jealousy?

MDC · Senior Member

jealousy?

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

I'm glad you're feeling better, Mark. It may be that there is just so much negative history between you right now for whatever reason. It seems she has many resentments towards you & that's got to be hard to be around & will keep on pulling you down while you're trying to get up. Maybe your relationship has come full term. Ideally we are with someone because our love for each other helps us to grow. Not out of some sense of obligation & duty that we don't feel joyous & happy to give. If a relationship is not interdependently fulfilling on healthy needs, it's time for you to move on because you're worth so much more.

I'm sure the two of you can endeavor to be professional & loving as parents but as partners, it's not working. There's so much damage to heal from. You will heal. Taking each others inventories is endless. That's why we stop at our own in AA. We simply look at our own as its the only thing we have any power change & do something about. We can't change anyone else. Not even their opinion of us. We can change our own behaviours & surrender other people's opinions of us to our Higher Power. I get that you're desperate for peace, healing & serenity.

It will come for you, Mark but you have to keep on working for it. Do your meetings, work with a sponsor & fill your head full of the AA literature. Your thoughts & perception will begin to change & your new freedom will help you deal with & alleviate these pains & put them in your past. Keep on keeping on with your sobriety today & reaching out. Another day sober is a great success. Thanks for sharing with us. Godbless, Danielle x

MDC · Senior Member

Thanks. You're right. It's almost like a death, I guess the death of my marriage. In a way death would be easier, atleast it isn't a choice. NOT that I want any harm for her. I love her and want only the best...such conflicting emotions, it's hard to deal with. I just can't understand.. She wanted me to get sober, I did. All I really did was take away her excuses.

It's hard, but I'm trying. I don't want to, or know how to be single...All I can do is deal with it.

Thanks.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Mark!!

What worked best for me when I finally got to working what I was being led to
was turning the whole thing and my self over to my Higher Power. When I did
that surrender of mind, body, spirit and emotions I regained hope and trust.
HP can do for me what I cannot do for myself. Turn the whole thing over, get
all the way into the program and let your HP have a chance.

"Trust God...Clean House...Help Others"...

(((((hugs)))))

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mark, sounds like you getting to the bottom of this. Sounds like no matter what you do, it isn't good enough. We all have had that, it's a familiar pattern. It's called setting you up to fail. She probably would like to sabotage your sobriety for a number of reasons, number one, to make herself look better. You can deny her that opportunity. I happy to see that you are seeing your marriage and getting sober as two separate issues. You're progressing.

Dean

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I agree with Dean. Brave steps Mark. Keep heading in the right direction! Happy to be one of your sober/drunk buddies today :)

MDC · Senior Member

Knowing what's happening, still doesn't make it any easier...

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Mark,
Good to see your still posting working through these issue. Keep working it. Your story is not unique. It happens and will continue to happen. When you through this think of the E,S & H you will have for the newcomer.

I'll tell you what my sponsor told me when my wife had enough with my drinking and kicked me out of the house. I felt the same as you. Both feet suspended in mid air. He told me that's exactly where I should be and needed to be. Early recovery.

From what I've hear; your wife is probably resentful at you and your actions(drinking). She has that right and that her sh*t. Nothing for you to worry about at this time. You can clean your part of the street when you commence your step work (Step 9). She's expressing her anger because she thought by kicking you out everything would be better, but she didn't change any of her thinking or actions. She might even be alittle angry because she feels you couldn't get sober for her. She couldn't fix you... That would leave me to believe that she doesn't understand the concepts of alcoholism the diesase.

Througout my early months of recovery my sponsor reminded me that all I could do was stay sober and I couldn't screw things up. My HP would reveal his plan to me over time. He also told me to continue to work my program and things would get better. He was right! After my step work, he also told me that if I was honest and thorough with my program that I'd be o.k. with or without my wife. I could have a preference but it would be o.k. emotionally either way. He was right!

Today, I live with my wife. She invited me back after six month of working the program. Go figure! After eight months I was talking with my sponsor about whether this women was right for me???? Am I settling for less??? Still working on that.

My sponsor told me that I've grown and may have outgrown my wife. Only my HP would reveal that to me. She hasn't done any work to change herself. Keep in mind that people who are attracted to alcoholics are sick themselves.

Sorry for such a long post but this one struck a cord with me. I hope I've shared something here that can help someone. I know it's helped me!

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Dean's right on. My ex wanted me to quit. So I did, then she was never around she couldn't handle a sober me. There was no one to blame for her problems and with me sober she had to take responsibility for her actions. But before it got to that point I had a slip and she came running back home. Then she could play the "poor me" game with everyone.

When I quit this time, she played some really wicked and evil games to make me drink again. But I just didn't want to go down that road anymore.

If you have the strength and the courage to let go - it does get fun to watch. My ex's boyfriend always had an out when we were married. After we divorced he was "trapped." It was sad in a way to watch the ex go lower then I ever expected but it was also rewarding because I found out that I wasn't the only problem.

My ex is still with the same guy and after 14 years they still haven't married. But they do spend a lot of time in the court system. DUI's, theft, spousal abuse, drug possession... she really went downhill...

Was I ever jealous of her? First time yes which is why I went back to drinking. This time no. All I felt for her was pity. She totally believed that it was just my problem and it didn't affect her at all. And if you asked her today, even after all her court appearances, she'd tell you the same thing.

It was hard, but I also know that I did everything that was humanly possible to save the marriage. And today, I'm am so grateful that my Higher Power gave me the strength and the courage to follow through with that divorce. There is little doubt in my mind that if I stayed married to her I would be dead. I would have drank myself to death.

MDC · Senior Member

I already know that her "friend" doesn't want her, or anyone else at the moment. He's having his fun. Yes, I was wrong and I did do some checking into him... I really don't want to see her hurt, but that's out of my control. I wish I could say that I want her to be happy, no matter what, If it takes me gone for her to be happy, then OK. But I can't. I want her to be happy, with me. Again, out of my control. It breaks my heart to know what my kids are going to go through...out of my control.

This AA stuff is hard, with everything else involved. One thing I've learned is that I need only focus on what I can control and there is not very many things in my life that I can control.

I try to look back and figure out how I got here, not that it matters at this point, and I can't. 4 months ago, I thought I had a pretty decent life, I guess all that was a lie. I'm just trying to learn who I am.

I know, I've been all over the place in these posts...that's where I am in my head, all over the place.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Keep posting Mark, you learn just as much from your own posts as the responses that you get. We're all staying sober, with humility and gratitude we get from reading them. Hope you going to a meeting tonight.

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

MD,
I lost a relationship to alcohol. A relationship where we were to be married, he joined Al Anon, blah blah blah. Not going to bore you with the details. Same thing though, I knew it was the alcohol tearing us apart. So I stopped drinking, hoping to revive the relationship. But it was too late. He had already made his decision. And by the time I had put together some time in recovery, he was long gone, and you know what? I was ok with it. Because I had a new life. New friends, and was starting to really like who I was.

I did spend some time "missing him and wishing things had worked out", but these thoughts were fleeting, and now I have a terrific marriage, after me being sober and out of relationships for awhile. I have heard this story repeated over and over at so many meetings, OUR (collective) STORY, because I was not unique in what I went through, and I am not unique in having been blessed with something better, due to my sobriety. You are not unique either. There is hope for better days. But not while you are stuck in your own head. (Bad neighborhood, and you are spending too much time alone in that neighborhood).

Get to meetings, You will hear your story there too, and you will get some hope, and start to feel and GET better.

(((hugs)))

eastcoastscott · Senior Member

Hey Mark, you are coming back, time and time again for a reason, you are getting someting out of it (pity is useless hpe there isnt any of that).
Tough love time...get out of that negative funk, you are creating stories with all of your relations from wor to wife, to kids etc. and theses situtations result in your emotions directing your actions, That has to stop. Takes you t the same place you dont wat to be in. Take a break from everybody's petty dramas and get out the big book with a sponsor who you trust and spen 8 hours on a weekend looking hard at stepwork.You'd be better of than the way you are goin....tryin to use external solutions to an internal problem...I love hearing about folks in the program gising us fist had accounts of lets say theit experien with the 4th and 5th steps, powerfull heartfelt material.

all the best

Tina · Senior Member

Hi Mark

sounds like you have understanding of where your at right now, and well also sounds like you have recieved some sound advice here.

I was in a similiar situation when I first came into the program and can relate, I first will share a little bit here.

5 in half years ago, I was at the stage losing my children, I was married to a fella who still drinks today, my mom had temparary custody of my children do to alcohol abuse and well there were question directed toward my now ex husband on abuse to my oldest.

The week of July 14th, 2003 was truly one of the hardest period one has to go through. I lost my mom do to a tragic accident, she died insinctly from being hit a dump truck and dragged 30 ft. I had to explain to my children that wasn't coming home. Than I was forced to make a decision of either staying with my alcohlic husband and risking my children going into the CAS. I had until the Friday to decide, burried my mom on the Thursday and Left my husband by the weekend. I had family members asking how I was able to manage to keep my sanity through all this and well lets just say it was not easy, I had to deal with siblings who test me through out the week, it wasn't easy. But I managed and stayed sober not only for me but for my children.

By the following Monday I was at my first AA meeting, and still attending meetings when I can, I to found it difficult, cause this man that I married Looked at it that I was the problem not him. But I realized I did have a problem and well had to look deep within myself to find out who I really was.

So, with that note and thanks for lettin me share. This is the first time I've truly talked about the situation.

And if anyone is wondering I'm not with my Husband, been separated for all this time and working on a divorce, but he's still waiting for me to come home to him.

I can only control what I do, not how others carry themselves. In time things well get better.

Hugs

Tina

-- Edited by Tina on Friday 29th of May 2009 07:50:30 AM

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Tina,
Thank you so much for sharing. Your story is truly inspirational. I hope you continue to seek help from AA and be a power of example for your kids. You deserve it and so don't they.

MDC · Senior Member

Thanks.

I'm trying to go to different meeting, in a different town. Where I had been going, isn't good for me. I've been struggling trying to stay sober. The advise I had been hearing there was, I need to learn "when to say when," know how much you can handle and pace yourself. It's not uncommon to go to the meetings there and have a drink with your "sponser" afterwards. This isn't what I need and I know it. Being new to this, it's very easy to fall into that stuff.

The guy I had a a "sponser" isn't serious about being sober, or helping anyone. He is ther to meet women, that are having a rough time.. an "easy target." I can't believe I even listened to anything he had to say. I know everyone in the program isn't like that, but people like him hurt AA. I've quit going to meetings for the most part, why should I??I'll just meet my sponser at the bar afterwards.

I live about 60 miles from my work. I'm sure I can find a meeting in between the cities. I can't believe how stupid I've been. When you're new to something, reaching out, you need to be careful.

So, I guess that's why I've been here as much as I have. You all seem pretty serious. I'm not sure where I'll end up in life, I just want to be sober when I get there.

I'm not trying to bash the guy at my meetings. Maybe he can go have a drink or two. Not me, one drink turns into days. I should have being paying more attention to what was going an and where I was being led. I know that I'm responsible for my actions, not him. It just really left me not sure about him, myself and AA. I try to teach my kids to be careful who their friends are and who you look up to, I fell in the same trap.

-- Edited by MDC on Friday 29th of May 2009 08:40:01 AM

Tina · Senior Member

Hi mark

Well if the individual isn't serious about the program, may I suggest that you find someone more suitable and that you feel comfortable with. I took me almost a year to ask someone to be my sponser.

Also, stick with those who run a good program, unfortunately your right there are people in the program that aren't serious enough and that's why they go back out.
Some don't learn, but you can't only work on what you want.

I'm glad your not gonna bash the guy, that is showing that you have more values than that. I've ran into a few people like that during my time in the program.
I've always told people that I'm not here to when a popularity contest, I'm here to work me and my issues. Not theirs, and I haven't let anyone stop me from doing so, I've experienced a few moments that I thought I'd lose it.

But staying close to my higher power and picking up the phone weather it is my sponser or a fellow AA person always helps to get a better picture on where things went wrong.

I hope that you keep coming here, until ur more comfortable or you find what your looking for.

Hugs

Tina

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mark,
never in my 34 years of attending meetings, have I ever heard of a discussion in a meeting about "how to pace yourself drinking" or "knowing when to say when". Or going out with your sponsor after a meeting to have a drink.

Here's some links to Memphis AA intergroup, and meeting schedules. I highly recommend getting into town early for a 7am meeting, going to a noon meeting, or a 5:30pm meeting after work. Your going to find dedicated successfully recovering AAs in these meetings. In a town that big there will be hundreds of Good meetings to chose from. What's your hurry going home anyway and you can avoid traffic.

here's a schedule for Nashville meetings, lots of them

http://www.aanashville.org/cgi-bin/meetingdb/mtgsearch.cgi?interface=Basic&city=-All+Nashville&text=&button=Search

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 29th of May 2009 10:24:46 AM