I just returned from a 3 week trip to Europe where I did service work and worked with people from around the world. I stayed sober throughout it all and as of today I have 104 days of sobriety. Before I left my sponsor and I worked through steps 4-7 and I left for Europe with great momentum. Now that I'm back home all I've done is think about getting drunk. I met with my sponsor tonight before our meeting and I just felt this distance between me and the program/fellowship. I was all socially awkward all over again, even with guys I had been pals with for the last 6 months! The thought that I'm just a social defect and that I will never truly fit into the fellowship like the happy sober people I see in my meetings, leaves me feeling quite hopeless. Yeah i know, self-pity...
I have every reason NOT to drink but apparently that doesn't matter. I know not to expect everything to be solved just because I have done some step work, but I just don't understand why my momentum is gone, why after doing steps 4-7 I'm closer to a drink than the day after my last drunk?? Everyone in my life- family/friends know I'm sober so even if I wanted to drink again, it would all be thrown in my face. Just feel trapped and hopeless tonight, and I don't know why!!
Hey Dods, sounds like you're just decompressing from your trip. Give it a couple days and few meetings and you'll be back in the groove. It's natural for an alcoholic to want to drink. Don't let it get to you, it'll pass
Aloha Dods...stay in the moment. What you're going thru is normal and you can feell it all without acting on it. It sucks but it ain't real enough to drink to. I've had those days and then learning to expect that I would have them again didn't let them have more than an anxiety affect on me just like you're going thru. Anxiety isn't yet fear so keep your head above water and hang with those who can help keep you afloat while you just lay on your back and breath. I've got a bit more time than you have and had many more than just one "what the hell, what's the use" events. They all felt real but I came to understand that they weren't real enough to get me infront of another drink. I even remember one evening out with my wife to watch some local entertainment at a two drink minimum show. It took me almost an hour to get a Crystal Water because my mouth just could not imagine not saying Tanguray on the rocks with an olive and an onion. LOL my wife thought I put on a better show than the local comedy and song groups.
"This too will pass" is one of my favorite slogans give it some practice for a while and see if it works for you too.
Keep coming back of course and working the program.
Hey Dods, Every time you make it through one of those situations it makes you stronger. I am no one to talk, due to my recient failure, but I actually have a bank of experience that tells me I can and will "push through" my current "strange situation" and so will you if you hang tight and trust the program. It is great that you brought it up here and chatted about it! I wish I had done that!
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
just adding on what others have said here... I don't see your situation as going backwards - its all a learning and growing experience and your doing all the right things by talking about it, going to meetings and sharing... I'm sure it will pass. These are just thoughts - they don't last. And you will come out of it stronger with a useful experience. All the best.
There is a fear that having these thoughts is proof that I'm not going to get better. I keep comparing my sobriety with other people who have, through their own admission, had the desire to drink lifted by the time they were where I'm at in the steps. Everyone's path is a little different I suppose. Everyday I ask God to remove my defects of character, to relieve me of the bondage of self...Cant help think that something is wrong with me or that I've somehow not been working a good program. As you guys say, these thoughts happen so I will try and not worry about them so much today. Thanks for the ESH.
Dods, you said that several times during this trip you were around people that were drinking. That had to grind on you. It gets to me after awhile. read my thread about the family wedding I went to last year. As far as having the compulsion to drink removed, it happened for me right after about 6 months. And I was praying on my knees daily for it to be removed. "sometimes quickly sometimes slowly, but they will always materialize if we work for them..."
Dods, I have had many of those moments you are describing. Someone brought up the term "emotional hangover" in a meeting and I think that applies to what you are going through. All kinds of emotional highs from your trip and now you are back home going "this is my life? WTF?" I only have a couple of suggestions: You have 104 days now. That is so freaking awesome. Take time to give yourself some credit and really feel what an accomplishment that is. Pat yourself on the back. Also, I don't know if you have a beginners meeting available to you in your fellowship, but with 104 days, what you don't probably realize is that you are a walking miracle, especially to the person with 1 day. Take some time to think about how you are an example to others regarding your ability to not pick up. It would have been so easy to pick up on that trip, but you didn't. There is experience and strength in that. Be aware that other newcomers are looking at you for strength and when you get through this, you are showing them all how to do it. Stay strong. I found this is one of many ways to get out of self pity. Realize what an example you are to others and use that as yet another reason to not pick up. Personally, I've been afraid to travel and your experience and you sharing it makes me realize I don't have to be so scared. Hence, with every obstacle you conquer sober, you are showing someone else something valuable. Including me. Thank you for coming back and your honesty shows you are working a good program, even though you don't feel so good right now.
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The other thing dods, when I hit 90 days I realized there was no chip or marker of achievement again until 6 months. That was a bit of a let down and I had to do some work on the fact that my sobriety was no longer as much about counting days as committing to a sober way of life. I don't know if this contributes to what you are going through. It feels like a long haul to get from 3 months to 6 months but you will do it a day at a time.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Pinkchip- Yeah, maybe after a couple of more weeks or something, the let down of coming home will fade away. I never looked at my situation as being particularly inspiring for someone else I guess because in my local AA meetings I have basically been the only one using the revolving door for the last year lol...but that isn't the point I guess. I understand what you mean, thank you for that point of view!
Happy Sober Day, Adam :) As has been said, this too will pass & in the meantime all that you experience & stay sober through is your experience, strength & hope to share with others. Pick up your program & see what more stepwork you can do. You said you've reached 6 & 7.. Great, twas about here I downed tools & coasted for a bit before my pain got me ready & willing to do my Step 8 list of amends.
Maybe this is where you're at. I actually cried with gratitude with the willingness that came for & through Step 8. Give yourself a boost & move again towards working for this. Step 9 is so crucial to our program. It brings us back into partnership with other people which will help you in that isolation you've been feeling again. Of course, you will need help in checking out your thinking with making your amends but it will be worth it because for me it was the bridge to reaching Steps 10, 11 & 12 which are crucial for me to live a satisfying life daily now.
Also, it's not until after Step 9 that the promises are given to us in the Big Book. You'll only feel self-pity for as long as you're not making some progress. Take heart & don't worry. You're doing well but to get the best out of this thing we need to take action.. 'Faith without works is dead' Get a boogie on my friend, Danielle x
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell on Monday 25th of May 2009 09:02:10 PM
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I have gone through what you described above and I feel like I'm obligated to share with you what I did to get through it.
You had mentioned that you had done SOME step work, and had recently finished 4 through 7. Well my experience has been that each step gives me the power to go forward and complete the next one. There was a time when I slacked off when it came to making amends and I didn't stay sober through that. However, this time around I didn't hit the brakes whatsoever. I just kept it going and have stayed sober since.
Our literature tells us how dangerous it can be to rest on our laurels, and my personal history backs that up. I suggest that you get with your sponsor and get busy on making amends, you will more than likely experience a lot of relief, freedom, and wholeness by doing this.
Also, perhaps the most useful piece of information that my sponsor gave me early on was, when the mental obsession (constant thoughts of drinking/using) hits, there was only one thing I could do. I had to get on my knees and ask God to remove it from me. In a few minutes those thoughts were completely GONE. I am still eternally grateful for this.
Our 12 + 12 tells us in Step 1 that "Only an act of Providence could remove it from us" and "no man had ever defeated it in single handed combat." (or something to that effect.)
We had to have God's help!!
If someone were to tell me, if I was having those thoughts, to "Give it a couple days and few meetings" you might as well just walk me down to the liquor store. Meetings are NOT my medicine, they are a place to go and be of service for a newcomer! The only thing between me and a drink today is God. Not a meeting, not my sponsor, or any other human power.
I also need to say this. I am perfectly comfortable around people who are drinking. I have been in barrooms and night clubs in sobriety because I had a good reason to be there. The Big Book says that if we can't handle stuff like this, there is "something the matter with our spiritual status." This program promises us that we will be able to go where any free man or woman goes. If being around people who drink bugs you, you need to straighten out spiritually!
One last thing. You will hear plenty of stuff in meetings that cannot be reconciled with our literature. A lot of this stuff is pure nonsense and could quite possibly get you drunk. Be very careful who you listen to in the rooms and, from what I'm reading here, on the recovery message boards! This is life and death for a guy like me.
If what you hear (or read) doesn't line up with what the AA literature tells us, disregard it entirely.
Too me it seems like the akwardness is in your head. I am sure everyone at the meeting respects and cares about you. I know I always feel in a funk when I get back home from a long trip. Keep going to meetings and talking with your sponser and things will be ok.
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You have to live life to the fullest because you don't know what you got till it's gone.
Nothing you hear in a meeting will "get you drunk." Yes literature and steps are crucial, but meetings are not where you just help a newcomer. Especially when you are one. Meetings replace drunk behavior with sober behavior and it is where you see people actually putting the steps to use. If this program was all about God, book, and steps. I would be gone. That is way to dogmatic for me as I believe that the higher power works through people and largely in the rooms. Either way, AA is suited to appeal to people who learn in different ways that is why there is a big book to READ, steps to FOLLOW, meetings to GO TO, people and sponsors to LISTEN TO, and service to GIVE BACK. If anyone ever states that the positive things you learned in AA (however learned) or your efforts to help others are garbage, they are taking your inventory and haven't worked their own steps very well.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
