When I attended over 10 years of meetings, five days a week in this one small room, I learned so very much and something still stands out so clealy to me, feels like it was learned as in a classroom, and the theme many times was How to handle Conflict, or very fearful events.
And the general concensus, the whole room tended to agree, that Always pausing, taking a step back, even when the body does not want to do that..... or run the other way...Was this:
ALWAYS..... DO THE LOVING THING.........and it has been a while since sitting in that little room that I will always miss, moved out of that area, still I am reminded by what was taught to me there, be kind, no matter what, and when responding, the above, always be loving with any response.
Dont know if this Post made a whole bunch of sense, but it did to me.
So would love to hear any responses, that are the same, or different.
Hope all are having a wonderful Tuesday!!!
Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 08:01:20 PM
Personally, I don't get involved in much conflict. I do voice my opinion, but I also appreciate and take in the other person's opinion. If they conflict, so be it, I don't get angry.. If the other person get's angry, haha @ them! if they become physical, that's another thing! I'll try to avoid the fight, but I'll trigger to defend myself faster than my drinking triggers lol.
All in all, I agree with you. If you're always nice, why would anyone be mean? Unless their hater's, but those you can always do without.
Ty
EDIT -
That is on my sober behalf, now on my drunken behalf, lol.. who knows! LOLL
-- Edited by BeerIsMyPoison on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 09:13:10 PM
I try to remember to keep emotions out of it and look quickly for a solution. If there is a deficiency on my part I remove it (or correct it) as quickly as possible and ask for my reasonable needs to be met. I look for a compromise that offers a "win-win" outcome even if I've got to give up a little. I try to avoid reacting, blaming, and trying to establish that I'm right. And if the other person is totally unreasonable and acting badly, I get away from them and weigh my options with mentors or wise council and consider doing what they suggest. Often times that doing nothing at all.
I cant aford conflict '' I try and mind my own bussiness ,not saying it can't happen . Thoes who anger us control us '' i must really love that person because i am thinking about them alot ,,something my sponcer use to remind me of .
I mean everybody has a right to there own opinion ' and somtimes i might learn a thing or two ,, Thanks Toni
I used to be passive aggressive in every situation. I would back off of it in person most of the time, then talk smack about the person behind their back while feeling like crap and being resentful myself. Now, I still have the passive aggressive in me and I catch myself doing that. Thankfully, I am not such a bitter person (even after just a short time in AA) these days. I am quicker to just blow off meaningless conflict....especially at work. In AA, I get reminded quickly that I should ignore any conflict that's not in my "hoola hoop." Otherwise, I handle conflict assertively at times....but more often I just let the other person rant and then forget about it. Still have the passive-aggressive thing going at times...which is when I don't speak up about the conflict and make sniping sarcastic comments to hurt the other person. I don't bitterly complain about others behind their back for the most part any more. The worst person to person conflict I've had in the last few months was one I shared on here about my sponsor. I handled that by being aggressive at first. Then after I calmed down I did seek out advice from mentors and elders (some of them here and some from the rooms) and I apologized for my part of the conflict and let the situation resolve itself.
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Petty stuff like personality conflicts at meetings, I ignore as best I can (which works pretty well, actually.) The people I like I tend to really like a lot, and the people I don't like I tend to avoid if I can or have as little contact as possible with. That's just me- been like that a long time.
I pick my battles wisely, let a ton of stuff slide thinking to myself that people are people and we're all fallible, we all make mistakes. But conversely- when I feel like someone is taking advantage of that practice and being an ass just because they know everyone will let them slide, I sometimes choose to call them on their bullshit. I try to be nice, though sometimes that has a lot to do with how they react. Sometimes I feel like an ass about it and wish I'd just left it alone, other times I don't. Depends on the situation.
Other more serious conflict: out on the street if I see someone harassing someone smaller than them or more or less defenseless, I will step in. It's my nature. There are a lot of people here with drug and mental health issues, and I draw the line when they are scaring women and children. To me it's just a matter of making a fast judgment call and acting on what I feel is right.
I saw a man beating a woman with a cane on my way into a meeting once. That was so messed up. I thought I was on dateline. I think I pulled out my cell phone and made it pretty clear I was dialing the police. The guy screamed something like "go ahead, call the cops!" They were both clearly intoxicated...which is why TLH's post reminded me of this. Eitherway, I said "I am calling the police." Then he left. I went up to the woman and asked if she was okay and if she needed anything. She said she was fine and said something like "as long as that @#$% leaves me alone!" I can't remember if I helped any more than that. I think that was the end of it. The guy left before I actually did wind up calling the police. I'm glad I didn't just ignore the whole thing though. I could have been more helpful and assertive and I could have been less. Shrug.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Pinkchip, I've done the same thing a couple times before and had both the guy and girl he was beating on told me to **** off and mind own business. One time I grabbed the guy to pull him off the girl and the girl then jumped on my back and started hitting me. I began to understand the saying "No good deed goes unpunished".
Be careful out there
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 9th of July 2009 10:41:36 AM
Well this sort of relates...a little....But once I was driving in a very crowded traffic, in very heavy rain as it was approaching Golden Gate Park, and I saw a woman that had fallen, and was laying all blooded up. So my instincts took over, I stopped my car, grabbed whatever I could to cover this woman with (which were by the way, some new drapes that my new mother in law had just given me, and I was taking them back home) When I got out of my car, I of course had stopped a lot of traffic, and am thinking that maybe they could not see the woman, I then asked a man in a car next to me to call an abulance, which he was kind enough to do so. But what horrified me, to this day, it creeps me out how all the horns started blasting away, and then came all the four letter, "Get your F----car out of the Street, you f---- moron!. The ambulance came, took the lady to some hospital, with the drape too, when I got into my car and drove away, felt like a riot was just about to happen. Horns blasting, people screaming at me. Yicks is all I have to say to that. and to top that off, even my own mother in law was FURIOUS that I had just left them with the woman.
Well it did not matter really, I knew that what I did was the next right thing to do. But how true, "no good deed, goes unpunished", Thanks Dean, never really thought about that til this morning.
Hugs to all of you!
Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Thursday 9th of July 2009 11:43:40 AM
I like this topic. It is a very real thing that I have tried to learn to do. I am thinking more in terms of like family stuff and work stuff, rather than with people doing serious harm to eachother.
I tend to do nothing, try to ignore what is going on around me, and if someone's feelings are hurt, I try to console them after the fact. When the conflict is aimed at me, I stuff it. Don't know which is worse, stuffing it or exploding. LOL
A girl at work who has been there at the front desk for a year now, is picked on in secret by others at work. She is sooo nice!! I can't understand it, she is pretty, nice, works hard, kinda shy, but very very very nice. Since baing back at the "other office" now, I have gone to lunch with her, and made an effort to talk to her. I am hoping that, since I get along well with everyone else there, that maybe others will see how petty they have been. Who knows though, it's a nice effort, but I can't put expectations on the outcome, can I. I insist on being nice and making friends with the underdog though.
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kotz, I have to politely disagree here, (only for myself) as I believe that I have to know which conflicts are mine to "fix", and which aren't. I don't have to own everything today. I have had to learn how to be still at times, and let the source of conflicts and other people resolve themselves at times. Just my little opinion, and life as I see it, and considering that I might not have all the answers, either.
:o)
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Russell
