I need help/advice. I am approaching my six months and so happy and grateful for my life and my sobriety. I went to a treatment center for three months and since leaving there I have been doing everything I am told to do by peers in meetings, the Big book, sponsor, the treatment facility..etc. I am working my program and loving how I am growing each day.
Unfortunately the women that I became close with in treatment are not going to meetings and many have relapsed. My closest peer from there relapsed one month ago and has not gone to a meeting since although she claims she has not had anything to drink since then. I see some major addictive behaviors from her and it is as though she is in active relapse but without the alcohol. I am praying for my Higher Power to guide me and also for peace as to how to deal with her. But now she is getting mean and I feel like I need to let her go.
I guess it scares me. I am looking everywhere for advice about this situation because I know how early I am in my recovery and the more help and guidance the better! Anyone deal with something similar or have any thoughts?
she is getting mean and I feel like I need to let her go.
I guess it scares me. "
I don't know too much about the routine with AA being quite new and all but I don't think getting abused would be part of your healing regimen. Surely somebody will pop in with real advice but my gut says to let someone else take her on if she is being abusive towards you.
The percentage of those that are successful in recovery coming out of a treatment center are just slightly higher than the 5% average of alcoholics that don't. That means that 1 in 20 will make it to a year or 5 years depending on who's survey that you believe. With that said, if there were 30 of you, 1.5 of you will make it. There is no sense in feeling badly about those who are not ready. Now more than ever, does the saying "stick with the winners" apply. You don't have to let her go, just invite her to meet you at your home group. . But otherwise, I wouldn't hang out with her if she's not in recovery. It's not like she's family or some High school friend.
After I posted that I thought a little more about the situation and realized a few things. When I was drinking & using I was paranoid and very critical of friends. I pushed alot of people away by assuming the worst about them and basically thinking everyone was out to get me. I lost friendships with special people with this attitude. This situation with my friend is different and I think I have been misplacing shame from pushing people away in the past with this situation. In reality they are very different.
It is life or death and my sobriety needs to be number one. Going to a meeting with her right now feels like the only right way I can spend time with her. I am young in my sobriety and I need to just take it one day at a time and find myself daily having to remember that I don't know everything! Somehow this helps me alot.
I can handle this friendship in an honest manner and at the same time put my sobriety first. That is what I have to do and I can do it! Amazing to reflect on the changes in myself even after such a short time. Not saying this will be easy to do with her but when put in perspective it is important.
Those are my thoughts. Thanks again for the responses. I hope to visit this board again soon!
Delia, First off Welcome. Second off, amazing post in that, once again, someone else has stated the same feelings and experiences that I am currently going through. I posted on this very topic a few days ago when the person I considered my closest "AA friend" relapsed. You could look back and find it titled "Is this common?" Either way, I'm having a similar experience and had to let some people go which totally sucks. I am told it's a selfish program though, even though most of us come into AA being really selfish and there are so many themes you hear about helping others to keep your own sobriety. I guess my thought on the matter now is that it is sometimes best to help others by drawing boundaries and letting them go through their issues on their own. I came to the same conclusion asking for suggestions...this person has my support at meetings and occasionally on the phone, but I am stepping back majorly so as not to be dragged down with him. I was told that if I make efforts to keep him sober at this point, he will drag me out twice as fast as I will get him back in. A "sobering" thought.
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ha! Your post was well timed as well. I was praying and thinking last night and realized that a word I was looking for was boundaries! Thanks for sharing your experience with your friend. It gave me strength. (and hope... ;)
I will be speaking with my friend today and am asking for guidance from my higher power in this matter!
Wow, awesome posts guys. That topic hits us all (all 3.5 million of us in AA). I had such a hard time at the beginning with the folks I "graduated" with out of rehab. We'd bonded and cared for each other. It was hard to see some relapse, only normal for us to feel badly about it. I was basically told to mind my own business and not to take anybody else's inventory....sounded so cold to me but I understand now how wise that advice was...we seem to be able to take hostages in many ways. Anyways, good work Delia, hope to see a lot of you in here.
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
. But otherwise, I wouldn't hang out with her if she's not in recovery. It's not like she's family or some High school friend.