I'm working the steps with my sponsor now, but my depression is very deep and, in my experience, preceded my use of alcohol and drugs. I try to avoid the people that want to say to me that I'm overly depressed (suicide thoughts) because I'm just not working the program with enough vigor. That really makes me angry because I know that isnt the case. I'm seeing professional help for my depression, which is another point of debate with some AAers I know, though thankfully my sponsor is one who supports me in that. Having said all that, I know that I could be more active in my recovery, who can't right? But, sometimes I just can't get mysef to be gung-ho about making a meeting everyday because honestly, I just don't want to be alive most days. I jump at the opportunity to meet with my sponsor and work the steps, I pray everyday and call my sponsor everyday...On the way to meetings, I fantasize about turning my car into the other lane, and those thoughts make the importance of a meeting seem pretty petty. The fellowship and the program is helping me to not drink and use drugs, I know that is true, so this is not a post about how it isn't working to keep me sober and clean...I don't realy know what im trying to say here...
If you're having suicidal thoughts, I hope you've shared this with your 'prof. help" and have been completely honest. Sometimes, we need meds to get us over that 'hump' - maybe you could use a little something more ......
Even the BB says if we need other / outside help, by all means get it!
Those pointing a finger at you are probably not the winners, either! I'd be a duck and let that just roll off my back.
Hang in there, man! And please, please, tell someone you're having these thoughts....I think for some, in the beginning, it's 'normal'..... I hope you've shared this with your sponsor, sounds like you've got a good one!
Just don't drink or use, be as open minded as you can and go to those meetings even if you dont' want to. Time takes time and things will turn around if you can be honest with yourself....
(((hugs))), love and peace!
Jen
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Dodsworth, you just have to ignore your head for awhile. It's going to spit out a lot of BS, and you just need to keep busy and distract yourself with positive stuff. Put the baseball bat away, and stop beating up on yourself. Sounds like you're doing a lot, with recovery and working etc.... Easy does it on the steps even. If you're not feeling good just try and get through the day and take care of priorities. I felt the same way in early sobriety. I had an enormous amount of guilt and shame about what I'd done and failed to do. I know now that I was sick and I wasn't able in many ways to cope, so I just survived daily. One person in a beginers meeting called it "Muddle trudging", or putting one foot in front of the other, and "doing the next right thing". Extract positive feelings from wherever you can daily. It takes time and you need to buy some time. It's get better, just hang in there.
Dean
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 29th of March 2009 06:59:51 AM
"...my depression is very deep and, in my experience, preceded my use of alcohol and drugs. I try to avoid the people that want to say to me that I'm overly depressed (suicide thoughts) because I'm just not working the program with enough vigor. That really makes me angry because I know that isnt the case. I'm seeing professional help for my depression, which is another point of debate with some AAers I know, though thankfully my sponsor is one who supports me in that. Having said all that, I know that I could be more active in my recovery"
I think you are doing the right things. Clinical depression is different than a passing down feeling. You are getting professional help and attending AA. You have a sponsor (who supports you in doing the right thing!!) and you are glad to do this all.
I think you are doing a lot. I like what Dean said. We have patterns in our thinking process that do need change. When you have self degrading, suicidal thoughts - distract with good thoughts. Discuss it with your doc. We can change and do change our habits, but it is requiring effort and support .
Methinks you will get through it. You are doing the right thing, in my opinion. I can relate totally and like Dean said, maybe just too much "thinking" going on. If you can cut out 50% of the dialog in your noggin, you'll be in a different world. I take a mild anti depressant (Wellbutrin) and I really have no idea if it is actually doing anything!!! I don't think it is hurting me in any way. I believe too, from experience, that when I did steps 4 and 5, so much changed in my attitude, outlook on life and contentment. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of me, rather liberating for sure.
scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Hey Dods, I relate more to what you are saying than you could know (even though I'm about to try and tell you). I have been diagnosed with depression for 11 years and on every antidepressant you could name almost. Anxiety is also a huge issue for me. When I made the decision to get sober, I left a 7 year relationship, moved out on my own, and felt like I had nothing. It launched me into about my 5th or 6th major depressive episode that I have had in my life. In one way, not drinking was easy, because I was too depressed to go get liqour and I knew it would make me feel worse. Putting down that bottle forced me to take a look at myself and I hated what I saw. My sponsor and other people were very worried about me because they told me that my withdrawal was "atypical." I was not angry, not snapping at people, not edgy, but more crying all the time and hopeless. I shared a lot in beginner's meetings. I was very resistant to going to see a therapist. I have been on meds for a decade and I kept thinking AA was going to lift the depression, but the issues I was having were deeper than AA and sponsorship could heal. I got so depressed one day that I just got a referral from my psychiatrist and started going to therapy about 3 months ago. I look at my depression as an enemy just like my alcoholism and honestly, the two are very wrapped up in each other. I have to fight it and be fearless and thorough because if I skip meetings or don't do the next right thing each day, it will just make me feel worse about myself. I suggest dragging yourself to meetings even when you don't feel like you have the energy to go. Therapy is helping me a lot, but it is still a work in progress. There was a slight change in meds, as the drugs were not working the same when I took alcohol out of the picture. I have continued going to work when I felt like crying all day. I did cry at my desk multiple times and am so grateful I have therapist coworkers that care about me to listen and understand. I sat through meetings battling panic attacks at times. What I know is that this funk of depression is now lifting after 6 months sober (roughly). No depressive episode lasts forever and have faith that what you are doing now is probably going to reduce you having more frequent and severe episodes in the future. Work through this and you will come out on the other side stronger than ever before. I believe that wholeheartedly. I know I won't be "cured" from my depression, but I have worked hard and the severe depression I went through in the first 3 or 4 months is now starting to get better. Just don't drink and pursue your recovery with all the strength you can muster. You are worth it.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Just a few tips that I got from my elders in AA that helped me when I felt so depressed I wanted to give up:
1.All you have to do each day right now is not drink and you can go to bed knowing you kicked today's ass.
2. Feelings are just feelings and they are not our complete reality. Let them pass through you and don't over focus on them if possible.
3. God wants you to recover and be happy and whole. Have faith and pray.
4. Take time to realize how far you have come and pat yourself on the back each day for the positive steps you are taking.
5. While depressed is not where you want to be, it is right where you are supposed to be and you are doing great.
6. You are not the only person who has the combo of addiction and mood disorder. In fact, the longer I stay in AA, the more common I see that it is. The phrase "not so unique" was counterintuitive to me at first, but it opened my eyes to the fact that others go through this too and do not drink. You can and will do it!
7. Lastly, for those of us with depression, the major trigger is CHANGE. The major focus of AA is also CHANGE. It is completely natural that you are going through this. You are making major changes in your life that are scary and difficult. It would trip off a depression in most of us who have that diagnosis and even many who don't. Try to stop asking "why am I depressed?" and "what am I doing wrong?" You are doing everything right and the depression is just a byproduct of your growth and change. Acceptance helps. Accept the feelings, but don't let them rule your thoughts and actions.
I hope this helps. I know that I don't know everything (Im just another drunk who has depression like so many of us), but I do know somethings having just been through much of what you are describing in your early sobriety. I just feel very concerned and identify with what you are going through a lot. Keep your chin up!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
pinkchip- "In one way, not drinking was easy, because I was too depressed to go get liqour and I knew it would make me feel worse."-- that is exactly where i am.
I too was one of the people who secretly felt that those suffering from depression just needed to do a better job of applying the principles.
Got sober at 24 and for 16 years was never depressed. Then I started getting some bouts of depression, they began lasting longer, still nothing I couldn't handle.
One year later I was in almost complete constant depression, looking forward to nothing, lost interest in everything, very hard to work a full day and concentrate on anything. Went to more meetings, got more active, more dilegent prayer and meditation, tried to help more drunks, went to the 1/2 way houses, treatment centers etc to try to get out of myself but nothing worked anymore.
Like you, I couldn't imagine having to live like this much longer. Finally got Psyc. help, got on the right meds 7 years ago and my depression has been gone.
I am very greatful and thank God for the good life I have today.
Too bad for Bill W. that the medical advances we have today where not available for him as he struggled horribly with depression also.
I hope this story can help you or others reading. Stay sober and keep seeking Professional help and trying all options.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I love what everyone had to share. My prayers go up to you and know that it really does get better. Keep doing what your doing!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hey Dods - I had to think about if and how I would share this.I have a friend, in the program, that I met when I was about a year sober.We had the same sponsor and we lost that sponsor about 6 months later.We didn't sponsor each other, but became what we call "meeting buddies" and together went on our hunt for a new sponsor.Almost like a mutt and jeff kind of thing.Where you saw one you saw the other.We had a lot of fun.
My friend and I are totally opposites in just about everything.But, I won't get into all that, I did want to share that my friend has been diagnosed, from way back, with several disorders and has, at times, had severe depression. For almost 8 years now, she has made it, one day at a time, without a drink.She totally gives credit to AA and her doctors. I think the most amazing thing about her is that once one of the terrible storms has passed she can laugh at herself.
I'm in awe of her.She will, probably, forever have to have her blood levels checked for what's working and what's not, because it's always changing.The simplest thing for me like taking an antibiotic can send her to mania or into depression in only a couple of hours after she takes it.I talk with her almost every day and she helps me stay in gratitude (most days), with her gratitude.
Thank you for sharing with us. Hope this helps in some way.
Rob, lani and Jane, and to everyone...thank you for the ESH. I'm off to see the therapist in an hour, but can't see the doctor (the one that will prescribe meds) for another 11 days, they have to "screen" me for a month or so before I can see him, which to tell the truth is kind of strange...i just want to say to the therapist-"Come on man, get on with it!" lol. I will try and focus today on the positive- the fact that I have no real desire to drink.
Rob, lani and Jane, and to everyone...thank you for the ESH. I'm off to see the therapist in an hour, but can't see the doctor (the one that will prescribe meds) for another 11 days, they have to "screen" me for a month or so before I can see him, which to tell the truth is kind of strange...i just want to say to the therapist-"Come on man, get on with it!" lol. I will try and focus today on the positive- the fact that I have no real desire to drink.
But that system does make good sense. You don't want to just go to doc get a pill and that is that. Treatment and care is more involved and responsible .
Dakota, yes you are right, i guess im just getting impatient...Every time I go see this guy, i have to hand him a printout that lists mental disorders, then at the end of every session he checks off the ones that he thinks I am based on our 1 hour session. After the session, he hands it back to me and then I give it to the receptionist to file away...i've been thinking it is kind of weird that I am able to see what he checks off...anyways, each time we meet he checks off 'Major Depressive'...well, not that any of that matters...THEY are the professionals, not me, right? Thanks again.
Hey Dods, I heard in early sobriety, not to get too worried about your present condition as it will improve greatly in time. Just do what your doing and don't sweat it, get through your first year sober and then evaluate. The fact that you are sober is amazing in itself, just hang on to that. By the way, do you have any animals? I lived a lot, vicariously through my cat lol. He's a big proud siamese. When I would be feeling like I lacked confidence for instance, I'd look over and "Mojo" would be standing there with that macho gaze and his chest sticking out, like Arnold Schwartzneger saying "what's wrong with you, are you a girlie man" lol. Definitely pulled me out of my gloom and doom hundreds of times. A when I'm interacting with him, I'm out of my head and living in the moment. Same thing with taking a walk early in the morning, in some woods preferably, before all the humans are out. Seeing the sun come up and all the birds and animals doing there thing, feeling breeze and the morning dew, smelling the smells.... that's starting the day off living in the moment. That's spirituality connecting to the stuff outside of your self in real time.
My cat helps too but she knows better than to call me a girlie man lol. That would trip off other issues I have...you know...since I actually am a girlie man in some ways.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
My cat helps too but she knows better than to call me a girlie man lol. That would trip off other issues I have...you know...since I actually am a girlie man in some ways.
lmao, I was actually thinking while I was typing that post "I hope pinkchip has a sense of humor, or doesn't see this"
with her gratitude.
