back out. I had to make a decision...was I going to work "the" program of AA or "my" program. Had I any preconceived notions of getting away with just one more spiteful hit, I didn't follow up on it. Some people just don't have anymore room to fool around with when they get in recovery. I'm glad one of those was me. Try taking the first 90 days as serious as you do the desire to get wasted. See if you still want to do the "payback" thingy after the first 90 days of daily meetings.
Revenge just makes you feel crappier about yourself when you already don't feel good about yourself anyhow. The best revenge is to live a happy life and forget about the other person if you can. Nobody deserves to have their "life ruined." If you take a look at the offending parties in most circumstances, their lives are already shitty and they are already reaping their own consequences on a daily basis just because they act like a bad person. Taking my current situation....I could seek some sort of revenge on my cheating now-exboyfriend, but what good would it do? It would make an ugly situation worse. It would keep me having contact with someone that can only drag me down. Plus...I'm sober and in time can move on while he is still an untrustworthy, lying, cheater who can't have any lasting relationship because of his apparent sex addiction. Whatever. I deserve better than to mess with people like that and you deserve better than to try and get revenge on any asshole that bothered you.
With a resentment sometimes it helps to ask "Would I want to be this person?" Nearly all of the time, the answer is No, and when you think about that you realize you don't want to be them because they are a dick or a loser anyhow and you don't need to do anything to prove it, change it, or react to it.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
what the hell is wrong with you??? "Before I come back to AA".... you are STILL AA, no matter how many times you have gone back out and tried to pretend you are not! You are AA, just not getting it right now. AA is not going to leave your mind or heart until you have succeeded in working the program one day at a time. AA is not going to leave you until you get it, or get locked up or covered up.
If you want to do something that will cause you MORE pain and trouble, go right ahead. You are a glutton for punishment, my friend.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I know you're right and it was a foolish question to ask, but what can I say, sometimes I think foolish things. Thankfully I have AA brothers and sisters like you fine people to verbally tear me a new corn shoot every now and then :)
I like to think these avatars are really actually him. They make me feel good about myself. And don't say it really is you tipsy because I can't fathom what the girlfriend would look like to this and your last avatar.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
