perhaps like the curates egg - good in parts. On teh positive side I didn't drink, I didn't embarrass myself, I'm still talking to folks.
on the negative side I didn't prepare properly, missed meetings, filed up with fear and took resentments.
It goes like this, on the Thursday my wife (estranged for 3+ years but who knows?) came over and we set off. A gentle drive to a point where we decided to eat. Only place we could find was a country pub, but on the understanding that we are eating and going, I was OK, Roast Beef Sandwiches and coffee in the garden. Then I ask her to drive. I kept my patience but the car has a computer thing on it. I was getting 49 mpg, she dropped this to 46 mpg. I take a resentment, work it through, realise I'm being unreasonable and dispose of the resentment.
We get to Edinburgh and check in the hotel. The room was small and Eileen didn't like it so we changed rooms and went out to eat. I had planned on a meeting that evening, but was hungry so decided to eat first, then go to the meeting. A loveley meal, but I missed the meeting. ButI learned a lesson. I'm an alkie! I like to cook. I know recipes I know that Cranachan made by me is oats, cream, honey,vanilla and raspberries.I forgot that the real recipe includes whisky at the bottom.I had a cranachan and was OK until I got to this funny tasting cream at the bottom. Yep, it was the whisky and mentally that screwed me up. Bcause although I believe that eating stuff with cooked alcohol is OK for me, I don't go for eating stuff with uncooked alcohol. But I eat it anyway, there was no stopping me after the first mouthful. The walk back to the hotel was painful, so many bars and surely just one would be OK?
This played on my mind all weekend. Go to a meeting then. But no, people pleasing then comes in, so I go bird watching, then for a hike, then for a meal, then to a party, anything but go to a meeting or ring another alkie.
I got resentful at the party, the music wasn't good, no one was taking any notice that I wasn't drinking, no one told me how well I was doing, poor poor pitiful me. But i'm still people pleasing, yes I'll drive people home, no, it's OK I want to go back to my hotel but I'll stick around a bit longer at a gig i'm not enjoying, because you might be upset if I leave early.
I felt ill on the way home yesterday, felt resentful that I didn't get home in time for a meeting (I wonder how many I drove past?) was a grumpy ol' b'stard all night. Old behaviour came back like a sledgehammer,
Anyway, intergroup this morning and a chance to watch others exercise their egos - keep quiet and write the minutes, get home again, and finally, finally, talk to another alkie. Get all the above off my chest. Get it straightened out in my head. Make my amends where appropriate and feel better.
Learning Points: Don't eat anything that you don't know what's in it. When going away, take your phone numbers and meeting details with you. Go To a meeting no matter who it upsets if that's what you need to do.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
One of the AA friends i spoke to last night gave me both barrels - how i'd planned the eating of the pudding with alcohol in because my illness of alcohol convinced me that i was OK, i didn't need to take my books, i didn't need to go to a meeting, i didn't need to prepare like I usually do, i didn't need to talk to another alkie afterwards - much like preparing to 'slip'.
I have heard that taking a drink is planned days or weeks before, the circumstances are manipulated to teh point where you can justify your actions etc. He reckons it was like that - and I agree with him.
This has been Satan sitting on one shoulder, whispering sweet nuthins in my ear, you'll be OK, you're a big boy, you got this cracked, you're only eating it not drinking it, you had that non alcoholic beer last month and nuthin happened.
where was my higher power then? Sitting on the other shoulder saying to himself, OK pal, you go and do what you think you can do, you think you got this cracked, i'll let you pressure test your system, just remember that I'm here though and I'm not going to let you go too far, just let you have just enough pain to KNOW. then when you finally get round to asking for my help, I'll still be here, i'll help you, but learn the lesson. You put alcohol into your body and YOU hurt and you hurt those around you that you profess to care about.
satanic alcohol has been out in the car park, doing press ups and waiting for me to get complacent and arrogant, then he's in like flynn, with his weasel words and false promises. My Higher power let me have just enough on the day to eal with, but still kept his hand on my shoulder.
So close, so very close.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
