relationships!!

mindtraveler · Member

relationships!!

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I can identify with this one. So freakin busy. I opted to start a relationship at 2 months...will have 8 months tomorrow. When I started it, it was the only coping skill and way that I knew how to stay sober...to be around someone else all the time...to have someone else care for me intimately because I hated myself. BUT...I was told whatever I did, I needed to put my sobriety first...and I have done that pretty well. It's not a journey I would recommend for anyone else, though I will say I've picked up a few things from being sober and in this relationship. My boyfriend's issues are HIS and not mine. I have to acknowledge I will be fine regardless of whether this ends this minute. In the end, all he is there for is for us to enjoy each others' companionship...It was only a couple of months ago that it really hit me that the relationship could not and would not make me happy. So what? I have a boyfriend? I have to be happy and love myself foremost or I won't enjoy this relationship because I will continually approach it from a needy standpoint. I am learning this, but it hasn't been easy. It has limited me from making stronger friendships in the program and it has slowed down my becoming independent to a degree. It's a trade off though. I do believe that as long as we stay sober, we will learn from whatever choices we make. I wish I could snap my fingers and have this ultra strong love for myself...it's getting there though. Progress not perfection. Just you realizing this relationship is driving you batty is progress. If you were drunk, it would seem normal right? All I can say is just try to remember what a good person you are in the things you do ALL ON YOUR OWN. If it was one of your friends you would probably tell them to lose that zero and find a hero or something like "Why are you sad and feeling down over him? You're awesome!" Try and say the same things to yourself. With that said, I continue to try and practice what I preach, but believe me, I do find myself thinking like you are sometimes and I have to step back from it even though it's really difficult.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

The best way to make your relationship healthy is to go to meetings and work the program. I know that doesn't change things in the relationship aspect, but it does change our outlook about the relationship.

My worst enemy in early recovery was my wife. She was comfortable and knew the rules when I drank. Even though it was quite sick and dysfunctional she knew the rules, but my7 sobriety changed everything.

For awhile, she was my worst enemy in recovery. She tried everything in her power to sabotage it and probably would have succeeded if I didn't keep up with my meetings...

Dave

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Something I learned from an oldtimer right here,

the best reaction is no reaction. It's tough at first, but with practice, like anything else it gets easier.

Action follows thought, so think before you speak.

I would, however, suggest you suggest Al Anon to him.

Good luck and God speed.

Jen

MDC · Senior Member

OK. I guess every post I ever put up is about this very thing. You need to focus on youself, get healthy, go to meetings. You aer going through all kinds of changes. He is too. I struggle with, will my wife like me when I'm sober. Now, do I like her when I'm sober. It will all work out for you. Take care of yourself, put your sobriety first, everything else will fall into place. With him or without him, there is a plan for you and you need to be sober to see it.

Mark

mindtraveler · Member

pink-chip
thank you for your honesty. it really helps when we can relate to one another.
i am so busy and so tired, so this week my goal is to sit down and have a schedule for my meetings. i do go, however if i have a set schedule and hang it on my fridge, him and i will both know when they are and he will encourage me as well, and he does.
thanks so much.....hang in there yourself, and love who you are, cause you are a helping healer yourself, you helped me. xo

-- Edited by mindtraveler on Sunday 31st of May 2009 09:36:40 PM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

MT, sounds like an unhealthy relationship (imagine that

) and that you should consider ending it, so that you can work on yourself without distraction. If we stay in dysfunctional relationships, it's because we are addicted to the relationship and using it to mood alter just like any other drug. If this is the case, how will we truly get "Sober"?

kkotz401 · Senior Member

I personally think that you should end the relationship if you want to stay sober. Arguing only leads to stress and will make you want to drink. Sometimes you have to change the situation to make things better.