Just A Little Jaded

RicksWorld · Newbie

Just A Little Jaded

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Rick, why don't you copy and paste your writing here, so we can see and respond?

And by the way, Welcome to MIP.

Joni

RicksWorld · Newbie

Just a Little Jaded

The following post is in memory of "Lou". "Lou" attended AA meetings here, and had almost as much sobriety time as myself. He had heart problems, and he passed away last week. A few months ago I fixed his printer (installed ink cartridges) and the following day he presented me with the picture below as a gift. Rest in Peace, Lou, and may God be with you always.

Usually I'm pretty upbeat about things, and I see the good in people and in situations. This weekend I'm having a hard time doing that. Maybe you can help me sort things out. I have plenty of time.....all weekend to be more precise...after all, I'm sitting at home while everyone else is at the lake for an annual AA campout this weekend. I wasn't invited, and don't have a vehicle, tent, sleeping bag, or a yacht, or the money for a campsite or other things that I would need. My wife doesn't like camping, anyway....(we're separated for now) But it would have been nice to be invited, anyway, by someone who has been there before. I was kind of looking forward to going, I guess I assumed someone would offer. I was hoping to maybe get to see or ride on one of these boats I've been hearing about for 5 months.
Oh well, maybe one of the persons on one of the boats will have the time to fix the ankle bracelet I bought for my wife that broke, and is getting fixed............??
I guess maybe it just wasn't God's will for me to go? After all, I pray for His will in my life daily. Should I just accept it for that?

Is it because I don't have any money to offer to people this month? The silver lining in this cloud is that I bought a plane ticket for next month to see my daughter in Texas who I haven't seen in 20 years. The downside is that it took all the money I had, whereas normally I could be generous to people here, and be surrounded with "friends".
When the money runs out you really find out who your friends are. Easier to just be deluded and not let the money run out. Brings a saying of my wife's to mind..."No good deed goes unpunished".

Is it because I have hiv/hcv, and people are afraid of getting bitten by the same mosquito? Or is there some unwritten rule that precludes someone like me from being a part of? Is it the small-town mentality thing? Is this why my other friend who has hiv and about 8 years sober quit going to this place? Was she right?

Perhaps I've been out of circulation for too long. Over the years that I've been away from the social circles, have people changed, or are they the same as they have always been? Are people basically good, or is it really that people are only out for whatever they can get? Am I outgrowing my counterparts? Is this thing called "Recovery" really real, or is it just a way of switching from alcohol to some other addiction or "high", whether it be marijuana, gambling, pain-killers, pornography, sex, etc?

A couple of beers or a joint and I could fit right in. My social inhibitions would be gone, my quietness would disappear and I'd be able to talk about anything. How do I live life like this? The only "serenity" I'm finding is when it's just God, me and my dog. We have nonverbal communication.

Is this thing called a "higher power" or God to be taken seriously, or is it ok if a doorknob is your "higher power" as long as you don't mention God or The Bible? Nobody will take offense if you tell them your higher power is a doorknob, but they sure do take offense if you mention The Bible.

Is "living right" just a dream?

Is there such a thing as a meaningful conversation? Does every topic have to be about who is screwing who, or the latest gossip that has no basis in truth, or talking about someone's breasts, ass, or penis,? Does the sum of a meaningful conversation involve me listening ad nauseum while someone endlessly brags about themselves, nodding intently as if I actually believe them, not daring to think I have something worthwhile to say, for if I open my mouth, it is only to be instantly cut off by yet more bragging? Sad but true, this is what many of my daily conversations entail.

I've always thrived on positive support, and I guess I'm seeing how much I really need it in my life. Right now I'm not finding it. It seems like my purpose now is to feed other people's egos, while they suck any bit of positive energy I have right out of me. I'm so tired of feeding other people's egos, though. I just don't have it in me any more.

I guess it's too much to expect people to be real, be honest, have any moral values,
etc. Where is this "new way of life"?

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

A few things Rick. I keep getting reminded that "time takes time." 5 months sober is a great accomplishment, but not enough time to really see and feel everything recovery has to offer you. In terms of having HIV, I am part of a fellowship where probably over a quarter of the people in it have HIV. They live with it and live happy. I would like to believe nobody is that ignorant anymore these days to shun people with HIV. I truly think it's your issue to work out. One thing about fellowship is that you really have to put yourself out there and take that leap. The phone works both ways. You have to call people and ask for their numbers. Nobody in AA wants your money. If you had called 1 person (or maybe a couple) and said "Hey I really want to go to that function, but I can't afford it and don't have a ride," it would have happened. Sometimes you have to invite yourself even though you feel like a loser (at first) going "what are you guys doing? can I come?" The worst place for us to be is in our heads just making up stuff to feel bad about. The death of your friend is something real to mourn, but the rest is just things that you are putting your own spin on. I do that too so I'm certainly not judging you. One suggestion here that might help you get over some of what seems to be going on in your head. Do service. That is the best way to automatically be part of and to start feeling more worthy. You have 5 months of sobriety. I now have 10 and 5 months is when I just inherently sort of knew I needed to start doing service or I would fall into a trap of being on the fringes of AA instead of in the center of it where I needed to be and continue to need to be. You worked hard for this 5 months of sobriety, it is an achievement and now you can start helping others who have less time than you.

Reffner · Senior Member

Congrats on 5 months Rick. I know it's not always been the easiest thing to do, but your still sober today. I've experienced the same feelings your having, so I can relate. I shared with some people and ask them to be honest with me and help me understand why I was feeling so low, and what they said was hard to swallow, but I needed to hear it and it was true. They simply told me to get off my pitty pot and do something about it. In the past I always felt like the world wasn't being fair to me, and I deserved so much more than the hand I was dealt. I was reminded that the only way to change that was to look at myself honestly, and take action to change. The only thing I can change is myself, and I was so tired of feeling like garbage that I decided to just feel good about myself and believe that God has his own plan for my life. Like I've heard so many times before, "God don't make no junk", and today I believe that. Your doing the right thing by sharing and being honest with your feelings. Keep the faith, and take it easy on yourself.

God bless... Brian

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Hi Rick, and welcome. And let me add my congratulations on 5 months!

I liked what both pinkchip and reffner had to say.

So much of this program relies on ACTION, not just working the steps or getting our butts to meetings. I found that at times in recovery, when I felt negative or depressed or fed up witht he whole thing, those are times I need to get BUSY. For me, inaction allows for the stinking thinking to keep re-appearing. I can stay one step ahead of it by refusing to assume what others are thinking and believing, and just get busy living sober.

There have been times when I did not like certain meetings or certain "groups"of folks in AA, for whatever reason. I was told to just look in the meeting schedule and find another meeting to go to. And that the bottom line was that I needed to actively look for ways I was SIMILAR to others at the meetings, and stop looking for ways I was different.

Another thing, if you were not sober when you were diagnosed with HIV, perhaps you should talk it out with a counselor, so you can come to terms with it sober? There were life-altering things that happened to me when I was not sober, and years later I had to go back and re-visit with a counselor, and finally accept and move on. Because while I was on alcohol adn drugs, I did not truly cope with things, I just covered them up.

Glad to see you here, keep us updated, and again, welcome!

Joni

FlyingSquirrel · Senior Member

Hey, Rick. Sounds like you have a ton of questions and not many answers. I don't have many for you either, I have just a bit over 5 months myself and just takin' it one day at a time. I do have a little book of AA sayings called "My Mind Is Out To Get Me, so without further ado, here are a few bits of the wisdom of the ages (?), hope some of them can help you:

If I don't drink today, more will be revealed.

When I don't have expectations of others, anything positive they do is a pleasant surprise.

People, places and things exist whether I choose to accept them or not. The only choice I have about acceptance is to be either grateful or miserable.

It's not what happens to you but how you perceive it.

Happiness is an inside job.

Platitudes can help your attitudes.

There's nothing wrong with pursuing happiness, just don't get angry if it eludes you.

When I have a dollar more than what I need, I'm rich. Before I quit drinking, I was always a dollar short.

Any excuse for a drink is as good as any excuse for a drink.

God can't hand you anything new until you let go of what you're holding.

The bad news: Nobody is coming to rescue you. The good news: You can save yourself.

About AA -- I didn't like it, I didn't believe it, and it worked.

If I had waited to be happy until I was well, I would still be sick.

Things aren't any different anywhere you go.

Stop looking for the bad news after the good news.

Sometimes you just have to wait.

If you pray for a Cadillac and God sends a jackass, ride it.

Everything you do is a step toward recovery or a step toward relapse.

Think about your thinking.

The race is often won not by the swiftest, but by the person who manages to keep running.

Gratitude is the streetcar to a better attitude.

Happiness doesn't come from getting what we want, but from enjoying what we have.

Alcoholics are all from the same nut tree.

I didn't get what I wanted from AA; I got what I needed.

Good luck!

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, Rick. Well Done in 5mths! My suspicion was that in early recovery you may be susceptible to your worst fears & usually if how we're feeling that others are thinking of us is negative my experience is that truly it's my own worst thoughts & fears about myself. It's part of my illness to tend towards darkness & self-defeating beliefs. I can still suffer Today. In fact, I have been & I have to be careful not to self-sabotage becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. 'As I give to the world so it will give to me'.

I have to be careful to share my fears & negative thinking with my Sponsor who loves me unconditionally & is always sure to restore my negative fantasies of assuming the worst about other's thoughts & feelings towards me back to the reality of not actually being able to know what others thoughts & feelings are towards me. Quite often they are my own worst imaginings because I have the deeprunning defect on a bad day of vehemently hating myself.

Thank you for sharing your post with us. I needed to respond with what I'm sharing here because it is me who suffers the most if I allow myself to succomb to fearful thinking which I have alot lately. I'm looking forward to sharing with my Sponsor & getting all this crap off my chest & out of my head. I love my Sponsor & how her wisdom of the program can help restore me to sanity. I have to say that when she gently & firmly sets me straight I am actually grateful & find being wrong a real pleasure lol Maybe the only time I enjoy it.

I know I need to work harder on my surrender to my Higher Power so that I ask more & more often to have such defects removed but I am learning that sometimes it is all I can do but to ask & be willing. It is upto my HP when & how it will be removed. Until then I have to keep being honest about myself to another human being & break my isolation. I am not alone. You are not alone. As your recovery deepens & broadens you will find your world continuing to change. Keep coming back. It does continue to get better! Love & fellowship, Danielle x

Ps. I love this!! *If I had waited to be happy until I was well, I would still be sick.*

Made me laugh & giggle out loud. I have been feeling sick lol

RicksWorld · Newbie

Thank You all for the words that I needed to hear. After some reflection and a few days of cooling, I think that some of it has been just in my head, or my perception of things.
I really hate to ask anyone for anything, and I guess I felt that if I was wanted, I would have been invited. No matter what, letting it take up space in my head or having ill feelings about it will only waste time and not be healthy for me at all.
I'm still a little confused about it all but there's really nothing I can do about it so why let it bother me. I do recognize that it is a part of my sickness, and I tend to internalize things and be overly sensitive at times. The only way I know to overcome this is like you all said, to get busy doing something, like service work. Get out of myself and out of my head. My own head is my worst enemy sometimes.
I'm at Step 8, I've done the previous steps as thoroughly as I know how, now it is time for me to make a list of all persons I have harmed and become willing to make amends to them. I'm dragging my feet on this one for about a month for some reason. I say the 3rd step prayer and the 7th step prayer in the mornings, but I think I plateaued there. Maybe getting off my ass and getting this list written will help things.
I have a good sponsor with 6 yrs sobriety, he's just pretty busy most of the time, and out of town at the moment.
Thank You for all the advice, and for bearing with me while I learn some more about myself.