Welp, I am done with my latest 4th Step, and ready to share with my sponsor over breakfast on Sunday. It is getting easier to take inventory, and not to attach the "poor me's" or a bunch of beating-myself-up to it. It is not nearly as long (thank God) as the first time around. But it shows me exactly, and with some simplicity, where I am headed in a wrong direction in my head and heart, and where I NEED to go next, with God's help. Good stuff. What seemed so terrifying the first time around is neither terrifying nor time consuming. I know what my resentments are, and I know I have a part, nad I know that God and the program and the rest of the Steps are the cure for those resentments and mistakes. Simple as that.
Just chatted with my sponsor tonight for a few minutes, and realized why this urgency to get a lot more active, and add another round of the Steps on paper to it came to light.
I was in the grocery store a week or so ago, and one of my previous "sober sisters" (same sponsor) has worked there for a long time. She had probably 15 years sober the last time I saw her. (Last fall??) She did not go to many meetings, but was "well" so far as I could gather back then.
She looked "well" the other day, and a conversation started, where she proceded to tell me that she has been in therapy for umpteen years, and that she has realized that "it is not about alcohol", that she can now drink when she wants to, and no longer drinks like an alcoholic. Hmmm. I knew in my heart at that moment that I am NOT her, and that maybe she is not an alcoholic, but I SURE AM. I left the store without consciously giving it another thought. I was shocked yes, but chose to not internalize or attach any of the conversation to my own alcoholism, put my mind somewhere else and head the other way. (That being a miracle of AA in itself, that psychic change.) I soon forgot all about it.
Then I was doing this 4th Step on paper tonight, and it came to me that this sense of urgency for me to get back in the center of the AA life-boat came directly after that conversation with her. Something subconscious inside me said, "enough is enough, you really need to up your meetings and program again". I did not realize why at the time, I just put one foot forward, got to my old home group last night and re-committed to it, and then started the Steps again on paper afterward.
God blessed me with that conversation. It was a teeny weeny little bill-board that said to my heart "stinkin' thinkin' is waiting for you! Get Busy!!" What a blessing that God has carried me through my complacency without having to take a drink. I do not want to get complacent again.
I am not out to save the World, nor to start up a new treatment center, nor to go to a meeting every night at this point in my life. But I AM out to again attend my home group, and regularly work the Steps again on paper at various intervals, while committing to more time on the last 3 Steps on a daily basis. I just want to be connected as well as "available".
I thank God for messages he puts in front of us when we get lazy. I again feel like I have been given a "pass" lately, and I don't want to drink again. Next time I get lazy with AA, I might not be so lucky!!!
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Think I do understand why there was that urgency in maybe the back of your mind. 15 years and then decided.......
But that was about her side of the street, and from this Disease that I have, I sure Pray that those thoughts would never enter my mind. I will never be "Recovered"
But so happy that you reaffirmed your commitments, like the peeling back of an onion, that is what it has been called.
Happy to see you here, and see you feeling so good.
Wow, great post Joni. The effect that conversation had on you transfered to me! God sure does work magic! It's scary to think that there are those too that could end up drunk after a conversation like that. Lest we forget.
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Hi all!! Just an update, 5th Step has been postponed til tomorrow night, as my hubby just got home from Oklahoma City yesterday, and we went ot church and out to breakfast afterward, and spent a lazy day together. Sponsor is coming over on the way home from work tomorrow, which is great because Josh will still be at work.
But being back on track sure does feel good. :o)
:o)
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
