I'm still having a hard time with staying sober. I AM going to meeting now, and trying to start an the steps. Trying to focus on me and healing myself. I nkow that I am no where near being the person to really give advise, but...
I had a meeting with my boss, (at a bar.) While I was there ,about an hour, he had 4 double shots chased with beer. I've seen him in the past to the point that his "friends" had to help him get on his motorcycle to go home.
He is an Iraq vet...2 purple hearts, bronze star and countless other medals/achievements, which is probally why I have the respect for him that I do. He is a good boss. He has lost his wife and kids, so I can somewhat relate to him. Again, I know I am NOT the person to give him advise, I'm struggling myself and he IS my supervisor. What do I do? Ignore the issue? Bring it to HR's attention? (he need help, not to be fired)
I have told him that I would rather our meetings be at work, rather than at a bar, he looked at me funny (he's seen me drink.) He took that OK. I have to look out for me first. Now what? If he doesn't want help, I know it won't matter, but if someone was to talk to him, it may help. If he can't walk to his motorcycle, I know he can't drive it. I could call the cops, maybe a wake-up call, maybe save a life...what is the right thing to do?
Mark, DON'T ALLOW HIM TO OPERATE ANY VEHICHLE!!!! If you were alert enough to notice all that he drank and it bothered you, I would imagine that HP is trying to tell you something here. The man would not ONLY be putting his own physical well being at risk he, puts other drivers lives as well in jeapordy when he drives drunk.....as you imply. What if his impairity cost/caused harm to the lives of YOUR family? Almost 2 years ago a nephew whom I loved very much put his bike down. The actual incident happened around midnight, but he was not noticed/found until 4 hrs. later. He spent the first few days in a coma and another mo. in the hospital for broken bones, the worst in his one leg. He could not work. A baby on the way, a mortgage, ect. And it makes me ANGRY to think, the day he left the hospital, he went to the bar that night. Fast forward about 6 mos. later he was finally back on the job and in debt up to his eyeballs from med. expenses AND still drinking. He was depressed unsure if he'd ever make it. He didn't. He took his own life within 12 hrs of getting a DUI, which was automatic termination of his job, Dec. 1, 2007. It still PISSES me off at time.....that no one stood up to him/for him. (I was unaware of his problems, after his release from the hospital, as he is the blood related nephew of my AH. Though I still speak to all of AH's family, I don't know as much since separating from AH.) God only knows how much it still hurts!!!! Iraqi vet? Respect him for all he attained and did as for his call of duty. Alcohol consumption is quite another matter!!! And I agree it has NOTHING to do with his current position/job. First, if you are serious about 'cleaning' your 'own house', it might be wise to let him know you refuse to talk 'business' in a bar (or anywhere else that serves liquour) because you have entered AA/a program to do so. then you might ease into the conversation some of what you have learned thus far and how it is helping you....... It just might be enough to kindle his interest ask questions of you to the point you could invite him to go to meetings with you. Lastly again as Doll suggested pray......the answers will come.
I was allert..I was not drinking(I did want to.) I did let him know that from this point on, I would rather not meet at a bar. Him being my boss, it is hard not to LET him drive or anyelse, for that matter.
I don't want to offend him, or cause problems. If I can get him in a cab, that's ok for that night. I can't say he is an alcohilic, or what he does need. I can say that he drinks himself to sleep, I coukldn't even function if I dranks like that...and I'm a drunk! He does this everynight.
In the real world, there can be consequences for me if I don't deal with this the "right" way. He was a few hours late the other day, I was worried that he had killed himself on the road.
This is a hard one. What jumps out at me though is that you count his drinks. You meet with him in a bar. you have respect for him as a person and as a boss and can relate to him and his loss. Just watch out that you don't get into hero worship.
Keep going into bars with him and you will drink - if you go to the barbers, sooner or later you'll get a hair cut - so it's good that you have started to put boundaries down about business meetings in bars.
I had an issue with a work colleague when i stopped drinking - maybe easier becasue this was a peer not a boss - but when I stopped drinking, he turned into the staff drunk. He wasn't drinking more than he used to just that it was masked by me. i counted his drinks and tried to manage his life for him. I protected him and covered up for him. I really didn't know what to do. I discussed it with my sponsor, shared it at meetings and talked to fellow alkies outside the rooms.
what i got back was that I was doing my drinking through him and it was none of my effing business! i went to Alanon (a valid thing to do) and I got the same message - detach with love, which means mind your own business.
Where are we now! My colleague is still the staff drunk. i mind my own business and keep out of his way / leave that particular arena. If my buddy has a drink problem, he knows where I am. if my buddy screws up, then the best thing that can happen is what happened to me - I had to take responsibility for myself and my actions. It wasn't until the rescuing stopped that I realised I was in a state and had to do something for and about me.
I need to look after me first becasue if I don't I won't be able to help or support others when asked.
By the way, good to see you back.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Mark, I always found that honesty was the best. I would just tell him that you think you are a drunk and that it is screwing up your life and that you are really trying to quit. I am retired military and I was sober my whole career by being this frank about my situation. People were at first shocked by my admission, but the shock turned to help when my buds realized I was serious. They would actually get defensive if someone tried to tease me about alcohol. I am sure your boss will be the same. The best thing you can do for your boss is to be a model. You really can not focus on his problem until he wants help. We are all here because we hope we have "hit bottom" and realize we need help. Lets hope your boss does not kill someone to hit bottom. If this guy has the integrity you say he has, he will respect your being upfront. If he was a front line Iraq guy, he has seen enough of the good and bad of the human spirit that he will understand your situation and probably be curious. That is when you can share what you know and how the program works. Good Luck. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I don't think asking to have your meetings at work instead of a bar was out of line. I would not let him drive drunk. I would agree with calling him a cab or driving him home. Drinking and driving is never a good idea. It only leads to trouble.
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You have to live life to the fullest because you don't know what you got till it's gone.
What came to mind when reading this was the saying, It is through Attraction, rather than Promotion. And it is an "INSIDE JOB".
Just like TG said, if it had been me, I would have said, I cannot go into a Bar at this time, I am trying to quit, and having a hard time at it, so that Bar is off limits to me at this time. There is something so very golden about the Simple Truth.
The only time I ever break my own anonimity is when I can "sense" that it might help someone that is drinking or drunk.
But I think your efforts here were fantastic. Kudos to you Mark.
Tell us how YOU are doing, ok??? I see that fence you have been sitting on, tipping this way, over to our side.
Have you ever heard of the saying: "AA will definitely screw up your drinking"
MD, if you are not AT the bar when he is drinking and trying to get on a motorcycle, then it will not be your job to do anything about it. That is a job you don't need right now. You have enough piled upon you right now.
I know that sounds crass, he could kill himself or another person. But it puts you in a very bad situation indeed... not just being in a bar itself, but all the confusion it puts on your heart about "what should I do???" "He is my boss!!" yada yada.
The ONLY thing you should do right now is to take care of YOU. This is a "selfish program", it has been said many times. Meaning I can't do jack-squat for you if my OWN stuff-life-crap-head-heart is not in order. This is a stage where you could easily let another drowning man pull you under and kill you too, if you are reaching out a hand right now trying to help someone as sick or sicker than yourself.
The only thing that could help him, on your end right now is to show him an example. Show him that he won't explode into a million fragments if he puts the bottle down. And you can do this only by putting yourself and YOUR needs as a person trying to recover first.
To Thine Own Self Be True!!
(((hugs))) Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I agree with Joni. Unfortunately right now, I have to remind myself that I am in NO place to help someone else thru their problems, nor put myself in the situation to do so. Someday maybe, but not right now. I think that's setting yourself up for some major failure too early on.
Just focus on helping yourself right now. It may seem selfish, but it is not. Not in this situation.
Yeah. Like Crystal said...I am also in no place to 12 step people...too early on. I have to save my own ass first. Which for me meant no bars period...no work xmas party because it was a boozefest the year before...changing people places and things and recognizing you don't have control over all 3 of these things is important. I would not say you are in no position to help others though Mark. There are many valuable things about you that you have to give...just not in that particular way right now. I think you can help others in the program with encouragement, service, sharing your experiences like you do here, and just trying to stay sober and keep learning. Bill W. and Dr. Bob helped each other when both had little sobriety time and that is how AA was started right? You can always help people, but they have to want the help and it can't come at the expense of your own sobriety. Anyhow, you already help me stay sober and others here too...so keep coming back.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Some good stuff stated regarding you boss driving and bars etc.
Regarding helping your boss, not sure about the size of your office or how things are laid out, but you could leave AA literature (newcomer pamplet, meeting schedule etc) in areas where he may notice it, like the coffee area or even under his car wiper-blades etc.
This is a old trick from Akron-Cleveland area and has planted the seed in many cases.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
