Every day is so different

MDC · Senior Member

Every day is so different

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Sounds like 'normal' early sobriety to me.

AA meetings will definately help. There is comfort for me just knowing I never have to be alone again.

The day will come when the 'highs' won't be so high and the "lows" won't be so low. Things WILL even out. Meetings, working the steps, a sponsor and continued abstinence makes it easier with each passing day. All your problems will not disappear and you will not always be a happy guy, life will NOT be perfect, BUT you will learn that when there is a problem, when things aren't good, a drink won't help.

I was told early on if I had time to drink I had time to go to meetings....Just replace one with the other.

Congrats on 36 days. That's how it's done, one day at the time

((hugs))

Jen

-- Edited by Doll on Sunday 5th of April 2009 04:09:19 PM

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Jen is right. When I think about the amount of time that I used to drink going to AA is a minimal replacement. I drank anywhere from 8-12 hours a day. Going to one meeting a day only takes up roughly two hours, which includes the before gathering and the after-meeting meeting.

You might be surprised when you're having a good time with the family and you say, "I need to go to a meeting." They might be really supportive of the idea.

New people that I sponsor I always tell them to hit 90 meetings in 90 days. Though very few succeed. But with that as their goal they do go to 3-5 meetings a week.

The main idea, in my opinion of the meetings for newcomers is the laying of a foundation of a strong support group.

My support group when I drank was the bar and people that partied. I had nothing in common with sober people. AA not only showed me that there were people like me, but it gave me friendships that made the bar less appealing.

The highs and lows will level out. The reason they are at extremes is because whenever we got to high (or to low) we drank. For the first time, we're dealing with life on life's terms.

Dave

-- Edited by Dave Harm on Sunday 5th of April 2009 04:34:27 PM

MDC · Senior Member

I know you both are right. It's just hard when you are facing the loss of your wife and kids, you are with them having a good time, and you have to leave to go to a meeting. I'm trying to balance saving my family and saving my life. You are also right I always had time to drink. I drive an hour to and from work. The drive home gave me time to drink. I'd have a six on the way home and the same after I got home...not very smart, I know.

I was lucky, never killed anyone. No DUI's.

I keep hearing that I have to take care of me first, and I understand my family doesn't need or derseve a drunk father/husband. And again I understand it may be too late to keep us together. I just hope my wife can see a real change in me and not be in a hurry to leave. We are still living together, which gives me some hope for holding this together.

I think I'll try to find a meeting about halfway between work and home. I always started drinking on the way home, out of boredom or habit. If I go before I get home , I can stay with the family when I do make it there. It's just too hard to leave them after I get there.

Thanks for the advise and support.
Mark

-- Edited by MDC on Sunday 5th of April 2009 04:57:20 PM

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Mark, the steps of the A.A. program are designed to lift the mental obsession with alcohol & though the notion may lurk for me occasionally that one day I may be able to drink like a non-alcoholic (it is an illness of denial ;) I know that this is simply not true as I know that when I take that first drink I can not & do not want to control it & I have seen many members come back to A. A. & share how this condition got worse, never better. That's why meetings help me too. To remind me so that I don't have to slip & experience the devastation of finding out for myself. The thought of ending up back on Day1 keeps me sober too & I'd much rather keep what I have than any cheap thrill I think I might find in a drink.

For the most part the mental obsession I have had with drink is now gone. It returns sometimes as a subtle fantasy but I am careful not to nurture these thoughts as they are a step back into insanity for me & I do not want to go there. Alcohol did enough damage to me & I do not want to give it the chance of doing me any more 1Day@aTime. Plus the fact, though I am relatively young I don't know how long I have in this life & since I've already spent half of it drunk I'd like to enjoy the rest of it sober with the gifts of recovery that come with it, like the love of my family, friends, fellowship & partner along with fruitful work & investing in my academic life as well as with hobbies & service commitments to boot. It is a good life sober.

Keep on putting your efforts in & you'll discover for yourself too. Your emotions will settle in time as you learn to live in sobriety but if you're an alcoholic of my type this will happen a lot sooner for you the quicker you get to meetings & start looking at choosing a sponsor & working the steps. It's only when I nurtured reservations around not wanting to stop drinking that I wanted to leave A.A. or miss meetings. Be careful where your head will take you because it will want to keep you away from getting help. It's part of the illness to want to continue doing that which has already caused so much harm for you. All this you will learn in the rooms of A.A. & within the pages of our main literature. In answer to your question I have not wanted or needed a drink for near on two years. This works when we work it :)

I'm rooting for you, Mark & hoping you get all the help you need but tis you who has to put the footwork in. I love the expression 'The work is hard but the wages are good' It's a fantastic way of looking at recovery for me & it injects a bit of humour into something that can be such a serious subject. Alcoholism kills alcoholics if it doesn't send us insane or take everything from us first. Of course, it's you who will diagnose for yourself if you fit that class. The other thing about attending meetings is that in all the honesty you'll hear in people's stories you will also hear a lot of courage, humour & love. Hope & inspiration. Good luck & keep coming back. Tell us how your first meetings go, won't you! Danielle x

Doll · MIP Old Timer

MDC wrote:

I'm trying to balance saving my family and saving my life

If you don't save your own life first, none of the rest will matter! Will it?

((hug))

MDC · Senior Member

Doll wrote:

MDC wrote:

I'm trying to balance saving my family and saving my life
If you don't save your own life first, none of the rest will matter! Will it?
\

((hug))

I know you are right. I just struggle with not being with them, when I am, I don't want to leave. I guess the plan is for me to go to a meeting after work tomorrow.

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Why wait? Get to one tonight

Not sure where in TN you are but I'm CERTAIN you can find a meeting tonight. My area has 5 and I'm in the middle of nowhere S.C.

You can always check the phone book and look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the white pages. Or google AA meetings + wherever you are, TN.

~ J

MDC · Senior Member

I didn't know they would have them on Sundays. Thanks.

I'm from S.C. Spartanburg!

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Mark...I was hoping that you would have reached the rooms already. My
hoping will not get you sober or keep your family hanging on. If you do nothing
nothing changes. I think you already understand the fear of whatever you are
projecting has your brakes locked. For sure if you don't go it's all over. If there
is an Al-Anon Family Group at the same location as the next meeting ask your
spouse to come along while you go talk to some folks about not drinking. She
can go visit with the other spouses and family members of alcoholics.

You have 36 days without a drink and 36 days without a meeting. You've drank
before inspite of the awareness that you needed to abstain. There is more and
many more sober men and women available help you save yourself and maybe
have your family stick around. MIP has a Main Page for the family and friends
and spouses of Alcoholics. You wife can find support there also.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop when you can be doing something about it
is the way we suggest. Pick up the fear again after the meeting but not the
bottle.

(((((hugs))))) smile

MDC · Senior Member

I know you all are right, and I don't know what I'm scared of. It seems easy to share things here, in my own home. I think part of the fear is being with people I don't know and sharing my problems. I also think that I don't want to admit this is an issue, although I know it is...if that makes any sense at all. When I go it's like "it's official now, Mark is a drunk." I called AA, the meetings here are at noon, ( I can't go, I'll be at work) and 8pm, I can make that one.

Now my biggest fear is that things seem so much better the last 2 days, I might forget how bad they were and go back. That's why I know I need to go. I know I have a problem. I know I'm scared to death.

I still don't understand how thigs can change so fast, but I can't let them change back to where I was...

I got an e-mail while I was typing this. It says "There is nothing to fear, but fear it self...and spiders." Good timing . I'll check back after the meeting and let you all know how it went.

You all have already helped me more than you know.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

hey Mark, I think it was great that you got to spend quality time with your family and had a good day with it.
That's certainly a good reason for not getting to the meeting that day. About your question. You're going to have ups and downs for a few months. But what you've already begun to notice is you're going to have some really good days. At first it might only be 1 out of 10. Then 1 or 2 a week, then 3 or 4 a week, and then you'll have a good week, month....and the "bad" days will be fewer and farther inbetween. In the mean time, you're missing out on a lot tools to help you cope with this stuff you'll learn in meetings and reading our literature. Have you done any reading of the Big book (that I posted a link to)?

MDC · Senior Member

YEs, I have it saved in my favorites. I've been reading it. I'm trying to read as much about this as I can. But I can't allow myself to neglect my family as I have over the past few years. I get online when the kids are out playing, or in the bath. Still trying to find a balance for this.

eastcoastscott · Senior Member

Hi Mark

Give yourself more credit, there is way more to you than you think. Early in sobriety is uneasy for all of us. We are on a journey of self discovery and we are healing, growing, learning and living....all at the same time. We have to just do the best we can, don't sweat the small stuff and just trust in a higher power to help us cope. It does get better and congrats on your sobiety so far!!

scott

Dodsworth · Senior Member

MDC- congratulations of 30+ days! I do not have a wife and kids, never have so I can't offer you any solidarity/experience there. It is only day 56 for me (miracle!) and all I can say regarding the ups and downs is, I sure as hell have them. About a week or two ago, I was thinking about turning my car into the other lane every time I drove, and this week I have known some definite peace and level-headedness...but of course that has its little peaks and valleys as well. When/If you get a sponsor, it will be a great asset. I began working the steps again last week and I think it has helped to keep my lows from getting to the breaking point because I am DOING recovery and not just hanging around it like I've done for so long. Keep doin what your doin: reading the wisdom of this board, going to meetings, and not drinking....Wish you the very best.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Yeah...extreme highs and lows. I truly thought I was bipolar (which some of us are and is okay). One day I was sure I found the answer to all my problems and the next day it seemed I was drowning in them. I now know that my brain and body were adjusting to sobriety, but also I was learning things inside the rooms and outside and I was excited about them, but it didn't take all the pain of change away. Now I know that when I thought I had the answers to all my problems one day and felt it was wrong the next...it wasn't really like that. I was picking up tools like people are saying on here. I was finding little answers all along the way and they were all right, but none of them was the answer to all my problems....nothing really is. One thing Mark that I hear in your posts that is going to drive you crazy (just from my own experience) is the pressure you are putting on yourself "I'm trying to balance a family" "I'm trying to hold my family together" "I'm trying to balance everything." The biggest relief and the largest part of the obsession to drink will likely come when you surrender that you really don't control any of these things...God or your higher power does. If you asked me if I would be thinking this way 6 months ago, I would have slapped you and told you to take me to the nearest agnostics gathering. It's not that I became all devout, BUT, I do have some serenity to know that shit just happens and the pressure I put on myself thinking that I create it all, balance it all, am responsible for it all is really what makes me most insane and drives me to drink. The struggles ease as you understand your sober thinking better. If it were me having the day you had with your family, I would thank god for the wonderful experience, not expect it the next day and just be glad for the gift of that time. I NEVER thought that way before. It would be "Thank god I got good family time, what I'm doing must be working. Maybe God doesn't hate me. Maybe I can save my family. Maybe they don't hate me as much as I thought. Tomorrow will probably suck though" I would set myself up for the fall and not even enjoy the good time to the fullest. Changing the mindset that I control everything has given me the most relief. "We surrendered that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable." Few people seem to get that this step means also admitting you are powerless over people, places, things, your boss, your worksite....All kinds of crap can be thrown your way and you only take the next right step and then let it go. It's really only when we put ourself in the driver's seat all the time that we screw everything up. That is step 1 and they say it's the only one that you need to get 100 percent right to stay sober.

MDC · Senior Member

Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. To try to keep every thing together. "if it is to be, it is up to me." I know that I am the one who put myself and my family in this situation. Again, I haven't been to a meeting yet, it's at 8pm tonight, and I don't know the answer for this, but I caused this. I was a willing participant, not a victim. I try to teach my kids, if you make a mess, you clean it up. That's not to say you can't get help to clean it up, but it is your responsibility.

With all the problems I'm having with my wife, I know I am the cause of most of it. How can I blame her for what she is feeling? I'm just hoping as she sees me getting better, things will improve. Not that I'm doing this for her, I need to do it with or without her. I just hope it's not too late.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Mark,
I can relate so much to your situation. When I decided that alcohol was effecting my life adversely, I decided to attend AA after a detox. The problem was I did it for my family and kids. Not me. Kept the thought someday I would drink normally again.
Well, after 3 years of research and development and not listen to suggestions and just attending meetings when I wanted to go (secondary to my kids and family activities)... lead me to several relapses, 2 more detox's, job in jepordy, hospital stay, jail, lose of all my values and respect from all family members. My wife also kicked me out of the house.
At this point I surrendered to alcohol and was willing to do whatever it took to save my life. I started attending meetings and listening. Got a sponsor I knew and respected. Worked the steps and brought prayer into my life. Surrounded myself with friends in the fellowship. Basically, sobriety became my priority and everything else was secondary. Even my kids.
After 6 months of working the program the promises mentioned in our big book started to materialize. The obsession to drink was lifted, the highs and lows stabilized, I felt hope, had serenity and peace in my life. My wife even asked me to move back in with her and the kids? Go figure.....
Today, I still attend meetings on a regular consistent basis. My wife and kids know which night my meetings are on and accept that. I still talk to my sponsor and work the steps. I offer myself as a sponsor to new comers. I surrender each day to my higher power and work to stay in the middle of the pack.
I reminded today of my sponsors words in early recovery..... anything I put before my sobriety I will loose and that if I don't drink I can't screw things up. He told me god has a plan and it may not be mine but things will happen just the way their supposed too. He also told me things will get better... I believe him today..
I'm grateful for my life today. I'm grateful for AA and my sponsor.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Awesome MikeB! Your post should be a post script to ch. 5 "How it works". Mark, what we're all trying to say, in our own way, is that much like you, we tried to do it our own way and a lot of us failed. From what you're telling us, as far as the current condition of your marriage is concerned, the trial and error method might not be the best course of action. It's counter-intuitive and that's why it hard for us "intellectuals" to "get it".

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 6th of April 2009 11:11:41 AM

MDC · Senior Member

StPeteDean wrote:

Awesome MikeB! Your post should be a post script to ch. 5 "How it works". Mark, what we're all trying to say, in our own way, is that much like you, we tried to do it our own way and a lot of us failed. From what you're telling us, as far as the current condition of your marriage is concerned, the trial and error method might not be the best course of action. It's counter-intuitive and that's why it hard for us "intellectuals" to "get it".

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 6th of April 2009 11:11:41 AM
But I don't know how to be any other way. I hope the meeting tonight will help, But I know it will take time. With the mood swings, I don't know how much time I have. Back to feeling so low. All this worry about everything isn't good for the situation. I'm ready for the meeting. I know it won't be an instant fix, but I have to start somewhere.

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

It DOES get easier, simpler. Sobriety becomes a way of life. Sooner than you think, if you get with AA and its fine people and do the footwork, drinking will no longer seem like that "friend" you HAVE to stay away from. You will LIKE being sober, and you will WANT it to continue more than anything else. Sooner than you think, you will "recoil" from the thought of drinking "as from a hot flame", as the Big Book called Alcoholics Anonymous promises.

A few things you should know about AA; it is NOT a counseling program, no one will pressure you to reveal your darkest secrets, you will work out your illness over time; it is NOT a religious program... it is based on the awesome power of one alcoholic who totally UNDERSTANDS, having the exclusive ability to help another alcoholic to stay sober, make better decisions, think straight and get REAL, and start living life in a very full and yet peaceful way. When we see you at the meetings, we AA's will welcome you HOME to a life of sobriety, where you have always belonged, where your spirit has hoped to someday be.

Hope this helped you a little.

Joni