Where does a compulsion to drink...go?

toni baloney · Senior Member

Where does a compulsion to drink...go?

Doll · MIP Old Timer

toni baloney wrote:
Where does a compulsion to drink...go?

God took mine because I asked Him to.

Jen

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Doll wrote:

God took mine because I asked Him to.

Jen

That is a beautiful answer. I've said that when I got a divorce mine left. Which is true, but at that same time I was really "studying" the first three steps. I needed that strong foundation for any chance at recovery...

So Jen, I think mine is the same as yours...

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Maybe part of the reason I find surrender to my Higher Power so difficult, i.e. I live in a lingering hope that I will not drink again at least just for today, is that I never specifically asked a God, my God or any God to take it from me. I have worshipped my desire not to drink & have been grateful for that but then of course I have had the occasional lurking notion that one day I would be able to drink like others. Meetings & my own experience remind me repeatedly that this is insanity.

I have a hope & determination that with time & effort I will change in practice & character & with learning from experience. I'm not feeling wholey or particularly spiritual at the moment. That could be as I'm due my monthly, it could be that I've been exposed to the experience of dealing with an active alcoholic in my homelife & have been practicing detachment which feels unnatural for me.

It could also be that I'm not feeling a great trust in my Steps 6 & 7 right now (crucial to Step10) but ironically I'm doing another Step 5 in the morning which of course means I can do another willingness to be 'entirely ready to have my defects of character removed' & then a going ahead & asking formally Big Book stylie again with evermore awareness & understanding.

I'm doing my spiritual exercise in the evening also to complete the process which will hopefully in all be purifying & I'm readying up to make a major amend. I have to remain fearless & thorough & keep on asking & keep on working this program. It has been hard for me in my earlier recovery as I didn't want to get this too quickly lest I not appreciate it fully or be premature in any way.

I know the potential for my own arrogance & the whole journey has served to teach me some humility & some realistic ideas about what I'm capable of whilst at the same time keeping an openmind to how much I may actually be able to grow in God's will for me if I just keep on doing my best & then turning it over to the care of.

So, I don't know where it goes or when it can come back. I'm grateful to know that I am Sober Today by the grace of A.A. & all the support, love & fellowship of the steps & this message. I'm glad I know it's a daily reprieve & that we only have Today. It's also crucial to realise that not everyone does get this & that many die on a regular basis from this disease and that one day that could be me if I'm not vigilant.

I'm grateful to know I'm not special or unique & that even knowing I'm an arm's length away from a drunk helps to keep me sober as I do not want any of that pain that I've had before & would be allowing back into my life by drinking again. I have & do let go of so many old ideas. I keep learning how many I have!

I do know that all we have is Today. 1Day & it counts. It means everything. It means Life, it means Hope, it means Everything that is Good in this world despite whatever comes & these to me are a God. Of my understanding. I understand it in so many ways yet do not understand all at the same time. I'm glad there's something helping me to stay Sober Today even if I don't know entirely what it is.

Grace is a gift given from beautiful places. I heard in my last Yoga lesson after relaxation & meditation that "Grace finds you where you are but does not leave you where it found you" My desire not drink is a Gift & I'm so grateful for it. Without this I'd have nothing. It's the enduring spark within me that wants to live. If it ever goes out will be a sad day for me so I treasure it Today.

Godness has helped when I sincerely ask & has even intervened when I haven't. Thanks for letting me share. Danielle x

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell on Wednesday 3rd of June 2009 09:07:43 PM

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

For me, it gets channeled into other things. Full attendance at meetings, service, being in the middle of AA and not on the fringes. That is my healthy addiction now. I see God at work when people help each other. That power is strongest for me in meetings, but it occurs elsewhere. The higher power is still mostly in the rooms for me. I would like it to become more about just God because I know the rooms aren't perfect all the time and the God of my understanding could be. Still working on it. I still have many unhealthy compulsions that are also filling that void that alcohol used to, but I'm working on those a day at a time as well (i.e., smoking, drinking coffee, worrying about dumb crap).

-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 3rd of June 2009 09:18:37 PM

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

The best I know is that my compulsions go underground or under the bed or some
thing but do come out and lurk when I am relaxed and enjoying life without a single
look over my shoulder to see if my biggest enemy is in the crowd or behind a tree
or part of the scenery and I am not able to discern it exactly.

I remember at 16 years sober wanting to be told I was "cured now" and could
leave the fellowship. I got my very first chip at 16 years and I could have just
left it on the table and walked out and then again that didn't happen. My HP set
me up as I always have to be set up to fail at the idea of being "cured now". My
compulsions lurk some times nearer and sometimes farther at length but I am
aware of the defects that channel it eye to eye. At the morning meeting the
speaker (I've known him almost all of his sobriety) spoke of the common emotional
characteristic of the alcoholic...fear; and I became more attentive. Besides drinking
I am a smoker. Getting my limit of alcohol and of nicotine has always been a failure
of mine. Alcohol chasing led to toxic shock and Nicotine into a depraved sense of
need that included mad searches for it in other peoples ashtrays, gutters and the
pavement where ever.   Fear; another recovering alcoholic and I made the attempt
to quit smoking and we were able to with me outlasting him until one December
celebration where his cigars fell out of his pocket and while trying to get them back
in the box and into his pocket he handed one out and asked "want one?". In
seconds I was sucking up the nicotine to try to fill the tank. I was amazed how
quick and complete the compulsion took me out. No not amazed appalled.   What
made the whole thing most easiest was he was smoking my brand and type. I
even dropped the soggy stub onto the cabana floor feeling bad that I wanted to
pick it up again and continue the relationship.   I quit again and then restarted
again and then went into a recovery program. I haven't smoked for 5 to 6 months
now but am ready to get back into the program at the thought that I'm no hot
shot arrogant compulsion buster.

Anyhow up jumps the name of my old flame "San Miguel" and I can smell the
heat and smoke of fear kinda off aways. I don't have the compulsion and
cannot see it lurking and I do believe what I have been taught that we truely
do have a most "cunning, powerful and baffling" life threatening disease.
When I first got here I became aware that I couldn't trust my own thinking.
I am actively aware of that again. I need to absorb the thoughts of others
and their experiences before and after. So I will. Two things I will not
do for the remainder of this day. I will not think. I will not drink.

LOL One of our other morning members engaged me in a conversation
regarding being rational yesterday morning. I told him that for me that
using rational and alcoholic in the same sentence was an oxymoron for
me. It doesn't compute if the alcoholic is me. Rational for me now is to
sit, listen, learn practice and pray throughout the attempt. "God I am
willing..."

Grace to you all and my deepest mahalo (thankyou)

(((((hugs))))) smile

Dodsworth · Senior Member

The compulsion to drink is there for me everyday and that is really hard. I do know though that the times when I don't obsess about it are when I have done something that makes me feel improved: workout, writing, my music, etc...if I feel like I've done good for myself and my self-image is somewhat positive (that changes by the minute it seems) then im less likely to drink. Having said that, i have a long history of drinking to "celebrate" so that is a slippery slope. Meetings are fine but they do not comfort me like they did when I was just off a spree or had just quit. I'm socially awkward and that will never change, so meetings are more about social anxiety than they are about recovery, its always been that way unfortunately. Meeting with my sponsor and step work has helped the most.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Dods, anything can change...you know that. You might always be somewhat reserved socially, but you don't always have to be socially awkward if you don't want to. And from what you wrote..I recognize I need to work the steps and sponsorship a little better cuz meetings don't do the job alone. There have been a few days where I went to a meeting and then was like "WTF!? I wasn't even thinking about alcohol until I went to that meeting!" I wouldn't say I had a compulsion at those times, but it's ironic sort of. What I'm going through now (and what I hear from a few others around the same sobriety time as me) is that I just want my thoughts to turn off. It is mostly out of my head to automatically think that I should drink to do it...It's just annoying and I wish there was a button on my head like an android to just shut off my brain. The constant thinking is not all bad thoughts like in the beginning, but it's still just draining and annoying to be thinking constantly. I guess I'm open to suggestions here...though I'm guessing the answers will be pray and meditate more....and get busy on stepwork.

Dodsworth · Senior Member

pinkchip- I know what you mean about wanting the thoughts to just turn off. That is definately part of the reason I obsess about the drink- just want to have some unadulterated bliss (of course that isnt what REALLY happens lol) As for the social anxiety, I cannot choose to be "ok" in groups. I don't choose to be awkward. Apart from my obsession with the drink, there is nothing I want more than to have no concern for what other people think of me...i always have this feeling that people are looking at me and judging me. The only possible way to resolve that fear is to be happy with myself, to be so content with who i am that I can say to myself- so what if they are looking at me? I've heard other AAers say they have similar fears, that everyone is staring at them-- pretty egotistical huh? lol.

toni baloney · Senior Member

Have been reading on this Post, and I too share now that Social Anxiety, not really about how or what they think of me, it is more like I am just anxious, period.

Looking back, I recall so clearly when I came in for REAL, I could have cared less about what others thought of me, my primary reason was Only to sit and listen, and Pray to my Higher Power, that I might, with His Grace, make it to the next 600 pm.
meeting, and not drink in between. I was living in Seatte at the time, and they had what some folks called a backlash to Californians, I was one Californian, and I simply did not care what they thought, and in the Meetings, I did not feel it. I had what some call that Gift of Desperation.

And today, feeling that social anxiety, want so much to remember why I am there, only for my continued sobriety. And face that fact that I am an Anxious person, period, I always have been.

In not attending meetings, in honesty, I have slacked off, and even though I do not feel complacent, it must be there. And that complacancy is one Deadly thing to me.
So this has been a real refresher course. It has never been whether I want to or not want to go, I will "suit up, and show Up", so very simple.

The number one offender in my Life has been Alcohol, and the second biggest offender has ALWAYS been in my thinking. So dont drink, next, dont Think, thank you Jerry for that great reminder.

And thank you Doll, for clearing up so much of what was muddling around in my head yesterday, I was in my head, thinking, and forgot how simple it can be, dont think, just Keep Looking Up.

Hugs to all,
Toni

kkotz401 · Senior Member

I think that my compulsion to drink is always with me, but I push it out of my head by staying positive and giving in to my higher power. I agree that the disease will always be with me but I think it can be managed by staying positive and keeping busy. I know that I can't handel a drink because it will always lead to one more.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

I completed another Step 5 with my Sponsor Today & read right through "How it works & Steps 1~7 in the 12&12. Steps 5 is such a catharsis. I felt aglow with the nearness to my creator & felt the clearance of those blocks to my faith & sunlight of the spirit. I've had a busy day in Step work & some Step 12 stuff whilst also attending to my spiritual discipline of my latihan. It's been a real fruitful day.

Step work is the best. I noticed I was still having the flavour & desire in my mouth to sip red wine but no compulsion & I asked even for this to be removed which it has & can be. Sometimes it's hard to be humble & willing & I know now that if I can't quite get this then I need to do some serious Step action. I need to keep the day clean & clear to be able to read for my spiritual axiom.

Serenity is so much important for me right now & I'll do whatever it takes to retain this. So now I can work on keeping in fit spiritual condition daily. Thanks for all of you being here. It is so good to share in recovery with you. Love & fellowship, Danielle x

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Wow, great topic and I love the responses here. What a wonderful place this is in cyberspace!

Toni, I can identify with the thinking of this as a terminal disease, which happens to be in remission. And by my actions and attitudes, and choice to rely on God, I am in control of that remission, only one day at a time. If I choose to cease fighting God's Will, I can have another day.

My curiosity has waned a bit about alcoholism itself, in that I do not frequently get ideas popping out of nowhere anymore, which ask me, "are you really an alcoholic?" That is over, really HAS been proven to me by my circumstances and the help of all you great folks in AA. It is not just in my head, it is in my heart. I don't have any more alternative suspicions, I have no moredoubts, I am all out of "scientific experiments" performed at the sacrifice of my own sanity and my own loved ones' peace of mind.

In science, we have theories, and what is done to prove a theory and make it into a scientific Law, is NOT to prove it right, but to prove it wrong. When no one can prove that it is wrong, then it is correct. I could not prove the theory that I was an alcoholic WRONG, so it is right, and I have accepted that. These experiments took up too many years of my life, from the day I picked up a drink, and even in early recovery where I would tell myself I wasn't "sure".

But then, there were times in recovery where I KNEW, and I decided I no longer cared. That was a little more difficult. It required that I get my butt back on the wagon, and work the Steps and get other help to the point where I cared about ME enough to WANT continued sobriety. Not feeling like I deserved a good sober life kept me from a good sober life. It was people and God around me who challenged that notion, and helped me to "get there".

Almost as important as the rituals and the forward motion in working steps, is my continuing to like myself enough to want continued sobriety. And that I can, I think, is where the Grace of God steps in. I could not feel love enough for myself, until I truly understood and could feel God's love. And for me, that took a very long time.

Thanks for the topic, and hope everyone is having a great day!

XOXO
Joni