It was a good day at work. I got my 2nd award for "Notably Outstanding Work" within 4 months. To which I'm still not sure what I did, but I think it has something to do with no longer showing up to work hungover and unable to be productive half the days out of the week and also no longer have a constant bitter and crappy attitude. I finished my service obligation of chairing my monday night meeting for the month which was kinda cool. I never reliably led anything for a month before AA. So I get a call when I get home from someone that is still in contact with my ex-partner that I was with for 7 years. I have shared here that I left that relationship to get sober because he was an alcoholic and it was going downhill rapidly with us together. I found out his mother died. I have avoided talking to him like the plague because of some bitter feelings and also the flashbacks of how ugly and awful a space I was in at the end of that relationship 9 months ago when I started this journey in sobriety. I didn't really have to think about what was right or wrong. I had to call him. This was my mother in law for 7 years. I called her "mom" and in many ways liked her better than my own mother. So, I called him and we talked. It was the right thing to do. We talked for a while about his mother. I also made some ammends for some of the crappy things I did at the end of the relationship. Had no expectations of receiving the same and I didn't really get any, but not everyone works a 12 step program right? Besides, his mom just died. Anyhow, I did get some horrid flashbacks of where I was in the year leading up to coming into AA. The last time I talked to his mother was when I had to call an ambulance to come get my ex because he drank himself into a stupor and then tried to OD on my psych meds. He called her to say "goodbye" and she made him give the phone to me. She begged me not to let her son die and that she couldn't stand to bury her own son. I was "dry" at the time so I had enough wits to call the paramedics. It was awful...They struggled with him. He almost got tazed. He cussed me out and gave me the finger on the way out on the gurney saying he would never forgive me. Anyhow, now she is the one who is dead. At least she didn't have to bury her son and for that I am grateful. It was a hard conversation to have...a door I slammed shut 9 months ago because it was so so so very toxic when I left (I had gone back to drinking with him and my alcoholism exploded after 4 months having been "dry"). Anyhow, I knew this day would come. I wasn't sure how or when. I told him his mother was a wonderful person and I would pray for her and to her now. Afterwards, I cried some...called my sponsor. He called back and we were eventually just BSing and laughing. So glad I have this program and tools to deal with life better than I used to.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Good job! That's one more thing that won't nag your conscience. The beauty of doing 9th step work is that it promotes 10th step work, which promotes better "real time" behavior, that prevents reasons for more 9th and 10th step work. Not that you'll ever be perfect, but you'll learn to act with pause and poise, and avoid emotional discharges that are regrettable. There is nothing that will improve your relationship skills more than doing 9th and 10th step work.
Sorry for your loss. Its painful when people from our sordid past die and we feel like we want to be there for our ex's. You handled it beautifully and it sounds like it was a twofold call. You got to make amends and let your ex know you cared even though things ended badly.
I agree, the program has taught me so much and today I can be a caring person without hurting myself or others....nice job....
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Great job...you're straightening up very well. That is probably why you got the award at work also. I have found that when an alcoholic gets "sober" it affects almost everything in their life in a positive way and the people we make think we are crazy begin to see that we are okay. Thanks for the view of recovery from your sidewalk. In my perspective you had an opportunity to choose HP's will and did it favorably. Another winner!!
With talking to your ex, sober, sounds like it was difficult, and as you said sturred up a lot of memories, not the good kind. But the main thing, you did it.
Sorry you lost someone that you loved.
And as far as the Notably Outstanding Work, fantastic.
Was so happy to see that the day ended with a conversation with you Sponsor, and as you said, some laughs.
That is one thing I have learned in this Prgram, that we can walk through so much stuff that is so hard at times,and some stuff that feels impossible to walk through, but we do, and we do it Sober.
Wow wow wow, Pink. What a difficult thing to revisit. And difficult emotions to bear sober. But you did it. I am sure there is some residual pain there, but I sure am glad you have a sponsor and are using him/her.
It has taken me a very long time to heal from the emotions and the "fairy tale" I had in my mind about an old relationship before recovery. The big wake-up was when he called from San Francisco a few years ago when I had about 6 months, and blamed me for not being able to trust his current girlfriend. Thankfully, I was sane enough to make amends, but to also tell him that I could not correct his ongoing problem with fear, and that he might consider counseling or Al Anon out there (he was in both here, even though he drank and smoked weed)..... I really took care of myself, and started to feel differently about the whole thing, painful as it was.
I am so glad you got ot make amends, and I hope you can continue to process this and grow from it. You sound like you are in a really good place. Congrats on the work Kudos as well. You are the best!! Keep trudging, friend!!
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
