I'm still new to all this, with less than 2 months sober. I have several lunches and dinners in the next few weeks, for work. There is always drinking involved. I have to attend. I don't want to drink, and don't think I can drink socially, it will turn to more. How do I handle this? I don't want everyone to know what I'm going through. They have all seen me drink before, so how do I not drink now?
I'm not ashamed to be sober, in fact, I'm proud of my progress. I just don't want everyone to know how far I sank. I know pride can be a bad thing, but I will have my bosses there and people that report to me also. At this point, I'd rather keep my private life out of the work place, but how?
I have lots of experience with this MDC, since I'm often at business lunches, dinners, receptions and conferences where alcohol is being consumed. Here's what I did in the first few months of recovery:
1. called my sponsor a few days before the event to let her know that I would be attending an event where alcohol would be served. She usually advised me to double up on my meetings in the days leading up to the event, and pray, pray, pray.
2. called my sponsor on the way to the event. We usually prayed together on the phone that my Higher Power would keep me sober.
3. during the event, I would tell the waiter or whoever was serving wine, etc., that I was not going to have any. they usually removed my wine glass from the table. I would ask for cranberry juice, or water, or diet Coke.
4. On the few occasions when colleagues either gave a quizzical look, made a comment that I was being a party poop, etc., I would just be silent, or tell them I wasn't drinking tonight. Sometimes I would get comments like, "you can be our designated driver," etc., made in jest, and just laughed it off. Most of the time, despite my fears, no one made any comment at all, or quickly dropped the subject.
5. If I began to get uncomfortable, I would excuse myself and go to the restroom or lobby and say a prayer and/or call my sponsor.
6. I typically would not stay to be amongst the last to leave the event. At an appropriate point, after dessert, etc. I would excuse myself from the event.
7. On the way home, I would call my sponsor. This call was pre-arranged so that during the event I knew that she would be expecting my call after I left the event.
Hope this helps. I can tell you that I still am in places where alcohol is served. And, I still pray on the way to the event that my Higher Power keeps me sober.
Another suggestion: read the last three pages of the Chapter "Working With Others" in the Big Book (beginning with the paragraph that starts "Assuming we are spiritually fit . . . "). This is a useful guide for the situations you are talking about.
Love, BGG
-- Edited by BGG on Monday 20th of April 2009 08:59:06 PM
You're making a way bigger deal about it then anyone will. We all worry about this part and then nothing happens. The fact is that most people don't drink or don't drink heavily. We just never noticed lol.
Get with Ice tea or water, soda. Lots of people just drink water or iced tea. I drink diet coke with a lime. nobody knows nobody cares. If anyone asks tell them your on a diet or taking a break and smile. The more casual your response is the less they'll ask about it. If you act uptight, they might, out of concern, ask if you're having a problem or if you're ok. That kind of stuff is normal, so just be light hearted and it won't be big deal. Enjoy yourself, it's always way better sober. You'll get laugh at the ones that aren't.
You would be surprised how many people don't drink. Most social drinkers don't give a flying donkey's butt what people are drinking.
Remember cravings only last a minute or two, it gets easier all the time as you develop coping skills, remember the consequences of taking a drink, it would be denial if you thought alcohol was a benign - it's a chemical that will send you into the pits of Hell on earth. Everything that tests our sobriety makes us stronger.
Aloha Mark....lots of good feedback and awareness to your post. I remembered the "what'll I do?" times. I also needed feedback to arrive at my own process that I was comfortable with. "No thank you, not right now" got some miles for me. If and when I was asked why I wasn't, which wasn't offen I'd respond that I found out I was allergic and smiled. Like yourself I have to remind myself that I have had more years invested in drinking at that point than not and I gave my self, along with my sponsor some slack about doing different. I didn't know different I know habit.
Just an antedote; I went with my wife to a show one evening that had a two drink minimum. Sat up close to the stage and the waitress came as asked if we were ready? My wife right up went with "Diet Pepsie" but when it came to me I could not respond. I know what I wanted to say; "Perrier with a twist" but couldn't get that out of my mouth. My mouth wanted to say "Tanguery on the rocks with an olive and an onion." She made the trip 3 times with the same result and in between my wife telling me, "you don't have to order right now." I took about half and hours practicing "Perrier with a twist" before I could actually verbalize it out loud and then the waitress said, "Oh we don't have that." I just let the whole thing go and said "get me something non-alcoholic" and she got me a "Crystal Water with a twist". Practice, Practice, Practice...and by the way I was about 21 years sober, alcohol free when this occured.
OMG! relax! You are letting too many people into your head....they don't belong, lol. Nobody gives a rat's ass whether you drink or not and you don't owe anybody an explanation. Not trying to be mean, I remember feeling exactly the same way once. Save yourself the unnecessary headache by dwelling on stuff like that, it isn't worth it. Instead, save your energy for having fun at events!! woot! woot!
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
