Witchy women talking about me at work, the boss getting on my butt and taking stuff out on me from out of nowhere. Really felt like telling them all to go to hell, and just driving away, leaving them hanging like fools, with mouths wide open.
But hey, I guess I didn't get sober to act like that. I can at least fantasize about it, right?
I think my feelings are hurt. And the number one thing I learned to do from childhood when that happened was to get angry at ME and take it out on ME by drinking in self-righteousness and justification. The urge to drink would go hand in hand with those attitudes.... correction, the OBSESSION to drink was paired up with those feelings infinitely.
Can't imagine, or couldn't imagine before, how THAT cycle would ever be broken, not as long as I was alive. But it has. And not by me, but by a loving Higher Power who does not condemn me for being angry and hurt. He is looking at my actions right now, of sharing my "stuff", and letting it go, and blessing me with another night sober, and another night employed, as a blessed result. Hiding stuff like this, or pretending it isn't so does not serve me any longer.
Wow. Just had to get that out. Don't want to hold onto this resentment. But it takes time and work. Can never stop working on this. But no "work" will ever be as hard as the way I worked toward my own distruction, getting the next drink, the next fix, the next "dummy" to pay for my habit. This is a vacation, life without alcohol, as everything else is so much easier without alcohol. Even getting through anger and hurt.
Thanks for listening.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Have heard it said that we in the Program, will need to work on our own sensitivity, all our lives. Think that might be true.
But Joni, for me it is no longer about getting my feelings hurt, that is going to happen as long as we have feelings, right.
But it is for me, what I do with those feelings. I try to fully embrace and feel the Pain of it, and then talk to God about it, and ask Him to take them from me. Seems to work. For so long running from the pain, with alcohol just never seemed to work, and fueled my own anger at myself, how screwed up does that sound, lol !!!
And considering the source. What kind of person would go out of their way to hurt another person, think about that.... and be happy you are not that petty person, a lot of Gratitude can be felt by the fact that Human Kindness and Compassion are truly gifts from God.
Hey Joni, I feel ya about how you are feeling. At times I have felt like people were coming down on me to hard and I have gotten angry and resentfull, but not angry with myself but angry because of the fear that I had about speaking up and saying that "Yes my feeling were hurt, or you pissed me off, or maybe is there something I did to make you upset with me. I have found out that speaking up and saying what is on my mind with grace instead of anger(like the old me), most of the time the other person really had no idea that they were that bad.
Idk, I just wanted to let you know how I have delt with things since I have been sober. Hope it helps a little.
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Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is!
Wow Joni! Are the constellations aligned in some wierd way this past few days? Things going on at my work place too. Things that I'm trying to stay out of. Yet both sides seem to attempt to drag me into. Yep, doing pretty much what you are doing....letting it go as best I can. It was really hard this past week. With only 8 people in the whole blessed business you can imagine what it is like. Morale to say the least is low. Keep trying though! Good for you for not going down that path and drinking! Wanda
Thanks for all your wonderful sharing of experience, strength & hope, Joni! You don't know how much of a stand up character you are & I bet someone or other couldn't resist a pop. Sounds like you're dealing though & holding onto your self-respect. We can't account for another's behaviour. We even lapse ourselves sometimes! & knowing none of us is perfect brings me great scope for compassion. Graceful action is always good at the right level & I think you've got a great handle on that also. I love your quote ~ This is a vacation, life without alcohol, as everything else is so much easier without alcohol.*
Thanks for being here & confiding. I love your trust so much :) Danielle xxx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hi Joni You handled things so beautifully and you should be proud! We are still human and will still get our feelings hurt but its how we react to them that make us the better person!!! You did great and are doing all the right things!!! Be proud my friend!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
My world is crumbling!!! ACK!!! Things were better mentally today, until 4:55pm, when my computer LOST a bunch of stuff that I cannot even imagine how to retrieve... this is stuff that is absolutely CRITICAL, and I am doomed unless I can get it resolved first thing in the morning!!!!
Thank you ALL for your extreme support and love... will keep posted
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
So how'd it turn out? How'd you and your HP and your program handle the implosion? I've also heard that S..t happens but that recovery you gotta work for. I am all ears and an open mind at this time.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 20th of May 2009 12:06:29 AM
Time to rely on that one higher power that none of us ever wants to turn to...Tech support. Seriously though Joni, I feel for you. I've had my hard drive crash at work and it literally meant 2 straight weeks of working like 80 hours to make up for it. IT SUCKS. I pray that you get it solved with as little panic and problems as possible. Furthermore, I think you and I know what it's like to be in the helping profession...for those not in the program, they get resentful very easily because good works without faith is taxing and leaves you all bitter and with a martyr complex. My work is full of people backstabbing, gossiping, and just being plain nasty when all of us are there supposedly to help troubled kids. I guess you and I and all of us here can just be glad we have a program to be able to go to and say "stop the madness" Anyhow, thinking of you and hoping your HP helps to either solve the problem or help you deal with it...however it works.
Love,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank you my friends! It is so nice to have love and support, no matter how trifling, or serious some problem is (or seems to be).
When I first started my job, we were told that gossip would NOT be tolerated; first time, warning. Second time, you could get fired, and people WERE fired for starting crap at the office!! We were set to have a Team Leader meeting yesterday, and I mentioned this stuff to the bosses wife (our HR person), not mentioning anyone or any specifics, simply that we needed to "revisit" the issue at the meeting. We are CRAZY busy, and we don't need to lose any more help over such crap. There are a lot of new people there too, and I told her that someone is going to get hurt by all this.
So it was mentioned at the meeting, and you could not tell at all where the complaint originated, or that there even WAS a complaint. We were all told that this is NOT to be happening, end of subject. That felt good. The office sure was quiet after that, and the atmosphere actually felt pretty good for once lately.
Then, the spazzing I was doing about my computer, turns out I had a pathway set incorrectly with which to transfer and retrieve information from one of our servers, and can you believe this.... all that was missing was a "t" in "http://blah blah blah....". A fricking lower-case "t"!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT shit had me up half the night, worrying, calling my boss at 6am the next morning, yada yada!! LOLOL You know though, that little "t" that was missing had me praying for God to let me start giving stuff to HIM again. So it was worthwhile to be missing that "t" for a time. I realize I have been trying to run the show in my own work, expecting that it is all on ME, when God ants me to give every bit of that to him, just like everything else. Good lesson. And LEARNED, thank you!!
Thanks all, for letting me panic, even when things were, in retrospect, a little trivial. In the grand scheme of things, I am grateful to be having interoffice and IT hiccups, because that all means that I am SOBER and WORKING now.
Thank you all so much, for understanding and loving and hugging from afar!!
Love, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Waheey, Joni! I love the way you can come here, vent, tell us your story so far & then come back with a conclusion & lesson learned lol You are Gr8 ;) lol I had a tiff with Carl tonight as I asked him if he'd pick me up after his meeting & drop me at work on his way home, to which he agreed. I had to be in at 9.15 & when he still hadn't arrived at this time I was proper pd off as I was going to be late for work & had turned down a lift from my colleague. When he arrived I told him off & said 'wouldn't you think I'd like to be in work on time?' He said he'd said 'he would come after the meeting' & the meeting had run over. I said 'well you shouldn't have said you'd pick me up if you couldn't make it on time' He said 'he wouldn't have agreed if it meant he'd miss the serenity prayer. So the whole thing was a misunderstanding lol
I'm still a bit upset at him to be honest for not reading my mind, living upto expectation & 'making me late for work'. Truth be told, I needed the extra time to back up my documents on the comp before I came out but 'hey, that's not the point!' I'm so spoiled emotionally sometimes. I have to say I also get embarrassed when I'm upset with others or that I've been imperfect in there too. It all gets to be confusing for me & the discomfort escalates, leading to insanity & then I have to Stop! Step 10 & look at my part. I've usually done something daft or silly in the first place so I get hurt pride about having made a mistake & looking foolish or imperfect so how can I call anyone else when I'm in the wrong 'also'.
Like you say, Joni, luxury problems. And Carl wasn't bothered by any of this. He apologised that I was upset & told me he loved me 'just the way I am'. I could go round on a whole loop that I'm still pissed off that he didn't turn up for me on time but he's sticking to his part that he never said that he would & that I accepted him picking me up strictly 'after the meeting' this being the unsaid proviso he was asssuming I was agreeing to. Yes, a misunderstanding lol Jeesh.. What am I like lol silly little ego ;) Not that I'm comparing any of this with your stuff, Jo. I thought I'd share it & have a natter about it as I don't usually post about everyday stuff. And these are the mice tis all about :)
Anyways, thanks for letting me ramble on. I'm glad you've enjoyed another day sober. You deserve it! Thanks for being here, Joni x Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
