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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> "Normal" isn't always healthy
Post Info TOPIC: "Normal" isn't always healthy
Dave Harm


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"Normal" isn't always healthy
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Awhile back I shared with everyone that I received a letter from my daughter. A daughter I haven't seen in eight years. We have made plans to spend the fourth of July together. At that time, I'll meet my son-in-law for the first time, as well as two grandchildren.

But there is more to this story then just my alcoholic past. When I quit drinking, my daughter wanted nothing to do with me and when I got divorce she took her "mom's side."

I didn't want to put her in the middle of what should have been just an adult war, so I let it go. And started rebuilding my life. Four years later, we began having contact and while my life had made dramatic changes my ex's life was still very dysfunctional.

It got so wild that Health and Human Services got involved and removed her from that home. We ended back in court and everyone agreed living with me was in her best interest.

So she moved into a new world, with boundaries and rules. But as wild and dysfunctional as her past was, it was all she had known and was comfortable with it all.

She pushed her limits with me for the two years she lived with me and my new wife. When she turned 18 she moved out. The thing that I couldn't handle then and still can not tolerate is lying.

I was told numerous stories and when confronted, I was the villain for not believing her.

The majority of those eight years apart were more my decision then hers. She has shared with me, through letters, that she knows she was wrong, but we'll see.

If on the fourth nothing's changed, then I will once again break off that relationship. Some would say that's not "normal" for a father to abandon his child and grandchildren.

I don't look at it that way. "Normal" is not a word in my vocabulary. I look at everything as "healthy" or "unhealthy." And I won't risk my recovery for an unhealthy relationship.



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Chewie


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My first time on this board, although I have 15 years of good sobriety to share.

My wife and I recently have had to sever relationships with family members we care about very much, specifically, her stepdaughter from her first marriage and our granddaughter (legally, step-granddaughter, but we practically raised her ourselves). As tough as it was, it is for the best. Some of my issues with that situation were brought to the front of it, and it came to a point (for me, anyway) that I did not want to pay for it with a spree, as the Big Book says.

For my wife, she has reached a point in her life where she refuses to take anymore abuse from anyone, and what we were receiving was definitely abuse. Losing contact with my 12-year-old granddaughter kills me, but we do talk on Facebook, and my prayer is that she will some day see how wrong she is to emulate her mother and treat people as disposable commodities.

I have a quote around her somewhere, something along the lines of ...

Don't waste your time making someone a priority when to them you are merely an option.

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Dave Harm


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Chewie...

I like that quote and welcome to MIP

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"A busy mind is a sick mind.  A slow mind, is a healthy mind.  A still mind, is a divine mind." - Native American Centerness

Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...
kkotz401


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I agree that we all have our own definitions of normal. Come to think of it, I don't even know if there really is such a thing as normal. We are all so different.

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turninggrey


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Thats a tough one Dave. I have a good feeling about you two for some reason.

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noshoes


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kkotz401 wrote:

I agree that we all have our own definitions of normal. Come to think of it, I don't even know if there really is such a thing as normal. We are all so different.



 I was taught that normal is whatever is going on in your neighborhood...



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jonijoni1


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Wow, great replies here!!

Don't know if your situation is anything like mine, but my dad really had to detach from me (my dad is not an alcoholic) because I was such a liar, thief, manipulator, and I hurt him SO badly over and over again. I had turned his life upside down as a late-teen and adult. He had to take care of himself (even though I was his only child, and all he had left.. my mom died when I was 4!!!). We did not speak for a few years. Then we found our way back eventually, and now we absolutely ADORE each other, and are closer than we ever dreamed we would be. But it took time.

I do hope that she has grown up a bit and is sincere now. But if she is not and you have to detach again, know that there is always hope, we never know what tomorrow brings.

Hope everything works out well over the 4th, but somehow I know from your sound attitude that you have the ability to be ok with whatever happens.

Joni

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toni baloney


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Hi Dave,

Share your thoughts on that weird word, not in my vocabulary either.

But looking back and seeing all the changes that we have been through, just very hopeful that this July 4th might surprise you, with some good stuff.


Just will keep good thoughts for you, and hope so much that you might see a change in her. All we can do is Pray about it, then accept whatever happens.

Hugs,

Toni



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Halfwolf


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All we can do is lead by example, if people from our past finally accept us for who we are great, if not I feel it is their loss. I cannot worry about what other people think of me or my life of sober living, besides it is none of my buisness what they think.

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