To see how erratic emotions victimized us often took a long time. We could perceive them quickly in others, but only slowly in ourselves. First of all, we had to admit that we had many of these defects, even though such disclosures were painful and humiliating. Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word "blame" from our speech and thought.
When I did my fourth step, following the Big Book guidelines, I noticed that my grudge list was filled with my prejudices and my blaming others for my not being able to succeed and live up to my potential. I also discovered I felt different because I was black. As I continued to work on the step, I learned that I always got drunk to rid myself of those feelings. It was only when I sobered up and worked on my inventory, that I could no longer blame anyone.
I think that when one can read this and fully understand this need to get rid of "blame" from their life, is when true recovery begins. When I talk with old timers I never hear a bitch session, I hear alot of responsibility in their conversations about their alcoholism. And for me I didn't understand a damn thing this program had to offer until I realized that I caused my own chaos.
The program worked for me when I took responsibility for my situation when I came back into the rooms. And became willing to change everything...
Good morning and hope everyone has a blessed day...
When I did my 1st fourth step, I was the ultimate victim. It was when I realized that I had "...Made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt." (pp 62) that I could let go of the blame and take some personal responsibility. Now I have the choice to walk away from the situation if I need to. When I do a fourth step now, I find that my list is more about things and situations that I need to change about myself, not other people. I have also found that I don't wait and let things build up, it's become so much easier to let go and let God take care of it. I'm still waiting for the acceptance that it's in God's time, not mine, but...this is a lifetime process.
This is interesting to me...because I don't disagree at all, that's that's what we need to do to kick things off and start getting responsible for our actions...
It's like I need to share something here, kind of a caution, I guess. But as Rick has reminded me before...everything happens for a reason, so maybe its all part of the process..
Anyway, I figure I'm not alone in coming from an abusive family. I sure there's others here that have known violence, child assaults and early abandonment...(I mean real abandonment, not just feelings...like folks/family actually left or were taken away)? Well, in existing as a victim as I did for such a long time, I had also developed some real weird ways of doing things...drunk I was aggressive and dished it all out, but sober I was very passive, co-dependent and always looking for the best in folks regardless of what I was denying had happened. That was the sick head I had to deal with to stay sober... the agro head kinda sorted itself pretty quickly once i put the grog down...but it was that hurt needy part of me, that could undo me.
When I first began assuming responsibility and trying to act responsibly I looked back into my past and began by assuming blame...and that worked out to be fairly dangerous for me and more importantly, my kids...and rather stupidly, I lined up for it several times and kept thinking it was my 'penance' and I would eventually find peace through these amends. That was my sick sober head in action. So, what I'm getting at here, is before we can sort out the blame, we really have to practice discernment. We need to make peace with the hurt we feel in order to properly put the blame in perspective. ...Because part of learning to be responsible is knowing what bridges to mend and which ones to knock down...and in my case I don't believe I every really found peace until I knocked a couple down and stepped free of the debris.
Gawd.. I hope I'm making sense.
I just felt compelled to share that... My daughter was injured when I stupidly accepted blame instead of realistically looking at a situation and accepting it was harmful and had always been harmful. So we have to walk a bit carefully with this one, I think. If folks have harmed YOU, then we are not wrong to own our part and be responsible for our contribution, but they also need to show us the same respect we are offering them, if we want to experience mutual relationships. That is difficult to discern, but neccessary I think.
