This day has been stressful/crazy to say the least. I attempted to drive my car, which has failing breaks, to the auto shop. Bad idea. The car died and brakes locked up a couple of blocks from my apartment. Called a tow truck and my mother picked me up from the dealership later on and took me to her house for a little while since i had no wheels. While I was there, she was preheating the oven for something, and poof: oven fire (cheese). Later, I attempted to go to a meeting but noone was there. This time I KNEW it was the right day, but still noone showed up.
So, I went home and who knocks on my door an hour ago? My alcoholic/addict brother whom I haven't spoken to since we got into a fight a couple of weeks ago. Of course, he was drunk. He told me he was selling cocaine now because Burger King turned him down the other day. He reached into his mouth and pulled out a bag of coke (at least 3-4 grams) and offered to give me some. I don't know why he offered, and don't know how he got here since he has no car either. I declined even though cocaine has been one of my drugs of choice, outside alcohol. We talked for a moment, then he just left, with no sort of apology from either of us about the fight we had a couple weeks ago; so that is still unresolved. After he left, I just sat down on the edge of my bed and whatever peace I had left from the day was gone. Yeah, I turned down the drugs but I didn't feel good about it, dont know why. All these thoughts kept barreling through my head: sympathy for my brother, anger, uncertainty of my sobriety, etc. I had two choices; either get drunk or call someone. I called an alcoholic and we talked about it for awhile. He too has an older brother, still drinking and using, and that helped. By the time I got off the phone, I had recaptured a little peace and strength, but all this just hit me really hard and has proven to me once again how fragile I am, at least at this point. I need other alcoholics, I need you people, or else I'm just screwed. I just am. Anyways, I am feeling damn grateful right now, really grateful. Hope this helps someone else.
I helped me. Dods, you're building your sober identity (character). It take time, like building a good house. Once it's finished you will feel secure there and it will bring you peace and serenity no matter what a day may bring. On days like this I do exactly what you did, try and get to a meeting, call someone, do whatever I need to do that day and then hit the bed and sleep for tomorrow.
Thank you for sharing this with us. This kind of day is the reason I try to stay as spiritually fit as possible. Sponsor tells me everyday to take out some insurance.
"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." B.B. pg.85
"I had two choices; either get drunk or call someone."
Sounds like you handled everything with grace. While I am still working on step 2 and figuring out my higher power, it might be possible that God helped steer you through that mess without drinking or using. You are doing great dods! Keep it up!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Sounds to me like someone is progressing very well in his recovery program, good on ya!! You must have, at each crossroad you came to during the day, stepped back and looked within for guidance. It sure paid off, you passed all the "tests" and to me, that spells progress. Thanks for that incredibly important share!!!
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Your post helped me too. I am nearing 90 days and have been feeling really uncertain with sobriety and really angry and self-pitying about it. It helps to know others have felt/are feeling the same, and your post was a good reminder to talk it out with you all.
