I have had a very busy day, one of those where I am now bone tired. I was a hostess at a double baby shower this morning, that was fun. Then went out to a Car show and swap meet. Walked around looking at cars, visited with people I've known all of my life, I grew up in this town.Sat and talked to a friend that had a booth at the meet,ate great food,listened to a wonderful young band that was playing old 60's, 70's and 80's music, it was fun, the cars were awesome.
But...Here's the but, I was sooooo lonely. I kept thinking to myself, how can you feel like this in this crowd of people.But you know it was the same way I felt many times sitting in a bar,drinking and trying to find happiness. I want to say it's because things have been so awful between my husband and I but I know that isn't the reason. If he would have been there I still would have felt lonely and might have been angry also.
So tonight as I sat at the meeting I go to on Sat. night, it was like God told me I need to do some serious writing about how I'm feeling, do an inventory, maybe a 4th Step. I know that when I'm feeling uncomfortable it is always about me and not someone else. I will accept where I am today, I have too , if I don't I'm not facing the truth, I'm denying who I am today and where I need to be going.
I thank God I'm sober today, I am saner than I was a few hours ago,and I have done my best in what I did today.
I hope you all have a peaceful night. I'm on my way to bed and I don't feel lonley anymore.
Hi Gammy. Ive had those feelings that you describe. I think we all have had them at one time or another.
I remember the anger at expectatons not being met. --the wonderment of what tomorrow was going to bring--the regrets from the past, and asking myself what the "H" happened, and just feeling down and alone. Feeling like a failure-no self esteem--ohhhh the list was a big one. Isolation into myself. Depression. Dont know if you felt as bad as some of these things but--oh yaa-Ive been there. Just feeling kinda lost.
Its not a fun place to be. You are in my prayers my freind. There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Some are longer than others.
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
My sponsor gave me a solution for depression and emotional suppression quite a few years ago, which I've used many times since then and have always found it helpful. I forget to use it sometimes and spend days feeling 'out of whack' before I remember it's there waiting for me to do at any moment.
Take an emotional bankruptcy inventory (with a pen and paper) and note all areas that need topping up... ask yourself what you need to feel fullfilled...what you are feeling short of...
Mine usually starts with patience, and if I'm really partying in my own pity (You know...when it feels like the whole world is just plain nasty..), I will add things like understanding, generosity, kindness, hugs etc. Sometimes its not just emotional, sometimes its practical stuff too, like time or money that I need...but you get the idea?
...Just throwing them in to get you started.
I'll check back in tomorrow (which could be tonight for you?) and if you want to give it a whirl - let me know how many things you found needed topping up, I'll let you know what to do next with it.
Thanks Nic, The inventory I was talking about is much like the one you are talking about.It just helps me to put it all down on paper so I can see just exactly where I'm at this day and moment.I have worked on it today, called my sponsor, talked to her for awhile, she lets you sit on the pity pot for about 3 minutes, then says get up and move on. Always does me good to talk to her.What is your suggestion on what to do after I have my list.
All is well on the farm. Been extending the fences of the poultry pens over the last couple of days, as the birds keep coming over to "chat" in the house yard (and eat my seedlings while they are here.)
The basic premise behind my sponsors kick in the buttocks was Offer what you want.So, the first thing to do with your list once you've numbered it, is resist the temptation to read over it and put it away! Begin today by offering the first thing you have on the list. With each new day you add the next thing you need (not swap it for the next one, add it) so that you are eventually offering all that you need, learning to identify your gifts, and recognising how others communicate the same things (often differently).
I've always found it turns things around pretty quickly. I just have to remember to do it, cos its easy to just enjoy a mopey day, sometimes isn't ? If the mopes last too long though, or life really is getting you down for a bit too long, and we begin doubting ourselves and those around us, its definately worth a try.
