I can ease my loneliness when I go to meetings and at work because I have been blessed with good people at work. At home is a different story. My wife has never shown interest in my program of recovery, she thinks I just drank to much. Since she gave up her boyfriend (my ex-best friend) there is no passion. I guess now our marriage is both of us just settled with what we have. I guess I need to know is it selfish to want more in a relationship than just living in the same house ?
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The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
I dunno. I know lonliness as I live alone, but when I was married I also knew the lonliness of living with someone who you weren't gelling with.
Is it selfish to want more of a relationship than just living in the same house - probably not. Just remember that you can't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes, you get what you need.(probably copyright Rolling Stones.)
Is it unreasonable to expect more of a relationship....probably is, expectations being resentments in waiting as they are.
Acceptance is the key, fear is the bondage. Accept the fear and you can break the bonds. If the marriage isn't working then you could do something about it. But be sure that a marriage should be a partnership and it takes two. No one person is totally responsible for all the strains and negativity of a partnership.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (that'll be people, places and things) the courage to change the things I can (that'll be my behaviour, responses, reactions and stuff) and the wisdom to know the difference (I can change me, you can change you, that's it.)
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
There is not a darn person in the world that should make you feel bad for being in recovery. I have a few of those in my life, so I do know how it feels. Remind yourself, EVERYDAY, that it takes a very special, strong person to do what you are doing. SO many of us are not able to.
I too have a person in my life that believes that if you drink too much, you just need to stop. Your stupid if you don't, and AA is pretty much a waste of time. Sometimes I think he is just jealous that I enjoy spending time and getting inspiration from people other than him.
Until I decide what to do with my relationship, I ignore his comments and focus on what I know is important to my recovery, and my happiness in general. I hope you can do the same (it's easier said than done I know )
I was told by my sponsor that we no longer need to settle for less. We've settled for less our whole life. Assuming you've worked through the steps and practice them daily..... if not, I would recommend you do nothing with the relationship at this point and work through the steps with a sponsor who has worked them..
What I did was put the pro's of the relationship on one side and the con's on another. Determine which of the con's you could live with... these would be trivial things.. sorta accepting someone for what they are.. Determine which one's are basic needs for a healthy relationship... respect, communication and intimatcy etc.... Now weigh the two.... Ask yourself... are you settling for less?
I too get lonely sometimes. But I have found support in my family. I have found volunteering and work to be a rewarding experience. I just got involved with habitat for humanity and I have been enjoying that.
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You have to live life to the fullest because you don't know what you got till it's gone.
That acronym HALT has good value to me. Don't let yourself get too hungry, angry. lonely, or tired. Lonely has been my #1 trigger to drink for the longest time. I am still a newcomer so my ways of dealing with this are not always the best, however, some of the ways have been very adaptive and healthy. Service is a good cure for loneliness, as is upping meeting attendance, and calling fellow alcoholics (or writing here) when you need to. If AA works for you now and your wife is dragging you down, spend more time involved in AA...and if you get unsupportive comments about it, you could remind her you are recovering and just need support. That might get her gears going about what she is really doing to be a support to you. It might also backfire cuz you can't control or predict anything she will do. Relationships are complex and baffling too...I guess the best thing I can say today on the matter is, they come and go. Even a couple married for 60 years has to spend time apart and we all need to be prepared to be on our own because you never know what will happen to your spouse (god forbid). A relationship, especially a marriage where you have kids would seem like the WHOLE WORLD to you or most people, when in fact, it isn't. One thing you can grasp onto that will never let you down unless you let it, is your sobriety. That is why it is #1 and comes before everything else because it is the one thing that, for me, will never desert me, disappoint me, hurt me and I ensure I will keep growing if I continue to value it. Also, when the proverbial shit hits the fan, I/you can always be grateful and say "At least I'm sober" Thank God.
After ending this post with "Thank God" I do realize God will never let you down, leave you, hurt you, and will help you grow also. Still working on that one though.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 16th of June 2009 09:17:13 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
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