I can't seem to stop. I'm a binge drinker and I've been in and out of AA for about 10 yrs. I do want badly to stay sober but every 3 or 4 months I get drunk and then I'll drink once a week for about a month. Then the whole thing starts all over again. I hate myself the day after I drink. The guilt and remorse is just too much.Everytime I drink, I have a blackout and usually do something I'm ashamed of. I tell myself each time that I won't let it get that way, but of course I don't have the control. I've lost that, if I ever had it. My drinking has been much worse in the past. My binges lasted about 2 or 3 months and I drank every other day. Thank God it hasn't been like that....Yet. I drank yesterday and threw away the remaining beers today. I emptied them, I got out my Big Book, I prayed, I called about meetings in my town and prayed some more. All of my family and friends know that I'm an alcoholic and I'm ashamed to tell them that I drank. I need to get to meetings at least everyday, get a sponsor and work the program. When I've done that in the past, it was the only time I was truly happy. So, I'm here asking for help. Thanks in advance for any help.
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There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Thank you so much. There are only 4 meetings a week here in my town and none on Sundays. There is a meeting tomorrow at 8pm and I am going. I hope to find a sponsor soon.
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There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
San Antonio has several meetings, and shopping. Road trip? Meet new people and get to the "city" for a while?
I'm glad you are going to meetings. I have a hard time going myself. With work, family obligations and such. If you don't take care of yourself, you'll be in no position to help them. Meeting ARE important. You'll be suprised with the support you get there.
"courage to change the things I can..." For me the courage comes in just before the compulsion and he can. Also for me when I arrive at where you are at now which is the awareness without the work I learned how to beg for help from others in the program. It was crazy hearing myself ask, "Please help me." You already know what works and what is missing. There are others there willing and eager to help you. Kill your ego and bury your pride and reach out for yourself.
While I do echo the need to get back to maintaining your AA program- "We are granted a daily reprieve (to give relief or deliverance to for a time) based on our spiritual condition", I think that you should consider utilizing some other sources, such as counseling and/or Acoa, Coda, once you get a handle on your sobriety. Have you done your 4th-9th steps yet?
You're not alone. That's my story to the 'T'. I could manage drinking once a week for a few weeks, but it would quickly lead into the binging, and then it was like I just COULD NOT stop. I'm thinking of you and I know if I can do it, you can too!!!
For the longest time I figured that I wasn't alcoholic because I didn't drink every day. Then I had to admit that when I did drink, I couldn't control it. It took me at least 2 or maybe 3 years (in & out of AA) before I could admit being alcoholic.
It's so clear to me now that no matter what is going on in my life, drama or no drama, without AA - I'll get drunk and when I get drunk, my life is HELL.
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There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Yes I have done my 4th and 9th step but that was about 2 years ago. I am seeing a therapist on a monthly basis.
The other groups you mentioned - excellent idea. I'll look into that once I get more stable.
Hi Karren, I too was in relapse mode for a couple years. I was fortunate that the AA club that I started attending had Acoa and Codependents anon meetings. I tried both (both of my parents are alcoholics) and found that many of the issues that I had in those groups (especially the Coda issues) were making it hard for me to stay sober. Have you read Terri Gorski's book "living sober a guide for relapse prevention"? This was another breakthrough thing that I did for my recovery.
Karen, sounds like you know exactly what to do. I also hear how sick and tired you are of repeating the relapse cycle. I think it's time to do away with the self-doubt as best you can and surrender as fully as possible. This site has been a blessing to me. In this first year, I have had to keep AA and fellowship so close to me. When I'm not in a meeting, I am on this site A LOT. It keeps me sober. I post often, try to help others, but mainly I'm doing it to save my own ass and stay connected to AA at all times. I pretty much know that I post here too much...but I need the support. I need to feel a part of, and this site helps me stay sober outside of meetings. Thankfully, I believe other people here with time recognize where I am at and it's all good. MIP has been very supportive. Keep coming here at least and get to as many meetings as you can...even if it takes a bit of a drive. It's worth it. Besides, how cool would it be for you to have more connections outside of town? Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks Mark. In the past it was those same things that kept me sober - meetings, sober friends, staying in The Big Book, (didn't have a computer at the time) - as much as I could get. I know for sure that's exactly what I need now.
I'll be on here a lot too, I need all the support I can get. It's the only way for me.
And you're right, I am so tired of the back and forth. I feel good, content when I'm sober and when I drink I feel like HELL - physically, mentally, emotionally and spritually. But I go back because I'm not going to meetings to stay reminded and really sober instead of just dry.
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There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Hey Karen, when you start drinking, do you drink by yourself or is there some people that you drink with, or do you wind up going to a drinking establishment? Does loneliness, or relationships become a factor in your picking up the first drink?
Absolutely, lonliness is an issue. I usually begin drinking alone but within an hour I'm on the phone or I go to a bar. I have only one friend that I do drink with and she's always available when I decide to drink. This last time (Sat.) I was home alone doing housework and feeling lonely. I've been feeling restless, irritable and discontent all week long. I knew that if I didn't get to a meeting that I would drink. The drinking friend called and invited me to sit by the pool and of course I needed beer to do that. I told her that I was going to get a 6 pack and then I'd be over. The whole time I was thinking to myself, "Karen, here you go again, you know what's going to happen, you're an alcoholic, you'll pay for this and this time it could be really bad!" But right behind that was, "This time you'll really try to control it, nothing is going to happen, just don't overdo it, it'll be OK, you deserve a good time." I've been thinking about getting back into AA for some time now. I know that I need it. And tonight I'm finally going. It's not until 8pm but I'm going anyway. (I'm usually not a night person and by sunset, I'm in my pajamas.) I don't know why I resist going back, I always feel so much better even after the first meeting. My head just isn't clear and hasn't been for some time. My life has taken a big turn in the last 2 years and things have been really changing just in the last few months. I'm living alone now for the first time in my life and that's been a big one to get used to. My whole life is so very different than anything I've ever been used to before and it's hard. I am lonely. I spend almost all of my time alone, even in my work. I'm over 1000 miles away from any family and I don't really have any good friends here. I have plenty of aquaintences though. The only one who knows I've been drinking is the "drinking friend" I mentioned before. I don't intend to continue the friendship because all we have in common is the drink. I just really need a meeting and can't wait until tonight at 8.
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There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Loneliness is a big problem for alcoholics. I'm such a text book alky. I related immediately to the phrase "alone in a room full of people". Heck I felt lonely in my first marriage. My x-wife would watch her sitcom tv shows (that I couldn't stand) all night. In hind site we were totally incompatible, but what abandonment I went through when we split up. It was stupid, not only wanting what you can't have but wanting what you don't want. lol
Anyway the cure for that, for me and most other recovering AAs is the fellowship of the program, in person, by phone, by this message board even. We don't have to be alone.
Yep, me too. I'm always the lonliest person in the crowd.
When I finally ended up living alone, I did my very best to let the lonliness go. I told myself that I wasn't really lonely, that I was just fine. Turns out denial doesn't work for that either.
Anytime I deny any of my feelings, I'm in touble. I have to feel them and deal with them appropriately.
Bottom line is I don't know how to live without the program, I don't have any business out of it. I knew that and now I've proven it, once again.
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There is nobody you couldn't love once you've heard their story.
Sounds like so much good advice, dont have any real pearls of wisdom to add to what has already been said...., oh, yes, one thing.
You talk about your binge drinking right? But when you are sober, do you make your Recovery from Alcohol a daily maintence thing?? Just wondering.
As far as the Loniness, just try to allow the meeting you are going to go to, and if you find that Home Group, make them your Family.
We alcoholics are that, one big family. Only we know what it is like to get drunk, stay drunk, and not really understand why.
My first year of Recovery after using the swinging doors of the AA Program, felt a lot more like ICU that AA. We have a disease, just like cancer, and the treatment is abstenance, just one day at a time.
I also had 10 years of Relapsing in this Program,( also had every book on the subject sitting up on my shelf for years, but Alcohol took me to a very different place that you are today, I slid into the Gate of hell pretty fast. This Disease has it progression, and if not arrested, these Gates of hell are waiting for all that continue to drink. The Disease is a very...patient Disease, and even with some good time in the Program, the Disease is still there, waiting. (Like out in the parking lot doing push ups, while we are in the meeting.)
Hope and Pray that you grab on with both hands and hold on for dear life, so that the progression of this Disease will not take you further into its grip. Not drinking one day at a time, willpower has nothing to do with it, it is about surrendering to this AA Program, and not picking up that drink, no matter what, and then repeat the process everyday.
Feel very hopeful that we will see lots of you here.
A Big hug and again, Welcome.
Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Monday 22nd of June 2009 03:43:18 PM
