I'm back, and starting again

MDC · Senior Member

I'm back, and starting again

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hang in there Mark, it gets easier. The tendency is to want to hold on to what we have and fear change. Once we get moving we realize that change is not only good but also refreshing, interesting, and fun. One of the great things about sobriety, that at first seems like a burden, is learning to do everything over again Sober. There is this awareness, when I'm doing something as mundane as riding a bicycle (which I love) that involves me shutting off the memories of the past (including the voices in my head saying "why are we doing this boring sh*t for...") and predictions of the outcome, and force myself to Be in the moment, like I've never done it before. And I haven't done this moment before, and I can never do it again, which makes this moment uniquely special. And the end result is gratitude, happiness, and fun. It's the journey Mark, the journey.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

You've said it all for yourself there, Mark. You're on the right path. No danger 1footinfrontoftheother ;) Thanks for that, Dean. You reminded me of how it was early doors too & I loved how my life was like a movie I haven't seen yet. I was off the old roundabout & I really did have to learn how to do everything sober. What a trip! It was & still is, whole new territory although, instead, sense is starting to slowly flow in. I'm astounded & amazed that you can remember so much of your early recovery as if it was yesterday. What a Gift. I've still got a terrible memory but it is getting better. Keep on keeping on, Mark. Enjoy every bit of this journey because 1Day in the not too distant future you'll start to look back & be gobsmacked with how far you've come. Along with so much gratitude for all the simple & little things we get to be alive for. It is worth it. Don't worry. Your best is ahead. Chin up :) Danielle x

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Mark, there is a difference between mourning the end of your marriage and feeling sorry for yourself. I don't think anyone here could realistically expect you not to feel sad and depressed under these circumstances. Nor could anyone expect you to not to feel confused about your job either. It is okay for you to have these sad and confused feelings and it is to be expected. It will take some time to get over your pain and for sunlight to shine in and for you to feel like you are in an okay place. What the literature says is "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." What that means to me is...it all happened for a reason, just like God spared you death. You don't know how it will unfold, but it's okay to feel some serious hurt, pain, disappointment, confusion, and loss. You would, because you are HUMAN. What is good is that you are trying to change from the inside and trying to stop self-destructive patterns that will only hurt you in the present and the future. I don't think your head is up your ass at all. This may not be the first time you will hear this, but you are right were you are supposed to be. Don't feel ashamed of yourself. You have done nothing that a gazillion others haven't done and it doesn't make you a bad person. None of us are god or jesus or whatever...we all make mistakes. We just try to learn from them and the best way for you to learn is to do it sober. Share in meetings and let others in. That's part of surrender, having some faith, and letting go. You did much of this the first time, but were still trying to control the outcome of a lot of things and it kept you from fully surrendering to your disease. This is truly a fresh start and a chance to rebuild yourself from the bottom up. A radical change in your psyche is underway (this is discussed early on in the big book) and it is needed in order to stop drinking. I can see the beginnings of it in you. It's going to happen for you Mark. If you don't believe it, just believe that I do and so do others.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Mark...One of the best reminders I carry with me regarding the journey
of sobriety is "We come to understand." I carry that with me because it
reminds me that when I got here I knew nothing and didn't even know that
I knew nothing. I had to allow myself to be led to the new awarenesses and
the part I had to do is "Suit up" and "Show up"; get "into the meeting, all the
way in, sit down, shut up, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice". That's
all I had to do and it brought me to understanding and still does. The most
important hour of my life is the hour I spend in a meeting of Alcoholics
Anonymous. I also learned that there are only two kinds of meetings I need
to be at...the ones I want to and the ones I don't.

I haven't said in earnest, "I wish I had" or "If only I had" for a long time and
it's been a bit longer since I've had a drink.

Keep coming back cause this works IF you work it.

(((((hugs))))) smile

sabby · Veteran Member

Hey Mark,

there is a lot of great advice here and so glad you are back, giving it a proper go.

One thing I would add though is to just try and be kind to yourself and take it easy. I picked up again recently after 9 months (which was the longest time EVER without a drink) I beat myself up about it for a while and ended up getting myself in a right mess. But look at what you have achieved !? You did 2 months before! You did well and seems like you know what you need to do to get back on track... For me, I found it important to make sure I ate well, rested well and generally looked after myself, took it easy on myself and acknowledged what i had achieved rather than beating myself up about other things. And one day at a time... days are 24 hours long for a reason! :)

Hope you get to some meetings and get back on track... all the best.

S

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Mark, this is all about making tiny, but huge choices. Others who are recovering who are in our lives will show us the right path, but we have to listen to what they are telling us. FACE TO FACE. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. We cannot do this alone. God did not make it so that there is a program out there where people get themselves sober all on their own. It just can't work that way. A sense of loneliness is what got us here, and we can remedy some of that by reaching out and living sober with OTHERS who have gotten sober and know how to do it. We don't make good decisions by ourselves, our BEST thinking got us to the point where we are alcoholics and losing stuff left and right. Alone, I get drunk. Together, WE stay sober and live in relative peace and contentment.

I am so glad you checked in and are deciding on something different. My way didn't work, and we have to do this together, with folks in AA through the Big Book. I don't know why at the beginning some of us resist going to AA for help, would rather get electric shock therapy than ask someone else to help us. But alas, that is who we were, and that is something it IS within our power to change.

I am off to a meeting tonight. I have not been going to as many as I should lately, and shame on me. You have helped me, this weekend, to get up off my butt and do some footwork for my own recovery and sense of belonging. I am not promised tomorrow, but if I do what is sensible today for my recovery, I have a much better chance of showing up for tomorrow! Thank you!

Joni

MDC · Senior Member

This sense of lonliness is about the most pain I had, I don't want to go to meeting, I don't want to see anyone. I want to climb back in bed and stay there forever. I have to get out and go to the meetings and see people. It starts today, Im getting ready for church this morning...I don't want to go, but I need to.

I was looking back at my "myspace" account. one of my comments was "Suicide is not selfish. What is selfish is those surrounding expecting a person to endure pain beyond pain, for their own mediocre entertainment. " How could I have ever sank this low? I feel like the whole world is just waiting for me to screw up again, just so the can say I told you so. F*** them, my life is about me. All I can do is the best I can do.

-- Edited by MDC on Sunday 24th of May 2009 08:08:22 AM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Mark, you're thinking way too much about this. Your brain is Not your friend. This disease is a mental obsession (Read Mental illness) combined with a physical compulsion (That feeds off the mental illness).
Sitting alone and feeding your mental illness, is exactly what your disease wants you to do. It feeds you lies like you're uniquely screwed and your life is over, when in fact, many people with problems worse than (and in most cases the same as) are right down the street at a meeting dealing with through the power of the groups experience, strength, and hope. We all have crazy thoughts, especially in early sobriety and it's not unusual to have difficult circumstances to compound the situation. It's when we embelish those thoughts (the way that you're playing around with idea of suicide) that will bring us down, instead of telling ourselves to stfu and go to a meeting. This is why it's very important to go to meetings every day, but I keep hearing not today because..., and tomorrow. I was right where you are, and I dicked around for 2 years before doing a 90 in 90 (which turned into a 1000 in 1000

) and got sober. You've gotten a plethera of awesome advise here, just go back and reread all of your thread. Commit to 90 days and doing all the things that were suggested and I guaranty that your outlook and attitude will change. Read some of the posts by our newcomers and how positive there experience has been, once they gave themselves to this simple program. The main deal here is that we are much more alike than we are different, so if you want what we have all you need to do is Do what we did to get it.

Get busy brother.

Dean

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Learn from your mistakes..... and be GRATEFUL you're able to "start again".

(((hugs)))
Jen

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Mark,

I slipped after 5 1/2 years because of my fear of being alone. My ex didn't enjoy my sobriety and sabotaged it anyway she could. As soon as I started drinking again she came back to me and I went on a two year binge.

And during those two years, I went lower then I ever dreamed was possible. When sobriety came I had to face the fact that my ex wasn't "healthy" for me or my sobriety. It was that simple. Did I want sobriety and a chance at life, or stay with my ex and never face the fear of being alone?

I finally faced that fear and I loved every second of it. I got remarried and I love that gal very much but when she is away from me I cherish every second of my "Oneness" time. I totally came to understand and believe, that while I may be alone I'm never lonely.

Dean said it perfectly - it's a journey so enjoy it. I like an old belief of the Native Americans about it. You can stand perfectly still for 10 minutes next to a stream. You might think that nothing has changed, but the reality is that everything has changed. The birds in the trees have flown around, the clouds have constantly changed. Even the water itself has changed. While standing perfectly still for 10 minutes, hundreds if not thousands of gallons of water have flowed before you and everything in that water has changed. Every moment is an experience - enjoy it - because that part of the journey may never be repeated again.

By the Grace of God, I have had quite a few 24s before me and I still have people who want to see me fail. Just waiting so they can say, "I told you so." And I pray for them because it's more about how the disease has affected them, then it is about me...

MDC · Senior Member

Well, I've almost made it through the weekend. Went to a meeting tonight. Stayed for about half, we had storms come through and lost electricity. Even the weather is against me! Maybe 2 meetings tomorrow, nothing else planned. I'm feeling a little better. A well timed message and ALOT of prayers. Day 3 of the new and improved sober Mark.

Thanks for all your support.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hang in there Mark. I am going through a fall myself. I'll be looking for a meeting tomorrow as well.

TooTaaToo · Veteran Member

Mark,

I just went to my first meeting today and I just want to say that you encourage me. Your strength and willingness to fight gives me hope. You may think I haven't read a word you wrote here, but what I am seeing is some tough grit and determination! As I said, you give me hope for my future!

Thank you!
Richard

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey T3, how was your first meeting?