Hi i'm new here and need some help. Ive just found out my boyfriend is a binge drinker, it's been happening for the last 10 years. He's just come back from a 7 day binge and i'm not sure how to handle the situation. It's a pretty new relationship and i've just found out from his parents that he has suffered with depression for years and i'm wondering if it's a certain trigger that sets him off. He doesn't drink normally, but something sets him off every few months. Sometimes he can go 6 months without a drink. I'm at a loss as to what to say to him or how to handle the situation.
Run Forest Run! Why would you cling to a new relationship to an obviously sick person? You can Not fix this person and he has a 1 in 20 chance of fixing himself (through a recovery program) if he tries to. Ask yourself why you are attracted to an alcoholic?
Agree with Dean 2000%, Alcoholics have different types to them, and a Binge drinker is just a type of an Alcoholic.
As far as that info from his parents, depression, "triggers", (By the way Alcohol is a major depressant) sounds like they do not understand the Disease of Alcoholism either.
Any and all alcoholics drinks for ONLY one reason, because they have a Disease called Alcoholism..
Alcoholism has been accepted and claimed by the American Medical Association to be a Disease. Like Cancer, or any other life threatening Disease.
The treatment is abstenance and a lot of difficult work, and AA are rooms full of people that "cannot not drink" but with the AA Program, which is a Program of ACTION. These same folks stop drinking one day at a time, and stay "stopped" with the working of this Program, one day at a time.
And as you said this is a new relationship, and he does not even know he has a Disease called Alcoholism.
There is not a thing you can do to 'Fix" this person, he has to want to stop, on his own, and has to have some sort of bottoming out in this disease to get to that point, but only if is one of the twenty that Dean is referring to.
Feel for you dear, but finding a loving and fast way out of this new relationship might be the best gift you could give yourself.
Also, you could go "next door" to the Alanon site, and ask these questions.
Wishing you the best,
Toni, a recoverying true blue Alcoholic, that has used the AA Program, and all that goes with it, and have stayed sober for almost 19 years, with God' Help, that is.
Come back will you and let us know how this very confusing relationship resolves itself. ok??
First and foremost!!! Take care of you Holly!!!!
Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Monday 6th of July 2009 04:50:04 PM
You have to look at it realistically. His parent's have known about this for 10 years. Over those years, his parent's(and other's) have tried numerous times to help him. It may continue to be an ongoing problem. I'm not saying you can't sit down with him, and tell him your thoughts, but also don't just turn your back on him because as you were told, his depression is his trigger. Well, you just up and leaving may be the CANNON!
Take things slow, as you said, it's a new relationship. Love isn't a race to the finish, it's a marathon of romance. OoOo that was smooth!
Hi i'm new here and need some help. Ive just found out my boyfriend is a binge drinker, it's been happening for the last 10 years. He's just come back from a 7 day binge and i'm not sure how to handle the situation. It's a pretty new relationship and i've just found out from his parents that he has suffered with depression for years and i'm wondering if it's a certain trigger that sets him off. He doesn't drink normally, but something sets him off every few months. Sometimes he can go 6 months without a drink. I'm at a loss as to what to say to him or how to handle the situation.
You're basically describing me, before I got my DUI. Except that I didn't usually go more than about a month without a drink, but early on in my drinking career I could go 6 months. So let's see, would I advise you to dump me?
Hmmm.
Yes, I think I would. Because you sure as heck wouldn't be able to help me with my depression. You wouldn't be able to convince me I had a problem with alcohol and needed any help. I would just drag you down into my deep blue funk and you'd feel awful and helpless. Oh wait, that's what happened with me and my wife.
My wife and I still communicate daily even though we've been separated for 10 months, and I am still hopeful that she will eventually discover that she also has a problem with alcohol, and be willing to do something about it. I feel like I am meant to stay in this relationship until she either does that, or decides to leave me. But that is my own personal decision, and it sure ain't an easy one to uphold. Also my depression has not completely left me. (I haven't been through the steps with my sponsor yet, so there's hope!)
So, I guess if you really love him and think this was meant to be, maybe it is. But you'd better be prepared to spend years and years waiting for him to finally wake up and smell the coffee, if he ever does. (And deal with the psychotic things he will do while drunk, like perhaps jump out of your car while it's moving when he's at the height of a depressive episode thanks to alcohol).
Good luck!
Glenn
-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Monday 6th of July 2009 06:15:43 PM
I'm not saying you can't sit down with him, and tell him your thoughts, but also don't just turn your back on him because as you were told, his depression is his trigger. Well, you just up and leaving may be the CANNON!
Take things slow, as you said, it's a new relationship. Love isn't a race to the finish, it's a marathon of romance. OoOo that was smooth!
No one said for her to turn her back on him and he was a "Cannon" before she met him. He needs to get a life and his parents are probably Major enablers, that are killing him by not letting him hit bottom, which is extremely typical. My opening remark was a wakeup call. It's very hard to get sober and imo 10 times harder to do it from within a new relationship. Also Relationships ARE triggers, to an alcoholic to drink and otherwise self destruct. They aren't equipped emotionally to handle relationships, generally, and the perceived abandonment that they will perpetuate because of their drinking. So staying in a new (or established) relationship with an alcoholic will be a major obstacle to their getting sober and will Cause them to drink. Leaving with an explanation is the best thing for both parties. There is no future with a practicing alcoholic, it's only going to get worse and you're volunteering for a whole lot of abuse and it's likely a dangerous undertaking.
You are not responsible for that person, his depression, and subsequent action towards himself and others. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and You definitely Can't Cure it with love or anything else. Leave while you can. This is not some project of a human that you can "make something out of". It's a sick person that you found that you could easily start a relationship with. Go find someone healthier to play with.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 05:38:46 AM
It's impossible for me leave now, we've been together 5 months and i'm in too deep. One thing i have going is i was a drug addict 20 years ago so kind of know what he's going through. We had a good chat yesterday and he opened up to me about everything, something he's not able to do with his parents or counselor because they havn't been through the same thing. I understand depression.....the anxiety....etc but i also understand i can only help him if he wants my help and he says he does. He doesn't like what he's doing to himself, he knows he's hurting everyone around him and himself. He really does want to sort himself out. Ive talked him into ringing a new counselor this morning which he has done now....so fingers crossed this might be the first step for him, as ive told him...........little steps. Ive also given him other advice on managing his depression and anxiety. He seems alot happier after talking to me and being able to get things out of his head. I'm here for him 100% I know things can turn around.........I did it and have been clean 20 years this July.
It's impossible for me leave now, we've been together 5 months and i'm in too deep. One thing i have going is i was a drug addict 20 years ago so kind of know what he's going through. I'm here for him 100% I know things can turn around.........I did it and have been clean 20 years this July.
It's never "impossible" to leave, but of course codependents do have trouble ending relationships. It really doesn't matter what you have going for you in regards to his recovery because this is not a team project. He has to walk the walk alone just like everyone else does. I'm not saying that he can't do it while in a relationship, just that it's a lot more unlikely that he will be able to. Being in a relationship is a stressful thing for a dysfunctional alcoholic. Fear of abandonment is a daily concern and eventually causes them to sabotage the relationship and perpetuate their own abandonment.
I wish you two well and I'll hope for the best. Keep us posted on how it's going. By the way, what's HIS plan for his recovery? Rehab? Meeings? Counseling?
Counseling at the moment. I'm not sure if he recognises the fact that he IS an alcoholic. Ive talked to him about AA but he thinks it's not for him, he wants to see how it goes with this new counselor first. I know we can only point him in the right direction, whether he chooses to take that path is entirely up to him.
Is alcoholism genetic? I'm asking because his aunt died at the age of 38 through it. This is why he doesn't think he is one, because she was drinking as soon as she got up to the moment she passed out.......... and he only does it once every 3/6 months.
-- Edited by holleva on Wednesday 8th of July 2009 10:18:41 AM
Wow, this is an interesting post. A lot of good information and advise here. I'm going to share a few things from my E, S & H. It will help me and possibly help someone else.
For me, I couldn't get sober or remain sober while being in a relationship at the beginning. That's why the program recommends no relationships for the first year. I now see why. It took my wife throwing me out of the house to become willing to work the program. Sometimes the desire to get sober doesn't have to start as ours. What this did is free up a lot of time and allow me to focus on my recovery and I took advantage of this. Meetings, HP, Sponsor, Steps, Fellowship & Service work. The desire is now for me to remain sober and happy, joyous & free.
Your question on genetic basis: In my opinion and the opinion of many others(even physicians) is yes, the diesase has a genetic component. For me it was my father and his side of the family. Many died as a direct result of alcoholism.
Also, Depression and Anxiety are part of Alcoholism. It's not a secondary DX, but part of the primary diagnosis of Alcoholism.
Binge drinking can lead to Alcoholism or may already be part of the diesase. For me, I binge drank for 15 years and then cross the line into a full addiction. Drank 24/7, I had no choice or say in the matter.
Alcoholism is a progressive diesase. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. We are never cured. What we have is a daily reprieve based on our spiritual condition. For me the only way to achieve this is working the AA program.
I would caution you(I have a good friend it happened too and heard it many times) that you not try to be your mates sponsor or HP. Your to close to him to assist him in his recovery. Two sickies(or one???) don't make a welly....... That's why it's called a Fellowship. Together WE(in the Fellowship) are able to stay sober and help another Alcoholic achieve sobriety.
Good luck! Please keep writing so we can hear how it's going and continue to learn and grow together.
Thank you all so much for your advice, you've been great. It's given me a lot to think about, especially about being his sponsor....i think maybe he is relying on me for that, but i'll take what you've said and talk to him about it. There's not just me or him to think about here. I will keep you updated...might be another 6 months or another year before he has his next drink........who knows!!
Wish so much that you could sit and quietly take in these words of Dean's:
" It really doesn't matter what you have going for you in regards to his recovery because this is not a team project. He has to walk the walk alone just like everyone else does. I'm not saying that he can't do it while in a relationship, just that it's a lot more unlikely that he will be able to. Being in a relationship is a stressful thing for a dysfunctional alcoholic. Fear of abandonment is a daily concern and eventually causes them to sabotage the relationship and perpetuate their own abandonment."
It reminded me of myself in a coda relationship with my second husband, he was a drug user, just pot at the end, but he was going to be the one to "fix" me, why you ask, because he "loved" me so much.
And every single word of what Dean wrote in the above quote, ran through my thoughts daily, "Yes he is smiling, and loves me, but REALLY underneath he has a plan to leave me, and just like Dean predicted, I ended up sabotaging the relationship and perpetuating my own abandonment".
On the opening page of the Book,"Co-Dependant No More", it spells out that this is not a "light weight" thing, Codependancy can and does Kill, just as Alcoholism does, daily.
And have to say I was very surprised, given your history of being clean with drugs, that you would ask, is this genetic??? When he drinks, he cannot stop, losing himself to the alcohol, every 3 or 6 months, right. Well yes it is genetic, but that really is not the issue, is it??
It sounds like he drinks to black out when he goes on his Binges, and he still does not know that he is Alcoholic.???????
I wish you both the best, and please let us know how this relationship goes.
"I CAN'T leave now", it reminded me of my very young 3 year old that got into the habit of saying, when asked to do a task, "I Can't". Took a while, but we worked together to change that to "I Can"
Sorry Hollava, if I sounded a little blunt, it came from feeling a little sad about your choices, and then quickly changed my mind, let it go with: People are going to do what ever they want to do, no matter what.
Wow, more similarities. My wife was a drug addict and got clean, but is still drinking. IMHO drug addiction is much different than alcohol addiction - once you're out of the drug scene it seems to be much easier to stay out of it, you don't have to go to NA meetings your whole life (usually). Also, her father is an alcoholic and she doesn't think she is because she drinks differently than he did. It's not how you drink - it's what happens in your life when you DO drink. You can tell him that, but I don't think he'll listen. Also many alcoholics have gone through extensive counseling - it never works because it doesn't solve the basic problem (alcoholism) before working on the rest of the problems. It's like trying to fight a fire by aiming your hose at the flames instead of the base of the fire.
You're in for a long, difficult journey and I wish you both the best. Definitely check out Al-Anon.
