Hi, I'm Lucas. I have been in recovery for...about 2 years, now. In that time I have picked up five 24-Hour chips, four 1-Month chips, three 2-Month chips, and one 10-Month chip...and now I have to pick up another 24-Hour chip if I want to keep doing the deal. Which I do. Part of me just wants to vent, part of me really needs some reassurance, but mostly I just feel rotten. I feel like I've betrayed friends in AA by letting them down - people who trust me and care about me, who need me as much as I need them. My "fellow travelers" as one AA old timer put it to me once. I started drinking Saturday night and didn't stop until sometime around 2:00am this morning. It happened so fast, I barely thought twice when my handsome, flirtatious neighbor offered me a drink, and I knew accepting that drink would get me laid. I know that prior to that, I had been in an emotional rough spot and I suspect that may have cleared the ground for me to let my guard down, and the disease to take control. I'll have to think more about what lead to my sudden willingness to drink. I want to be Happy, Joyous and Free, and the last couple months have just been TRUDGING. I want the 12 Promises to come true. And I worked at it! I worked the steps! Was working the steps! Sure, there are things I could have done better, but I was not a slouch. I don't know, I guess...I'm going back to a meeting tonight and pick up my sixth 24-Hour chip. This just made me question everything I have been working so hard to achieve. I try to comfort myself with "progress, not perfection!" And I can look and say, hey I was sober for 10 months, and I know that is a miracle! But you know everyone looks down on a slipper. Or maybe that is just my disease telling me that. I'm rambling. But in closing I want to say I'm really glad I found this forum, I think it is great! And I am looking forward to getting more involved in it!
First Welcome lucaskywalker!! We're so glad you're here!!!
I can't speak for others, but I do not look down on anyone who relapses, it could be me. I'm also glad you were able to make it back and make it back several times, you have. A lot of us die with no second chance.
To make it, I have to be as honest, open and as willing as the dying can be. I can't remember exactly how that line goes... Anyway, working the Steps and trying to do as my sponsor ask can be difficult sometimes, but every single thing has been so worth it. I am Happy, Free and every now and again joyous.
I could be wrong, but I believe "Progress not Perfection" has to the principles. But, I wouldn't even worry about that right now.
Let us know how you're meeting went. And here's your 24 for here.
I feel ya buddy...I was in and out for almost a decade before I managed to string together longer than 3 months. It was like banging my head against a brick wall. Thankfully banging my head against things was something I was used to, both literally and figuratively, so I just kept coming back until something clicked.
I used to think that everyone looked down on me too when I slipped but I realize now that being overly obsessed with what others thought was/is part of my condition. I'm a self-centered sonofabitch :)
Sounds like my story. It was two years right on the week, that I spent going in and out. I should've had my own revolving door. Never could get 3 months, got 2 twice and a lot of white chips. I think that I got to feeling too good too quickly and either celebrated or forgot that I had a problem. Then my problems starting pilling up on me and I got serious and decided to do ALL the things that had been suggested to me over the last two years. You know, get the sponsor, home group, 90/90, go to step meetings and work the steps, get rid of the old friends, make friends in the fellowship.... Get busy my friend
Welcome back. Glad you made it, many don't......I did the same thing for about 2 yrs. Then I began to wonder what would happen if I COULDN"T or DIDN'T make it back....Been sober for 18 months straight since I had that realization! One day at a time.
(((hugs)))
Jen
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Welcome to MIP, Lucas. Relapse is non compulsary & you can grip your sobriety saddle as soon as you like & really give it your all. You will achieve your sobriety with the determination to keep on coming back no matter what. I 'stopped drinking myself for a whole two months' & thought I had it licked. I then took a drink to my surprise & wondered where the sneaky thoughts had come from for this to happen. This happened another 3 times over the space of two months & I realised that everything everyone was telling me about my disease in the rooms was true & I subsided my arrogance, surrendered & made every effort to listen to what was being said. Pride also helped as I didn't want the pain & humiliation of constant relapses! This can help you along with your desire not to drink. All my reasons & desire was like a Higher Power to me too.
I had to suspend a lot of my former beliefs & this was hard but I knew that 'the same wo/man' will drink again so I allowed myself to change & try on this new, sober identity even though there were parts of it I really didn't like. I didn't like how weak I suddenly felt but then realising my powerlessness has come as such a relief over the two & a half years I've been in recovery. It feels like forever but such a short time in physical months. I didn't want my past to become my future & inside I was dying so I let go of that old destructiveness. I did feel relatively young in recovery but the way I looked at that was to think that I had already drunk alcoholically for half my lifetime & I don't know how long I have left & I wanted to try so hard for a better life so I kept up the hardwork. Picking up the phone is a major tool in staying sober. I can't do this alone & I'm glad I don't have to. We're here to help you too.
Your journey is your journey. Do whatever it takes & keep coming back. MIP has helped me too but importantly as a Supplement to my regular meetings, talking with other alcoholics & service. The Joys of Recovery will come to you & the Promises will come true. 'Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, they will always materialise if we work for them' To this I like to add ~ 'The work's hard but the wages are good' This ditty always makes me chuckle. Get sharing in your meetings & telling another alcoholic what's going on for you. I love this release & it really brings me so much closer to those I share my journey with too. Godbless & Goodluck, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. It's good to know that I'm not the only one, and not a pariah. I went ahead to a meeting tonight, picked up the chip, and got a couple numbers. I also got a sponsor, someone who I've turned to in the past that has helped me in AA, with a lot of sobriety. I've been told to read Dr. Bob's story before bed, and pray for willingness.
I am grateful to be back alive, and in one piece. Extremely grateful, because I've seen and heard the things that happen to us when we go back out. I consider myself fortunate to have the support network - old and new - to help me out of a tailspin.
I'm going to take it one day at a time. I'm so tired, but I'm going to go read what my sponsor told me too. And I'll touch base back here tomorrow :)
Sounds completely normal to me! I relapsed too...after 12 years. There is always a reason for it and it's up to us to find it as it usually means we have to "tweak" our program. The main thing is....NEVER beat yourself up for relapsing, you are not perfect and you can always start again. If you feel like you are letting others down, disappointing them etc. , that can be part of the "poor me" state that is also dangerous for us. What works for me is to put the event behind me....permanently, get back on my horse and go again. When you went back to the group did they show any disappointment in you? Exactly. Saddle up dude!
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Hi Lucas I too am glad you made it back and you are not alone in your struggles...I dont know where or how it finally clicked for me but it certainly did...I couldnt believe it myself!!!!! So keep trudging the road to happy destiny! It is out there if you are willing!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
